something's gotta give.

my brain is 100% fried. i mean...totally.

ive been experiencing a series of spiritual attacks lately, stemming from i believe a debate with a few atheists i had about a month ago on a website that, ironically, has nothing to do with religion (or lack thereof).

for me, having an attack is a mixture of events. sometimes i get bad migraines, misplace things, find myself easily agitated at everything the children do, have bad dreams, forget important events or details...

this time around, its all of that and then some. today i forgot the passwords to EVERY website i visit on the internet. its taken me more than a few hours to either remember them or reset the passwords because i just forgot totally. i also have a huge migraine and my brain is just on overload. ive been having these odd dreams and im having trouble remembering names, ideas, and even words i want to use when conveying ideas. at random times ive experienced utter and complete sadness at certain events or happenings in society. i will also admit, ive been struck with bouts of what i call faith doubt. wondering if what i believe is accurate, true, or sensible.

for me, this is nothing unexperienced before. as a naturally emotional, intuitive person, i rarely allow myself to "experience" society because i tend to internalize everything. because i dont like to bring attacks of the spirit on myself, i try to limit my interactions with certain personalities as well as social media outlets.

these attacks when i engage heavily in theological debate, as i said before. and it's what i've been doing alot lately.

but something new is happening this time. out of every spiritual attack, i have a huge amount of spiritual growth it seems. ideas and thoughts just come bursting forth, and i obtain more courage to speak exactly whats on my mind. ive never experienced this before.

im also "feeling something in the air". i cant put it any other way, but around the internet and in my personal life, im hearing other Christians speaking of the same thing--so it cant just be me going through this. i feel like something is going on, and honestly, in a way ive never experienced before, i am looking forward to the return of Christ. it is almost shocking to even myself because i never thought id be excited for the events of the world to unfold as they are. i used to laugh at those in Christ who expressed excitement at the future, thinking they were a little less than sane. now i find myself in the boat with them!

add to this all that my mind is overrun with the desire to learn new things and start ideas ive been harboring for a long time, and i honestly feel a bit like im going crazy. ive been reading books like a mad person, trying to soak up all of the earthly knowledge that i can. im thinking of new ideas and its really like a part of my brain has been opened up, and im really out of sorts with the whole thing.

something's gotta give.

my senses are on overload.

am i the only one??? or are there other people going through the same thing i am going through???

"but you don't believe in God!"

today i was perusing my facebook friend's status messages, and came across someone who is on my list that was lamenting that someone "supposedly close" to her remarked that she "didn't believe in God" during a conversation, and how that really made her feel worse than she's already feeling.



well, my first thought was, "well you don't believe in God as far as i know." but because the topic was sensitive and people were swarming around her post like bees, bobbing their heads in agreement with her lamentations and telling her that "God loves us all and you too, and you'll be fine" and the usual hodgepodge of politically correct garbage, i simply didn't say anything...but moved on to another status update.



now, i may be a bitch here because i've been just mean these past few days, but for the life of me, i can't see why she was so hurt over someone telling her that truth when in fact, as i said before...she indeed does not believe in God.



a little background to make this story clearer. the woman in question lost her mom about a month ago pretty unexpectedly, and she's been struggling with her mother's death. so now, i suppose to help her sort out her feelings, she suddenly believes in God wholeheartedly, or is needing God to believe in because she feels like she has lost a good portion of her life with the death of her mother, or something along those lines.



but i still can't understand why she was so upset at the comment that she received. i mean, especially since this is the same woman who has mocked the worship of Christians, the philosophy of true Christians, and our goals in this life. i distinctly remember 2 discussions i had with her in which she used secular logic to compare worshipping God and believing in Jesus to "worshipping an apple or whatever your heart desires" and another where she mocked those who forgave others for trangressions, and the words of Jesus on forgiveness concerning forgiveness, saying it's basically a copout from facing our weaknesses, and that any person who truly forgave is a weak minded being.



now that her mother is passed and moved on, she is suddenly trying to read the Bible and "get clarity and peace" concerning her loss. typically human, and typically secular. mean? i'm not so sure. true? definitely.



this reminds me of the addage, "no one needs God until He's all that they have left."



for some odd reason, i cannot wrap my head around her anguish at that comment the friend told her, that she doesn't believe in God. i must be missing a point here? why was it such a low blow to say that? sounds like the truth to me. i mean, should Christians not speak the truth in every situation? she didn't say that the other woman was rude or condenscending when she said it, so i can't assume that she was. i don't know what her tone/intent was with the words, or even the whole situation surrounding and leading up to and beyond those words that were spoken. but given what i do know, i am absolutely stumped.



now this is the daughter of my mother's best friend who died. she and i are the same age and as far as i know, played in the same playpen as little girls...but because we are so fundamentally different as adults, i don't converse with her much. she is no stranger to me however, my older sisters and mom consider her and her family to be our family. granted, i am not that close to them as a family unit, but i do have a knowledge there that goes a bit beyond facebook statuses. and usually her words would just roll off my back, but this is something that for some reason has stuck itself into my brain and i can't shake it loose, as i just can't understand it.



i am going through the responses she's given and received since that inital comment, looking for a straw to grasp to understand this situation better, but so far i am honestly confused. this woman is really emitting a believable pained response to what she was told it seems. and the more i read, the more i am prompted to break up the pity party by asking, "well DO you believe in God?" but then that would seem to cause a bigger problem.



now i am in no way, shape or form downplaying the pain she must be going through because of her mother's death...i can't fathom it and i cannot relate to it as i have not lost my own mother. so i don't want to give that impression. but i just don't understand that how a basically self proclaimed atheist can feel pain at being reminded that they don't believe in God when they are in a painful/helpless situation? i would think they wouldn't even turn to God, since to them, He doesn't exist? it makes me wonder, were they discussing how God can help her get through the pain, and the convo went wrong?



this also makes me wonder, in however long from now, when her healing over her mother's death has begun, will she once again mock those of us who truly do believe in God?

maybe baby?

well, since this is the year of surprises (ended one relationship, got into another one, got married, etc. etc.)...i guess it won't be the wrong time to let another cat out of the bag...

i'm pregnant!

and not only that...but i'm like beyond pregnant. so far along i'm almost due. next month to be exact (stay tuned for an interesting story and pictures on how i'm preparing for her arrival).

no, this wasn't a case of "i didn't know i was pregnant..." i truly did know i was pregnant. from the very first weeks actually. i just decided not to tell anyone for various reasons, but mainly to keep my own stress level down to a minimum as much as humanly possible.

now onto the really fun part...

it's another girl! so far we have a name picked for her, kinda. actually we do, and while some people are still getting used to it (including my husband), i love it because it means, "the Lord has heard me"...and answered me.

i have to admit, He's also straightened out alot of the mess i've been in the last 12 months. and i'm happy about that because i want to bring home our newest addition with as much peace and joy as i have inside of me. i finally feel like i'm where i not only should be, but where i want to be after a long time of being confused and unsure of myself.

and that is a huge relief, because i am really getting excited over the fact that in a few short weeks, i'll be mom to not three, but four beautiful little girls. :0)

changes...and the cowboys!

i've been thinking on my blog for a while now...and while i definitely am staying in the blogosphere, i am simply not sure how i want to move forward. there are some postings here that i feel are unneccessary to keep around, but there are way more that i believe i should have around. i have decided to get married, and i am happy to say that i am also on my way to being mommy to a brand new baby, while also fostering shelter kittens *again*. so while my life is slowly resuming it's normal way, my blog is not. i'm thinking it's fine to simply turn around and revamp things, erase posts and redo my blog information without losing what i intended this blog to be. after all, why can't blogs change and evolve? i've already gone through two name changes here. for me, i don't think that's a problem...and i do think it's a good idea to simply change my blog around...

while i sit here and contemplate this blog's direction (and make the changes i see neccessary, if any) you can think about america's football team...the cowboys! while i was sorely disappointed in our loss last night *are you serious?!?!??!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!*, i understand that crap happens *hey, who knows that more than i do?!*.

i'm back!

nothing has made me miss my blogger more than my lack of home internet service (which was due partly to trying to save money and partly due to a worsening economy)...but i'm back online thanks to comcast! AMEN! i was so happy i had to take a picture :ox ! not sure how long it'll last but i'm appreciating every day of this bad boy...there's so much to share with my little space, alot happening at once and nothing happening at all...and i'm so happy i can start a normal blog again...woohoo!

church issues.

so, i've decided to leave my church. this decision came after much prayer and meditation, and an experience that only the Holy Spirit Himself could have taken me through.

i am a non-denominational Christian, and i like that just fine. however, because there are almost no non-denominational churches in my community *and NO orthodox Christian churches*, i have to take my pick from what i have to choose from...the typical conglomerate of church choices: baptist, catholic, COGIC, episcopalian, methodist, pentecostal, reformation, etc. so of the choices i had, i decided to attend an AME church, or african methodist episcopal church. one of the deciding factors in my choice was the fact that the church is literally around the corner and one day while going past i saw a few of it's members chatting outside and they seemed really friendly. after about 3 months of visiting i decided to join the church because well...God hadn't told me NOT to join the church.

i don't think.

now i'll admit, i don't always have the best ears when it comes down to listening to The Father. if i did, i wouldn't be in half of the crap i'm in, and always praying and thanking Him crazily when He throws one down *while rolling His eyes at me no doubt* for me to catch and hold on to. so it wouldn't be a surprise to me if God had said, "don't join that church!" and i totally brushed His Voice off as a figment of my imagination.

so let's just say that either way it goes, i didn't get the message NOT to join the church. but two sunday's ago i was preparing to go to Sunday Service and as i walked towards the front door to go to the car, something told me to leave the children home. so i told them they weren't going *to which they actually were bummed about*. after taking off their clothing and settling them down *my bf was there to watch them because we all go to church together*, i decided to head back out the door. as i neared the door, a sudden depression came over me. like a huge wave, it just washed down my entire body, and i heard my heart tell me "don't go to church today!". me, ignoring the feeling *which i now believe was God*, went towards the car anyway. i got in, and i was feeling so sad and down, out of nowhere, that i started to cry. i pulled out of the parking spot and as i neared the church, my chest felt compressed, and i had to catch my breath! i was having an anxiety attack over going to church. i tried to look for a parking spot next to the church, but my body wouldn't even let me park the car...i just couldn't bring myself to stop and look for a space to park! after about a minute of this i was so flustered and upset i drove straight to my mom's house, in tears, shaking and praying. she calmed me down and suggested we visit another church, to which i readily agreed. immediately my spirit calmed down, my anxiety went away and i felt better.

now, i'm trying to pinpoint where things went wrong in my church life, but it's very hard to find out when, where, and most importantly, what happened.

all was going well for a year, until i decided to be the director of the children's ministry, or the ypd department. now taking on this leadership role seemed easy enough, i'm pretty good with children and my teaching skills, while not the best, aren't the worst.

let's just say that i was NOT a happy camper within 3 months of taking on the role as ypd director.

being in this position requires the director to meet with "sister" churches for "connectional" purposes. the idea is that these historically black churches will keep their power and stay in alignment with the will of God by keeping in touch with each other and supporting each other. so in essence the ame is a network of sister churches that is run in an hierarchal manner by higher ups, preachers, elders, and at the highest rank is the bishops and council of bishops or whatever.

the ame church, in my opinion, has developed over the years into nothing more than a scam, with a group of testa-liars as it's head. it is only a matter of time before the breakdown of this particualar church system becomes universal in my honest to goodness opinion.

now i know every church has a bit of satan in it, and many churches have a lot o' satan in them. but the ame church is a hotbed for what i call subtle satanic activity (you know how satan isn't always in your face with it, sometimes that lil nukka likes to be so subtle that you have to wonder is it even him)...mainly because it's system is set up more like a secular system than any other church system i have ever run into.

the ame's are a very "social" people--there is a social scale of importance, and if you aren't at the top of the food chain, what's your name again??

the ame's are very ehh..."adamant" about "their" way. they tend to try and "brainwash" the younger generations by "teaching" them that the ame is "the way to go". now i wouldn't have a problem with this, except that i am not into teaching my children that any particualar denomination is better than another for the simple fact that i am a non-denominational Christian and i believe that denominations as a whole add to the breakdown that we see in the church community and much of our walk with God.

the ame's are a very...financially "savvy" people. aka they take from the smaller churches to take care of the larger churches. so your church can be direlectic and absolutely falling apart, but if you want to be a part of the larger connectional ame community--well then you'd better get out a checkbook. and guess what? the bishop drives a 100,000.00 car and will charge you 2,000.00 to "grace" your church with his presence.

the ame's are also a very...flashy people. never before have i ever seen so many electronic Bibles, fur coats and high heels on 80 year olds at a service, and i'd be flabbergasted *if i expected any better of them* at the fact that very few ame's actually carry bonafide book-form Bibles to services and events.

now don't get me wrong...there are quite a few God fearing and loving Christians within the ame community, the pastor of my ame is definitely a man of God, and he is really asking me to at least attend the Sunday Services because he doesn't want me to be without the Word of God. i am thinking he is right, and i do want to attend, but i really don't want anything to do with the ame church as a whole. but it's a shame how black people in today's society have taken a very honest and well meaning idea for the black church and turned it into the devil's stomping ground with a bunch of riff raff and foolishness, money focusing and social ladder climbing.

so, with all of that being said, i am left back at square one of finding a church. for now i am going to continue at my church as a "guest", mainly because the pastor has personally asked me to return as well as the congregation it seems. but i don't believe it's a permanent choice, mainly because of my experience two Sundays ago and after constant prayer, i do believe God has told me i'm released from that particular place.

on another note: it is very hard for most of us Christians who don't have a church home to find one in these times, it seems. i am not the only Christian i know looking for a church home--there are at least 3 other Christians i talk to on a daily basis that have the same problem that i'm having. what is a Christian to do without a church home?!

how do you say something you really need to say?

ok...i've been thinking about this for months now...and actually wasn't sure how to say it. it's funny though because well, this is my blog and i can say what i want to say how i want to say it and i technically don't have to worry about what anyone else says about what i say.

however, it's not that easy. i'm still anxious about saying *technically typing* out what i have to say. but i'm going to go on and type it anyway.

i am no longer with my husband. i am a single mother again. there. i said it.

but that's not all.

i AM with my ex-fiance, who is asking to now be my husband.

that's not all either.

i am totally taking my time with my boyfriend, *who just so happens to be the father of my 10 and 8 year olds*, before being married again.

to make a super long story short, i realized that i no longer WANT to be the wife of a man in prison. not that i couldn't do it, but i began to feel as if my ex husband was turning into a different man and really trying to manipulate and force me into decisions that i didn't want to agree with, especially when they make me go against what i know to be true as a child of God. while he is a great man, i decided that we were not a great team anymore and he was becoming a true stress on my spirit. funny, but everyone around me supported me 100% when i thought they would bash my lifestyle and decisions.

i have been the wife of a man in prison for 5 years. and i don't regret not being that woman anymore. i realize that i not only need more out of my marriage, but that i have the right to live my life fully for me. unfortunately, my ex husband is NOT out of prison and may not come out until 2011. when he does make it out here, i will do my best to help him, but i am 100% certain that i do not want to maintain a romantic relationship with him, and i will not become his wife again. it is over for us.

i love my ex-husband, but i am no longer IN love with him. prison DOES have something to do with it, but really his attitude and expectations have totally turned me away. permanently--they aren't something that i care to ever forget *although i have forgiven him*.

i love my boyfriend, but our breakup was very nasty and many years later, i still have trust issues. however, something deep down in my heart is telling me that he is marriage material.

i am still a woman of God though, and although i've done plenty that i had to pray over, i know God is still by my side, and instead of condemning me for my decisions, is working His booty off to get me out of any drama that i may be in.

and that is all *for now*. i am still a Proverbs woman, and because i very well may be a wife again soon enough, i will leave my blog as it is *especially since someone else may take the name if i let it go hehe*.

that explains my hiatus AND i finally *said/typed* what i needed to say. and while many people may not read this blog often, some people do, and i just wanted to keep it as real as i can without telling my social security number *snicker*. to all of my fellow prison wives who read this blog, you know who you are. i love you dearly and i will always be here for you no matter what...although i'm not tied to the prison system anymore.

and now...i feel better! my anxiety has been reduced considerably, and the world is still turning after my major announcement. wow, that was easier than i thought it'd be!

just when things started going good.

just when ya think things are starting to go good, as a matter of fact, when they are going good, satan has a way to just come on in and try to spoil the fun.

my van has been sitting for about three months waiting to be fixed. what i thought was a brake problem was actually just brake pads needing to be replaced *ok so i won't win mechanic of the year anytime soon*, and the problem wound up costing me only 200.00 to fix *he did some other needed work on the rotors and the nuts, etc.*. well because i had been in a crunch CRUNCH CRUNCH! i actually asked the kid's aunt to fix the van for me, and in return, because she's an otherwise great driver *other than the little mishap pictured above*, she could borrow my van on the weekends. big mistake.

so we decide on the deal and make it, she will perform the maintenance on my vehicle and pay half of the insurance premium, and on weekends the van is hers. my van is a very low maintenance vehicle despite it's age, so she happily agreed.

two days after fixing the van *when the weekend rolls in*, she uses the van to go out friday night. saturday morning, my van is brought back to me smoking and cranking loudly, smashed in the front. she had what she calls a fender bender, she had what i call a car accident. now i don't have full coverage to get insurance to fix these damages.

now, she got into a bit of legal trouble in the city that she had the accident in, and actually got arrested. her friend *bless his soul* was sweet enough to hold onto my van until the morning, and then bring it back. besides being ugly as all get out, my radiator is ruined, so all of that needs to be fixed before it's drivable.

what makes this so bad is that my baby started 3 year old school, and has an aversion to the school bus so i cancelled it, knowing i got my van back. she already isn't adjusting well to school at all and has told me repeatedly that she does not like school. so in an attempt to help her adjust, i cancelled the school bus pick up and was bringing her to school myself *which actually is not helping like i thought it would, it's not helping at all*. i know her teachers are treating her well, she just does NOT like school. i am contemplating removing her from school and giving this another go when she turns 4.

i wouldn't have any problem waiting around for my van to be fixed, however my baby has no way to school right now. i'll take her out of school totally before i put her back on that bus, she does NOT like this school bus and putting her back on it is not an option. not only that, but i miss my van and it sure is a heck of a lot easier getting around with my own transportation versus depending on everyone else.

to make matters worse, their cousin offered to help fix the van on her mom's behalf, considering that the mother went into the agreement with me partially to help her daughter get items for her household, but since bringing me back my van, she's avoided me like the plague. she said that she'd definitely help pay for the damages *which actually come to less than 700.00* for her mom, because she was utilizing the van too. since she's not actually helping me out any right now, i am not sure what to think of this situation. it's bad all around, and it's crazy because things were just getting better for the girls and i at home. and now this.

i learned a few lessons from this situation. first and most obvious, never let anyone else borrow my van. second, never make an agreement for things and depend on other people to keep their part of the agreement. and third, never borrow anything from anyone that i can't afford to replace should it get damaged while under my care.

i am actually contemplating taking her to court over this if she's not able to fork over at least 300.00. to actually get the entire part of my car that was damaged fixed is easily 2,000.00. but i was going to just get the hood and radiator replaced at 500.00 and allow her to replace the rest as she came across the money. however, when my daughter's aunt gets out of jail i'm not sure what her funds will look like. since she actually paid the 200.00 for the brakes for me, i thought i'd keep that money and instead of paying her back use it towards the van, thus leaving me only 300.00 short of the rest of the money needed to get my van back on the road. not only that, but my insurance premium is due and that's 200.00. so technically if i take 300.00 of money in my very tight budget to fix my car, i can't drive it anyway because it will be 200.00 of the insurance money that i'm using to fix the car, hence i won't have insurance coverage. so right now i'm stuck either way.

and today i got reprimanded for getting my daughter to school an hour late, since i am now depending on my sister to get us there. and quite frankly, she gets us there when she gets us there and not a minute sooner. and today it was an hour later. not acceptable.

so i am feeling the crunch *once again* from every area. i don't know if i want to keep my daughter in this school. it's beautiful and i know they are treating her nicely, but she is not a happy camper. the stress of having my van out of commission due to a car accident that wasn't my own fault actually stressed me out to the point where i got a cold, and that's not good or worth it. we are back to walking and the weather isn't getting any warmer. and all of this after God came through for me and paid my rent and all my bills even though i have 0.00 in income currently. i am not losing faith in God, but i suppose i'm losing faith in this current situation. i definitely see the benefits of the situation--my car could have been towed or damaged WAY worse than it was, i learned my lessons from the situation and the girls' aunt was NOT seriously injured. so i definitely am not complaining that this is SOOOOO bad. it's just that it put a damper in my plans, my mood and my spirit. i'm a bit frazzled out from this and it's happening JUST when things started going good.

which is the very worst part of all.

finding my divine purpose.

i had a conversation with hubby last night in which i asked him to pray for me to find my divine purpose on this earth. lately i have been hearing the word preached and taught and spoken about on this subject. and for about a year now, i have been asking God to reveal to me what my divine purpose is--what is it that He wishes me to do to advance His Kingdom.

while i believe i am there, i am now feeling pretty stumped about how to go about it. i know that it is in the realm of women, health, self-improvement...that area...but i am not sure exactly what it is i should be doing, it doesn't seem to be gelling together.

or maybe it is and i'm blind to it? i've started my own business, and it's on spiritual hold, and i believe it's a part of my divine gift...and i am starting a women's group as well. it all feels so right but it looks so wrong.

so i asked my hubby to please pray for me, that i hear His voice concerning this matter and that i make no mistake about it.

it seems that it's so easy for some people to find their purpose and they just "do" it. in the Bible there are the stories of Tabitha and Rahab, and Ruth and Hannah and all of the other women who just seemed to "do it". i know it wasn't that easy for them, but it just seems that way. i don't want to compare or complain so i won't...

for now, i said maybe i could gift away my great abigail sea salt sachets to those who could really use a break. i have enough for about 10 bags or so, they don't have to be fancied up, but just bagged in a brown paper bag and handed out to those who need them *and who doesn't?! lol*. they are the perfect end to a crazy day, and i love the way they smell. by far they are my favorite sachets and i love Abigail's story *which can be found in 1 Samuel 25*.

maybe this isn't the right approach, but i feel like i'm not giving enough, my divine purpose is being sorted out, and it's making me crazy! i never thought i'd say that, "i feel like i'm not giving enough", but most certainly, it is how i feel. :(

maybe i'll feel better about this once my volunteer opportunity starts up, which should be within the next 2 weeks or so.

i hope i get my purpose down pat soon. *sigh*

elephant skin, here i come.

elephant skin here i come! and don't think that i want to come...i just can't help it.

early last year i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism after struggling with a serious bout of depression, a continuously achy body and lethargy *is that a real word?*. i went to the doctor, and thank goodness i'm learning to say what's on my mind *i used to be even worse than i am now at this* because i plopped in the chair and told her flat out, "i think i need xanax. i am depressed and i'm going crazy!" she just looked at me, slid her glasses up higher on her nose and said, "let's see if the problem is physical before we send you off to the cuckoo house ok?" *people it was a joke, she's a great doctor really*. i had been going through so much, but as i slowly got my life together and put my priorities in order, my depression seemed to wane.

i have to note that i never got the xanax script and now i use a healthy dose of Jesus and lots of self-care to combat any depressive thoughts.

anyway, back to the point.

as my doctor was feeling along my throat she noticed lumps and that's how she came to wonder if my thyroid was playing a part. so she gave me a referral for a specialist and i eagerly went, because by this time i was suffering from a calamity of ailments.

the doctor sees me and looks at my face and asks, "is your face always that dry?" and i say "YES!" loudly and clearly because my facial skin indeed has been a progressive problem in the past two years and was one of many situations that prompted me to start my own business. he says, "definitely a sign of hypothyroidism."

so i come to find out that i am indeed hypothyroid, and my skin is a reflection of this. now i have to admit when i found out i didn't flip out or falter, but i told God, "thank You for helping me see the problem clearly, because now We can work on making my life better because of it." i am happy that i took that stance because it's worked, seriously. i sort of embrace my condition because it puts a reason to many problems that i had before and thought i was just weird or crazy to think i had *it was all in my imagination let me tell it*.

i have come to call my skin elephant skin. really, it gets rough and dry and discolored often but especially when i'm under alot of stress, go through extreme change, or when the seasons change. my elephant skin is coming back with a vengeance, and it will be bad this year unless i am proactive about it.

right now i am slathering it up with "Rahab Body Butter" (yes it's named after the prosititute in the Bible but it's not official yet so i don't market it) and it's doing wonders, and i use organic shea butter in between once daily slatherings, but at this moment i have to up this process from once a day to about 4 times...right now my face is on FIRE from the burning of my skin *it burns when it dries out*, and that's crazy because today i slathered on so much butter my daughter said, "mom i can see your face shining from the bathroom" and i was in my bedroom, a good 10-15 feet away.

this elephant skin is really bugging me this time around. it's cracking and itchy and burny, and i have skin burns and a bunch of other calamities on my face. there's really nothing much i can do for it but keep it hydrated and moisturized. i need to drink more water i know...i'm making a concious effort to start drinking more water to keep this stuff at bay...because i notice it does help slightly. but in the interim i'm about to buy a gallon of my own product to keep my face from cracking and falling apart.

elephant skin! i'm here!

*sigh*

i miss my blogger! GRAAHHHHH!

I NEED A LAPTOP! ;*(

this Christian woman's view on abortion.

now i know this is a difficult pill for some believers and non-believers alike to swallow, but this is my blog so i'm going to give my opinion re: Christians and their problems with legalized abortion.

legalized abortion is a very touchy subject and it's one of those damned-if-ya-do damned-if-ya-don't type situations. however, after alot of soul searching myself, i have simplified the trillions of facets of abortion into two basic sentences: abortion is allowed under governmental law and therefore is the law. and there is nothing wrong with abortion being legal.

any studious Christian knows that governments are a secular concept, not a spiritual one. any country that deems to make abortion legal has the absolute right to do so imo under it's government. bottom line, there's nothing to argue there. now to go a bit deeper.

the reason i even started this entry is simple. it irks me to see Christians get upset at the government, each other and whomever else is in earshot because the government (i suppose mr. president in particular according to some) refused to take away the right to abort.

one Christian i heard on the television today *my back was turned so i didn't see him* had the nerve to say that president obama is "allowing" abortion and "encouraging" it. how exactly, pray tell, is barack obama "allowing" or "encouraging" abortions to take place? as far as i can tell abortions were legal in many places before the man was born himself and the secular society we live in encourages abortions, not one person. no one person has the power to encourage thousands of abortions per year across a country. i have never heard mr. president say to someone, "please, go out and get an abortion. and if you can't find a clinic that will safely abort, please, please PLEASE stick a hanger way up there and tug hard."

there is nothing worse than a Christian that makes me look bad. as if i don't do things that make me look bad enough being my own Christian. but that Christian made me as a Christian look very bad. not only that, but he added yet another log to the political fire by outright lying on mr. president. i can hear the masses now, "that wasn't very God-like!!!"

*sigh*

i am pro-life. period. this fact about me will never change. it took me six long years to admit that i was pro-life and not pro-choice. as a matter of fact, i believe that any pro-choicer who says, "i'm only pro-choice because i can't tell another person what to do with their body" is a pro-lifer without the guts to admit their true feelings. that used to be me. but today i will matter-of-factly state that i am pro-life. i do not believe in abortion as legitimate, fine, acceptable or "the removal of an unwanted growth". i believe abortion is the killing of a human being, bottom line. now some will say this is very callous of an attitude to have, but i digress. whatever. i am not saying i can't stand those who abort, i've had an abortion myself. so i do not stand in the face of people being mightier-than-thou. that's not my steelo, and someone having an abortion would not make me love, like or care for them any less than i love myself. things happen and people make decisions that they believe are best when they make them, and without sounding *too* preachy, God still loves us all.

but i'm not here to argue that point.

my point here *right now anyway* is, in this world you cannot force the hand of any individual. so what is the problem? why are Christians *SO* very upset over the fact that abortion is legal and that mr. president refuses to take away choice in the matter? abortion should be legal, because it's going to happen one way or another, legal or illegal. making it legal does not mean one has to have an abortion. if this was true it would be making abortion mandatory that would be the more important problem, and i believe true pro-choicers would have have just as much issue with mandatory abortion as they do with taking the abortion option away *or at least that's my "rose-colored glasses" hope*. if a woman wants an abortion then i would rather her to be able to have one legally and in a clean, safe medical setting versus doing it the underground way, or worse yet by doing it herself, as i've heard many a story about. i believe many more people would die from illegal abortion than would from legal abortion, since many would-be mothers would probably kill themselves accidentally having bootlegged abortions done.

imo, understanding a moral law does not mean that one must FOLLOW said law. what's moral to the goose may be immoral to the gander. the only law a person is MANDATED to follow is the legal law. i know that sometimes the lines that draw the difference between legal and moral seem murky, but i am pretty sure that there is a line there somewhere. when a person wants something, truly and deeply, there is no amount of persuasion concerning morals and legalities that's going to get them to change their mind. this goes for both sides of the argument. those of us who are against abortion will be against it no matter how legal it becomes and no matter how many people do it. those of us who are not against abortion won't be against it no matter how illegal it becomes or how many people don't do it. this is the way life is when people stand firmly in their beliefs.

when this world ends the only person's behaviors we will be responsible for are our own. yes, we can and should encourage those around us to follow the law of God and not abort for their own sake and the sake of their unborn child(ren) because that is Christian duty. however, in the end whatever decision they make is truly their choice and legal right to make. the Bible says *yes i'm preaching here* that each man will be responsible only for his own actions in this world, not those of anyone else. our final judgement will be solely our own. so we cannot force our judgement on another person nor will we be able to blame our decisions on another person. those who are truly Christian know that they are in this world and not of it. so why does it anger so many people that this world is just doing what it's supposed to do--being the world? if the world agreed with God, Jesus wouldn't have had to say "ye are in the world not of it"because it wouldn't have been the truth. if God and the world were on the same accord then the world would be in us, and we would be in the world, and sin wouldn't exist and neither would the choice to sin or not to sin. we'd all be following God's Word and Law to the letter because well it would be all we had to follow *since sin wouldn't exist*. we would be taking it back to the Garden pre-serpent days.

yes, it's what's in the heart that counts. if someone has it in their heart to abort, well then hey. that is their RIGHT to abort as written by the legal law. and Jesus was the first to say, "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s” (Mathew 22:21). sure, the specific meaning of this verse was concerning taxes, but i believe the broader meaning of this verse is to follow the law and obey it, so long as the law of man does not conflict with the law of God. if the law of man conflicts with the law of God, you follow God. this law about *legalized abortion* does NOT conflict with the Word of God. why not you ask? it doesn't conflict with God's Word because this law is a choice, not a mandate. we have the choice to abort or not to abort. the law is simply, "abortion is legal and a woman has the right to an abortion if she so chooses to have one in this country". no more, no less. heck, i'm wondering if its even a law moreso than it is a choice. if no one in the world aborted, then God would certainly be happy i believe, and the law wouldn't matter one way or another now would it? but the government would still have the right to keep the wording and meaning of the law. the government's laws are not God's laws, and they were given the right not to be. so long as we Christians have the choice NOT to abort *and verily i tell you if you are Christian then you ought to be pro-life*, who is it bothering and why is it really bothering them?

if a person is under God, then they will know abortion is spiritually illegal and they will not abort. it's up to each person to decide which law he or she is going to follow. and God wants us to have the choice to do right more than He wants us to be forced to do what's right, believe me.

a blogger rant and vent!

I really wish blogger would get it together and allow picture uploads from our cell phones. Its really not that hard to do. I finally got to the point of being able to add pictures to my blog without feeling it is a burden only to find out that I can't do it from my cell phone. *smh*

Get it together blogger (or is there a way to do this and I'm the one that needs to get it together?)!

look what i "stumbled" upon!

during a time when i've been debating alot with other religions over who Jesus truly was, i found this passage by the apostle John to say everything i need to say. it gave me the confirmation i needed to have to continue debating the good debate.

1 John 2:20-27 (New International Version)

20But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you know the truth.[a] 21I do not write to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it and because no lie comes from the truth. 22Who is the liar? It is the man who denies that Jesus is the Christ. Such a man is the antichrist—he denies the Father and the Son. 23No one who denies the Son has the Father; whoever acknowledges the Son has the Father also.
24See that what you have heard from the beginning remains in you. If it does, you also will remain in the Son and in the Father. 25And this is what he promised us—even eternal life.
26I am writing these things to you about those who are trying to lead you astray. 27As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

why...

do atheists seem to love to attack Christians (both overtly and subtly), yet they seem to be docile around believers of other religions? it just seems so one sided and lopsided.

lately i've been dealing with some atheist conversation, and although it's civil for the most part, there are alot of subtle attacks towards Christians, even when the Christians aren't attacking the atheists (not even subtly). now i could be wrong, being as i'm Christian, and biased. but i've stepped away from the conversation and went back to it, only to realize that no...we are not attacking them.

i've been to forums where there are a wide variety of religions, and in every debate, the ones who get trashed the most are the Christians. the ones who get the least respect for their beliefs are the Christians. i have to ask, is this because Christians make up a majority of the group, is it because atheists have a thing for Christians moreso than any other religion, or is it for a reason totally unrelated?

i also notice that atheists dig up more "ammo" to use against Christians than any other group. i don't see them digging around for the most minute details of other religions to use in debate. i don't see them picking apart the Koran as much as the Bible, i don't see them taking issue with Buddah as much as Jesus.

not that i am overly concerned with this, but it's just something I'VE noticed. again, i could be wrong and i make no claims to a scientific study about this.

just wondering what IS it about us Christians that rubs them so badly?

got it right.

and it was easy! yay welcome me back to the world of blogging...my phone is a newer model but for some reason it took forever to download the page before when i tried...now it's giving me no problems at all.

sooo...woohoo, go me! my beautiful blog, how i've missed thee. :)

well well.

seems i've been gone longer than i thought and my computer is blinking out more than i thought. things are really tight for me right now, my family is doing well but i am feeling the tightness of the economy very badly now.

we have six months to the gate and sometimes i feel that this is never going to end. i never would have imagined in 1000 years that i would be the one having all the trouble adjusting to hubby coming home. but it's true...it's me. my emotions are just everywhere. i'm second, third and fourth guessing what we had and what we have, where we are and where we will be. i've been going through just so many emotions and it's harder than i thought it would be to keep a lid on them all.

he, on the other hand, is so excited to be coming home that virtually nothing puts a damper in his day. he's just as snug as a bug in a rug. he has his days but for the most part, he's looking towards the future, not being able to wait to get home and just enjoy his family--children and wife.

i have to remind myself to let myself go with the flow. what will be will be, and it will all work out for the best provided i do my best. he's telling me to have faith in us, and in all that we have accomplished and want to accomplish. i am trying to do that, but i won't lie--it's very harrowing. the what ifs are trying to eat me alive. and it's an every day battle to keep them away, back and down and out of my life.

all i know is that one golden rule of prison bidding--what we prison wives both near and far know and should live by--one day at a time. and that's what i'm doing, one day at a time, because i can't do it any other way. unless you consider the whole one hour at a time schtick, which i have been utilizing more often as well.

so we will see how it goes. i'm still being myself, watching my locs grow, being frugal supermom and loving wife, but i have backed out of the prison game much more. i am trying to preserve my own energy and health so to do that, i've had to let my hubby fend for himself a bit more in there. he's a big boy, he can do it.

i just can't wait until this is all over.

eww.

so for the past month i've been dealing with this sickening nausea following me everywhere. every day, all day it's here. i'm wondering if my thyroid has anything to do with it? because it's a constant in my life now. every time i eat, every time i settle down. it's to the point where now i'm ignoring it because there's nothing else i can do.

i have no clue about what it is ha (and no i ain't pregnant because you have to actually have sex to be pregnant and ha...visits don't allow all of that)...but it's really starting to bother me.

i drew blood on monday for testing, no phone call back though yet so maybe it's all normal. i'll call tomorrow to get the results.

something has to give--i can't live like this!

sickened.

most people love to link to prominent sites that back up their point of view. but because my point of view is backed up by the entire world wide web almost, there's no need for me to link prominent sites.

i am absolutely sickened(and i do mean sickened) by the status of this world, and people in america. i know it is cliche and i know it's been said a million times before, but i absolutely cannot stand...what i see going on these days. even what is said is vile and disheartening. what comes out of the mouth is overflow of the heart, and it's so true.

the way people say they wish nadya suleman's children would die, or be taken by child protective services (which is a horrendous, ignorant fate to wish on anyone because that "service" is nothing but an injustice to children and parents everywhere), or the way people back up the ny post's cartoon depicting barack obama as a dead chimpanzee, or the way people attack each other so openly on message boards is nothing short of amazing. i read some of this stuff and i'm appalled that these people walk, talk and live around me every single day of the week. it's scary to know that some of the shit (i had to let it out because that's what it is) i come across on the www is penned and defended by the people that make up my country--a place where my children will have to grow. i mean, i look around and say no wonder people are shooting each other in the face over street wars, parents are starving their children to death, men are beheading their wives and each other, women are setting each other on fire, the list goes on.

i won't link anything, but if no one believes me, i guess i don't mind going back to do the legwork. but just google anything i wrote above, and you're guaranteed to find 1,000,000 search results at least.

it's a shame because even my oldest daughter is getting to the point where she doesn't want to go outside, she'd rather stay in the house than to go outside and walk our dog. my children's school is right across the street and i am nervous about letting them walk to school alone. and it doesn't matter where i live or how old they are. i can live in the most crowded urban ghetto or the quietest rural area where there's no other neighbor for 20 miles. it doesn't matter. i am nervous for my children.

because what i see online is what they have to look forward to. and of course there's always the argument, "well it's just online." it's been proven that people online tend to be more honest and more open with how they truly feel because they are anonymous. and that's scary, because this garbage is what's in their heart.

i can't imagine what i'd do if i found out my neighbor is one of the ones that wished death on a child or a person that secretly admitted to torturing puppies for fun as an adult. or my old boss (whom i love), or a family member. or the man that owns the grocery down the block.

i guess there are good reasons for being anonymous--some things are better left unknown. but even that is a double edged sword because then you never truly know who surrounds you.

you can't make this stuff up. i don't see how anyone can actually go on in this world without some sort of cover or shield. i pray regularly, and it's only by the grace of God that i have gotten this far. this world is a disgusting dangerous landmine and it's only because of the goodness, faith and determination of the good few that the not so good many are even allowed to thrive. because if it weren't for people with good hearts, those with rotten cores would just devour themselves and each other in a cesspool of hatred and ignorance.

it's only because of those few beautiful hearts who are powered by many different forces that the world is still a good place.

it's only going to get worse. if you don't have a protected way to navigate the world now, you'd better get one. mark my words. i don't want to say God because some will become irate at that statement and lose their brain cells at an even faster rate that they currently are (and i'm not into encouraging anyone's demise), so i will leave it up to anyone who reads this post to decide what it means for them.

now i know this may seem like a hypocrisy coming from a woman with a husband in prison. i have an avid faith in the belief that my husband is a good person who is fighting a bad understanding of the world. i am not going to sit around and justify or defend (partly because i wasn't asked to, partly because i would never defend my love to at least 99% of the people in this world because it would make me look like a fool) our love or our family makeup and composition, but rest assured that regardless of my personal doings, i stand by what i say. because i am a good person with a good heart, and i what i speak is true.

ok, so what's the problem?

ok. now i'm not into politics or whatever, but these rethuglicans (as field calls them) are just about getting on my nerves.

tonight they are reporting on a woman who has 6 children and just gave birth to 8 more. they are making it seem as if this woman wasn't in her right mind when she did this, as if there's something wrong with her, and they have the nerve to also say that because of situations like hers (which there aren't many but i digress), invitro fertilization needs to be more "properly monitored". they also said that the clinic that was in charge of the process was irresponsible and basically needed to be shut down for their practices.

now, what i want to know is...why is this suddenly becoming an issue? also, who told the rethugs that she had invitro fertilization? it wasn't confirmed the last i checked. i'm not saying she didn't, but they are reporting these so called "facts" without even knowing the facts on a factual basis.

it wasn't an issue when jon and kate decided to have their eight and turn it into a tv show. this couple has admitted to using their children as a way to earn money and get a free ride through life, and they've basically been living off of freebies since they had them.

there are tons of folk who seem to be pushing out children at the speed of light--read about them here. and i am sure that many of these nice families have children already.

so hmm. what exactly is the problem? this lady has 6 children, and now had 8 more. well obviously 6 plus 8 is 14, but hey...when Jim and Michelle Duggar came to the spotlight with their then 14 children, everyone thought the story was endearing and cute, with Michelle giving them all names that begin with the letter j. and uh, the last time i checked--14 still equals 14. and that woman was still pushing them out like a champion because she just birthed baby number 18 last month.

now we get to this iranian woman who decided to have 14 children and it's this huge "ethical" debate. nevermind the fact that the grandfather is very wealthy, and these people have money and a larger home that the media is not aware of. the government is not caring for these children, and they all are healthy, so what's the problem? i love it how when anyone who is of color does something, it's such an issue...but when white people do the same thing, it's endearing and perfectly acceptable. if you flip through the african american multiple births, you will notice how they recieved way less corporate and donated help than their european counterparts for the same number of children and the same issues and hardships.

but i digress there as well.

the ironic part of this story is that this woman has had seemingly the healthiest multiple pregnancy, labor and delivery ever recorded. not only that, but her heaviest child was a whopping 3 pounds. not a small baby at all to have been sharing space with 7 brothers and sisters. not only that, but they all are breathing on their own.

she is the first octuplet mother in the USA to have all of her babies survive.

so it sounds to me as if she's doing pretty good, not at all like the rethuglicans are saying.

now i'm the last person that wants to make everything into a race issue, as we have enough folk in the world that do that on their own perfectly fine...but really...this just seems to be so black and white it's ridiculous.