"i LOVE black marriage!"

ok, from the title of my post alone, you'll probably figure out that i'm black, or my husband is black, or both of us...if you don't already know.

that's a great thing (to be black and all), and i indeed am black and proud, and nappy and happy and all of that...but i have to admit, i found it a bit odd when many of the congratulations on my marriage were pre or pro ceeded with "i love black marriage!"

ok. well, in this day and age, i personally love ANY genuine, God-led, love lined and committed marriage, black, white or other (these days, even if someone doesn't believe in God but has the other qualities in their marriage i'm happy)...but some people at least only really love marriage when it's between two black people it seems.

when i was engaged to my ex, i never got complaints on our pending marriage, but no one was saying how they couldn't wait for us to tie the knot...and certainly no one ever mentioned the color of our skin as being a huge reason why they loved the idea of us getting married.

my ex isn't black though--he's puerto rican and german. mixed.

technically, my husband isn't black either. he's puerto rican and black. mixed. now, many people don't know that about my husband, so it's no wonder they just assume him to be 100% "black with really good hair."

and they let that be known all day and evening at our wedding reception. and it was funny in a "haha" kind of way, but not in a "guffaw!" kind of way. and after about three hours or so of hearing it, it ceased being funny at all and i found myself wanting to ask, "what does being black have to do with us being married? can't you be happy for us without always reminding us that we're an allegedly 100% black couple (with no 100% black children thank you very much--all of our children are mixed)?"

ok. i know i'm in stone age times with that mentality according to some. i mean, i suppose i understand the sentiment because black marriage is a dying breed in this country and blah blah blah, but i still wanted to ask people anyway, just for the heck of it. but really, i don't believe BLACK marriage is a dying breed, i believe MARRIAGE is a dying breed, and GODLY marriage is on the endangered species list. skin color be damned.

had he (or i) not been black, would many of our guests have still "LOVED" us getting married?

i'm pretty sure a good portion would've, but it still makes me question the other whatever percentage of guests who were there...methinks they wouldn't have been so happy had my husband been any other race except black, and i wonder what would they say if they were to find out that he's not as black as they think he is?

which led me and my wandering mind to other questions...why is "black" marriage such a dying breed these days? are marriages between other same race non-blacks thriving and surviving? why is it such a huge celebration when black people get married to other black people, but not so much so when interracial couples get married? i mean, don't hate on the non-black partner for grabbing up some black love right?

heck, my philosophy is get in where you fit in, regardless of race. if your mate treats you the way you should be treated, never no mind skin color, culture, or height/weight. in this world, finding a good person to marry is a goldmine in and of itself. don't ruin the chance by getting all superpicky (especially if you ain't got that much to offer yourself)...

i'd honestly rather marry outside of my race and have all the great things a good, healthy marriage has to offer versus marrying within my race and being miserable just for the cause of doing my part to "save black marriage". i'm not accusing black marriages of being miserable or upholding interracial/non-black marriages as being the "saviors" of the marriage realm. but what i am saying is, for a minute there, it seemed to me as if some people expect black people to marry black people at all costs, even if it's going to be an obvious failure down the line.

it never dawned on me a single time before, during or after my marriage ceremony that i did something good for the black community by marrying at least halfway within my race (until i was mercilessly reminded of it at our reception). it dawned on me that i did something good for my relationship with God, my family and myself by marrying a good man for the right reasons before, during and after my marriage ceremony. that was all i thought about the whole time, God, my husband, my children, myself, and our families becoming one...race played no role in my special day.

and i can't really say that i would have had it any other way.

well i did it!

i'ze married now...it's official! lol. i didn't want to say anything before it actually happened (i believe in jinxing yourself)...but now that the "i do's" are all "i done's", it's cool to let the cat out of the bag. so i am officially a proverb's wife. it feels pretty good...i have to admit, better than i ever imagined it would (and i have to admit, i really loved my hair on my wedding day)! so now i can *restart* my blog off on another foot...and just move on with life! yessiree.

how do you say something you really need to say?

ok...i've been thinking about this for months now...and actually wasn't sure how to say it. it's funny though because well, this is my blog and i can say what i want to say how i want to say it and i technically don't have to worry about what anyone else says about what i say.

however, it's not that easy. i'm still anxious about saying *technically typing* out what i have to say. but i'm going to go on and type it anyway.

i am no longer with my husband. i am a single mother again. there. i said it.

but that's not all.

i AM with my ex-fiance, who is asking to now be my husband.

that's not all either.

i am totally taking my time with my boyfriend, *who just so happens to be the father of my 10 and 8 year olds*, before being married again.

to make a super long story short, i realized that i no longer WANT to be the wife of a man in prison. not that i couldn't do it, but i began to feel as if my ex husband was turning into a different man and really trying to manipulate and force me into decisions that i didn't want to agree with, especially when they make me go against what i know to be true as a child of God. while he is a great man, i decided that we were not a great team anymore and he was becoming a true stress on my spirit. funny, but everyone around me supported me 100% when i thought they would bash my lifestyle and decisions.

i have been the wife of a man in prison for 5 years. and i don't regret not being that woman anymore. i realize that i not only need more out of my marriage, but that i have the right to live my life fully for me. unfortunately, my ex husband is NOT out of prison and may not come out until 2011. when he does make it out here, i will do my best to help him, but i am 100% certain that i do not want to maintain a romantic relationship with him, and i will not become his wife again. it is over for us.

i love my ex-husband, but i am no longer IN love with him. prison DOES have something to do with it, but really his attitude and expectations have totally turned me away. permanently--they aren't something that i care to ever forget *although i have forgiven him*.

i love my boyfriend, but our breakup was very nasty and many years later, i still have trust issues. however, something deep down in my heart is telling me that he is marriage material.

i am still a woman of God though, and although i've done plenty that i had to pray over, i know God is still by my side, and instead of condemning me for my decisions, is working His booty off to get me out of any drama that i may be in.

and that is all *for now*. i am still a Proverbs woman, and because i very well may be a wife again soon enough, i will leave my blog as it is *especially since someone else may take the name if i let it go hehe*.

that explains my hiatus AND i finally *said/typed* what i needed to say. and while many people may not read this blog often, some people do, and i just wanted to keep it as real as i can without telling my social security number *snicker*. to all of my fellow prison wives who read this blog, you know who you are. i love you dearly and i will always be here for you no matter what...although i'm not tied to the prison system anymore.

and now...i feel better! my anxiety has been reduced considerably, and the world is still turning after my major announcement. wow, that was easier than i thought it'd be!

my idol marriages.

throughout my adult life, i've collected stories of the marriages of the couples around me, and picked what i deemed to be the three healthiest of them all. then i made a sort of "marriage collage" of these couples, and i listened to their stories and experiences and studied what i heard to come up with my own solutions for a successful marriage.

i've come to term these marriages in my life "my idol marriages". they aren't perfect marriages by far, and the people in them aren't perfect, but they are what i call perfectly imperfect.

they are really the epitomes of what i want my own marriage to be like.

the three couples that make up my list are:

donald and judith. these two composed an irish american couple who were married for over fifty years. they got married when don was i believe 22, 23ish and judy 18. judy was a coworker at my last job. i loved the stories she told me about their marriage. and whenever don called...you could hear the love behind the teases he had for us about judy. they have four children and judy really loved him so much. last year at this time, don died of brain cancer...he was in his 70's. judy hasn't been the same without him, but she still smiles when she speaks about him.

christina and michael. these two are african american couple who've been married i believe 28 years? they have two grown sons and what stuck out to me the most about the beauty of their marriage was the sense of togetherness between them. christina always told me how she and mike love to party together, and how she never gets into the bed without him. for me, that's a big one, because i don't understand marriages where the husband isn't home when it's bedtime, yet he's not at work. for me--that doesn't fly. but you can see the love these two have for each other, and they have a beautiful home. she told me about some problems they had, but that their solution always was to just take it one day at a time. to not jump to conclusions, and if they didn't know what to do, they didn't do anything at all until they did know what to do. they are still young and in love too...and that's what i love.

mance and martha. these two were my very beloved grandparents. my grandmother outlived my grandfather by over 25 years; he died from lung cancer in the 70's. my grandmother would show us family pictures, and there was grandfather, always hugging her close to his hip. they had 6 children and my mother is the youngest. my mother always recalls her father being very loving but strict with them, meaning when they did something wrong it didn't go unpunished. and she said grandma was even worse than grandpa, but that was because the times were so hard for them that there was very little room for mistakes and errors of any sort, because they could be costly. i know it sounds cheesy, but i can still see the love in their eyes in the pictures they took. my grandfather was very broody but he loved his wife. and she loved her husband. they were married for about fifty years--and they got married when my grandmother was 13, and she had their first son at 14--and he was a whopping 12 pound baby!

well today, i had to add a fourth couple to "my idol marriages", because i am so in love with how they love each other that i want to be the biggest copycat ever.

mr. and mrs. president have my heart in total rapture for them. they are absolute poetry in motion and they make me want to cry sometime. i can see the whole meaning of marriage in those two--everything. from the spiritual to the physical is there with them. i can see God in their marriage, i can see healthy physical, mental and emotional love. their children lack for nothing in the way of parents. they are all blessed, and i am blessed just to even be able to watch them!

so i put together my favorite pictures of them all. i wish i could really have a book of all my favorite marriage, but mentally will have to go...because i can't really get in touch with judy anymore, my grandparents are dead and pictures of them are scarce. christina probably would give up a picture of her family--i will ask.

but here are my favorite pictures of my fourth idol marriage. i love them so much, i wish them all the peace and blessings in the world, and i am keeping my eye on them!