spring is here!

so, spring is here, and i couldn't wait to get back to blogging for some odd reason. maybe it's because everything is so new and it's a time to start over, or maybe it's because the longer and sunnier days have my disposition feeling cheery, or maybe it's just because i've missed my blog. at any rate, it's spring and i am happy to be blogging lol.

this year has been a blessing as always, and even through the struggles ive been having with my family and individually, we are still immensely blessed. ecobaby is growing taller every day and now sports a headfull of soft, curly locks! she has fully benefitted from mommy's breastmilk--my only regret is that i stopped her at 1 year instead of continuing on. however, it was becoming extremely difficult for me to produce milk even with fenugreek supplements, so i'm just thankful to have been able to give her nearly a year's worth of milk. with 6 pearly whites to show with every smile, she is now beyond walking to running and getting into everything, and keeping mommy, daddy and siblings diligently on our toes.

our oldest daughter is struggling in school. she is a very social creature, and has allowed her social life override her education, which has resulted in her grades slipping and her mouth getting her in trouble more often than not. as of a few weeks ago, she was actually in danger of repeating 6th grade. due to behavioral issues that have been professionally addressed, her struggles are a bit more intense than they would be under normal circumstances, so it is pretty much a critical situation with her. i am revamping the way that i approach this situation with her, because not only was my previous way of dealing with these difficulties counterproductive to her, they were also counterproductive to my family and i. we are now in a very delicate and very difficult to navigate position, but i am learning patience and to watch what i say and do with her, and it has been helping out. step by step, day by day, and some days seem slower than others, but looking back, i do see changes happening. i am continuing to pray over the situation, and i am continuing to look for Jesus' hand to guide us through.

our ten year old daughter has also been struggling a bit in school, but that's mainly due to laziness on her behalf, and a penchant for drawing and artwork that is overtaking a penchant for listening to the teacher. she absolutely loves her drawing and artwork, and lately her masterpeices have been not only taking over her world, but they've taken over ours as well! artwork all over the bedroom, all over my kitchen table, stuffed in every pocket of her bookbag. this is a passion gone awry, one that we have spoken about, and that she has promised to reign in just a bit. but by no means am i stopping her...we have the next picasso on our hands, believe me as i type it!

our 6 year old is progressing along very well. now more than halfway through kindergarten, she is finally taking to school, and got all a's and b's this marking period, an improvement from all b's and 1 c last marking period. because this is her first full year of school, her teacher is very pleased with her progress. she was struggling with letter recognition, but with the help of outside resources and learning books gifted to us from my mother, a retired teacher, she is coming along beautifully. i am especially pleased because she had such a difficult time adjusting to prek that i not only took her out of prek, but i was dreading kindergarten. but she's taking to it like a fish to water. this serves as a lesson for me never to underestimate my parenting skills. i went against my better judgement by sending her to school before i felt she was ready; now i am relieved to see that taking her out and keeping her home was a good move on my behalf. mornings are still a struggle for her, as she's not too thrilled with waking up so early, but once we get the ball rolling, everything is all good!

my husband is also doing well. although he has not gotten a permanent position anywhere as of yet, that is something for our prayer life, something that we are trusting God about. i would be afraid for us, but fear is not of God. so i have no place for it in my life or heart. i am happy to say that my husband has completed a 21 day fast (not perfectly, but he kept getting back up and going right back on the fast, and i can say his slip ups were unintentional. one meal he ate had bread in it and he didnt know)! i am so proud of him--and i do believe we were mightily blessed by his endeavor. he was saved in may of 2011, so that was a huge step for him. we are doing better than ever on our marital journey, keeping God first and allowing everything to fall into place. i'll be blogging more about this journey as time goes on.

now for me! whew. where to begin? i am teeter tottering on everything it seems. my weight, my thyroid, my studies, everything...even my blogging. i dont want to turn this into a pity party where i kick my own back in...but i am not happy with my progress on anything. another reason for blogging. to help me keep myself on track with the goals that i have in life. my life is so packed and so busy, that i deserve this to not only share myself and what i have to offer, but to help me keep myself on track, and get encouragement. which makes me even more fully welcome the spring and be happy it's here! a new season, a new beginning, and a new attitude!

the rules.

so, at my daughter's last therapy session (she has been diagnosed as having adhd and odd), i was given ways to combat behavioral problems in our household and ideas on how to use punishment effectively. this was namely to help my daughter control her impulsive, often defiant behaviors, but it also ran over to aid overall in the way my husband and i care for our children).

one of our tasks was to create a list of what we dubbed "the rules", a short list of house rules that everyone, any time they are in the household, must obey at all times. everyone is every one...adults and children, family and friends. if a person cannot obey the rules then there is a consequence, depending on who the person is. if the person is an adult that lives in the home, then the children have a right to remind the adult of the rule(s) they broke. if the person is one of the children, then they lose a privledge for a single day. if the person is a guest in the home, then they will not be allowed back into the home for a specific amount of time.

so, everyone thought about rules they would like to see implemented, and once we did that, we took a vote on what we collectively felt were the best rules, and used them to create our rule list (the great thing about this was the fact that everyone thought about a great rule, so everyone has a rule on the rule list). from there, each child rewrote "the rules" on poster board and decorated it. the finished lists were then posted in each room of the house. this is so "the rules" will always be on display within the house, and can be referred back to if need be.

now, i have to admit that just the idea of the rule list got the girls' attention. once we sat down to discuss "the rules", they knew mommy and daddy were serious. once the lists were finished and hung, i think i heard a few gulps go around. there was definitely a difference in attitude once "the rules" were visible in every room.

just that action modified behaviors.

for about an hour.

obviously, nearly everyone forgot the rules...even me. i got upset and called one of my daughters silly acting, and had to remind myself of the rules. ecobaby started screaming (to which my husband loudly replied "someone turn that baby down!" before he reminded HER at 6 months old, that she was breaking a rule). my oldest daughter started to tease my second daughter, and she retaliated by yelling at her. two more rulebreakers. the only person that made it out of the battle of "the rules" without any wounds was my husband and our third oldest baby, broodybaby.

my consequence was that i had the guilt of namecalling on my mind, our oldest and second oldest girls had to forgo watching a movie before bedtime, and the baby had to go to sleep. my husband smirked at not breaking any rules, and watched the after dinner movie with broodybaby.

the oldest two went upstairs crying, and begging for forgiveness, to which i had the honor of shutting them down asap (another suggestion i was given in therapy is to not entertain pleas, parental no's mean NO and that's final).

it was hard for me NOT to entertain them, which lets me know that i usually entertain them.

but i followed through on it, told them that the decision was FINAL, "the rules" were broken and the movie was taken away from them. i reminded them that tomorrow is another day and they can make better decisions to have better outcomes for events (another suggestion given to me).

i already feel parentally worked in ways i haven't been in a long time. there must be something to what my therapist is saying, because it FEELS like this will be a good thing for us in the long run.

but please don't let that pretty, colorful, short and sweet lil ole rules list fool you. "the rules" are serious contenders in my household, and they have made their presence known, already affecting the lives of every person in this house.

i'm just hoping they dont jump off the paper and beat us into obedience.

breastmilk is the best milk...

...and playtex dropins are the best bottles.

I'm on month three of my "eco frugal baby" experiment, and am pleased to announce that its going quite nicely. at 15 lbs., ecobaby is doing beautifully and eats about 95% mommies milk and 5% similac (emergencies only). her total formula intake since birth has been less than 20oz, and shes eating about 4oz every 2 hours, so i believe even 95% is a conservative number, its probably more like 98% lol.

although ecobaby is a mommies milk baby, shes not a breast baby. she does cuddle against my chest at night for bedtime, but she does not breastfeed. this is mainly due to mastitis in my right breast, which was exacerbated by breastfeeding and relieved by pumping, and poor latch (which undoubtedly caused the mastitis). i'm an "ep" mommy, aka exclusively pumping mommy, and let me tell ya, i can't thank medela enough! either way it goes, so long as ecobaby eats mommies milk, I'm happy.

now, onto the thrills of breastmilk (i can't applaud this stuff enough) and playtex bottles.

i found out through lots of research *insert nerd smiley here*, that breastmilk has many great features, including but not limited to:

it *oils* ecobaby's digestive track, so constipation is not possible

it is safe for 10 hours at room temperature once expressed

it grows as ecobaby grows, so at birth, its perfect for newborns. at 1 year, its perfect for 1 year olds. at 3, its perfect for 3 year olds, etc.

it tastes like mommies diet

it is full of immunitive chemicals

it burns about 500 calories a day while being produced

it releases feel good hormones for mom and ecobaby during expression/feeding

the list goes on. now playtex bottles are the perfect companion to my milk and thus the best bottles (in my opinion of course) because:

they are easy to clean

they are stackable to spacesave in the fridge

the bags are sterile

the bags are also affordable

the bags can be frozen so double as milk storage bags

the bags collapse as ecobaby eats, thus preventing gas (and possibly colic)

the bottles are pretty, and affordable as a whole.

now, i assure you neither lalecheleague or playtex are endorsing me for this blog entry (although it would be nice). they don't need to, the proof is in the pudding. and in ecobaby's beautiful smile.

maybe baby?

well, since this is the year of surprises (ended one relationship, got into another one, got married, etc. etc.)...i guess it won't be the wrong time to let another cat out of the bag...

i'm pregnant!

and not only that...but i'm like beyond pregnant. so far along i'm almost due. next month to be exact (stay tuned for an interesting story and pictures on how i'm preparing for her arrival).

no, this wasn't a case of "i didn't know i was pregnant..." i truly did know i was pregnant. from the very first weeks actually. i just decided not to tell anyone for various reasons, but mainly to keep my own stress level down to a minimum as much as humanly possible.

now onto the really fun part...

it's another girl! so far we have a name picked for her, kinda. actually we do, and while some people are still getting used to it (including my husband), i love it because it means, "the Lord has heard me"...and answered me.

i have to admit, He's also straightened out alot of the mess i've been in the last 12 months. and i'm happy about that because i want to bring home our newest addition with as much peace and joy as i have inside of me. i finally feel like i'm where i not only should be, but where i want to be after a long time of being confused and unsure of myself.

and that is a huge relief, because i am really getting excited over the fact that in a few short weeks, i'll be mom to not three, but four beautiful little girls. :0)

19 things i like about the duggar family.

during my spiritual journey these past couple of weeks, it was revealed to me that one of the things preventing me from continuing up my spiritual ladder to the position i should be in is the fact that i am not humble enough. so i pondered this dilemma of mine, mainly because i'm not exactly sure if i understand the definition of humilty. after spending much time looking up acts of humility and lessons on humility taught by Jesus Christ, i sort of kind of grasp the idea of humility better, and after much prayer and talking with the Father, i even see in myself where i do indeed need to become a more humble person. and i have been striving diligently over these past few days to become more humble.

it "just so happens" that i've also been watching more television lately. i am not sure if this stems from my search for humility in a world that's not so humble *and what better place to see how unhumble the world is than tv?*, or if it stems from the fact that i haven't been feeling my greatest *more on that later*...but whatever the case may be, i have found myself to be this learning-to-be-humble couch potato.

so while flipping haphazardly through the television stations at 3am four nights ago, i came across the television show on tlc "19 and counting", the reality show about jim bob and michelle duggar, a married couple with 19 children. i watched the show mainly because it piqued my curiosity, and i didn't think much of it...they seemed like an ok enough couple and that was it.

it "just so happens" *it's amazing how God works*, that the next day, i caught myself watching not one, but another two episodes of 19 an counting, and this time i had more time and inclination to actually pay this family attention.

and i came to the startling conclusion that i actually admire the duggars very much, and how i am becoming more humble by forming my own opinions of people and situations instead of relying on the opinions of others and the media to shape mine for me.

so, because i actually like the duggars that much, despite some of the not-so-nice things i've read about them, i've decided to make a like of 19 things that i really admire about the duggars, just from what little i know about them *and trust me, i will be watching them daily now*:

1. they have home church, and do not attend "formal" church services *more on that another day*.

2. their children play instruments.

3. their children are very well disciplined.

4. their house is very clean.

5. jim bob and michelle clearly love each other.

6. their ideals are in alignment with each others, and none of them "force" themselves on anyone else, they are who they are and it works out beautifully.

7. they do alot of community work.

8. michelle homeschools all of her children, and makes it look easy.

9. they eat pretty healthy foods, for the most part.

10. they have 5 acres of farmland.

11. before they became "famous", their family was well in tact and in order, despite jim bob making an average salary and michelle not working.

12. michelle is a sahm *woohoo!*

13. their children are actually cute.

14. they stick to their belief systems, no matter what others think or say.

15. they have never used welfare to support their children *not that i am against welfare, more on that another day*

16. michelle still has a great shape to have delivered 19 children.

17. they utilize technology PROPERLY...for education, not recreation.

18. they utilize the knowledge of the people they meet.

19. they live a relatively simple life, without the clutter of too much modernism.

it's already humbling to see how my own mindset is formed when i don't allow others to infiltrate my thoughts *i was surprised at how much i allow that*, how much in common i have with other people, to recognize that i'm not above or below anyone, and to realize just how much alike people really are.

how do you say something you really need to say?

ok...i've been thinking about this for months now...and actually wasn't sure how to say it. it's funny though because well, this is my blog and i can say what i want to say how i want to say it and i technically don't have to worry about what anyone else says about what i say.

however, it's not that easy. i'm still anxious about saying *technically typing* out what i have to say. but i'm going to go on and type it anyway.

i am no longer with my husband. i am a single mother again. there. i said it.

but that's not all.

i AM with my ex-fiance, who is asking to now be my husband.

that's not all either.

i am totally taking my time with my boyfriend, *who just so happens to be the father of my 10 and 8 year olds*, before being married again.

to make a super long story short, i realized that i no longer WANT to be the wife of a man in prison. not that i couldn't do it, but i began to feel as if my ex husband was turning into a different man and really trying to manipulate and force me into decisions that i didn't want to agree with, especially when they make me go against what i know to be true as a child of God. while he is a great man, i decided that we were not a great team anymore and he was becoming a true stress on my spirit. funny, but everyone around me supported me 100% when i thought they would bash my lifestyle and decisions.

i have been the wife of a man in prison for 5 years. and i don't regret not being that woman anymore. i realize that i not only need more out of my marriage, but that i have the right to live my life fully for me. unfortunately, my ex husband is NOT out of prison and may not come out until 2011. when he does make it out here, i will do my best to help him, but i am 100% certain that i do not want to maintain a romantic relationship with him, and i will not become his wife again. it is over for us.

i love my ex-husband, but i am no longer IN love with him. prison DOES have something to do with it, but really his attitude and expectations have totally turned me away. permanently--they aren't something that i care to ever forget *although i have forgiven him*.

i love my boyfriend, but our breakup was very nasty and many years later, i still have trust issues. however, something deep down in my heart is telling me that he is marriage material.

i am still a woman of God though, and although i've done plenty that i had to pray over, i know God is still by my side, and instead of condemning me for my decisions, is working His booty off to get me out of any drama that i may be in.

and that is all *for now*. i am still a Proverbs woman, and because i very well may be a wife again soon enough, i will leave my blog as it is *especially since someone else may take the name if i let it go hehe*.

that explains my hiatus AND i finally *said/typed* what i needed to say. and while many people may not read this blog often, some people do, and i just wanted to keep it as real as i can without telling my social security number *snicker*. to all of my fellow prison wives who read this blog, you know who you are. i love you dearly and i will always be here for you no matter what...although i'm not tied to the prison system anymore.

and now...i feel better! my anxiety has been reduced considerably, and the world is still turning after my major announcement. wow, that was easier than i thought it'd be!

cats, cats everywhere!

sam. one of my very first set of foster siblings, sam's brother kater died a few days after my mom brought the litter home, so she passed sam and her brothers fred and purrfect off to me. they've all since been adopted and have new moms and dads. :)

bo. from my second set of foster siblings, bo is awaiting adoption now. she looks evil here but she's really cute LOL.

godaddy is my newest foster. he was in poor condition when i brought him home. he has neurological defects and is a special needs kitten. his eyes here are watery because he has a slight eye infection. but what he lacks for in balance he makes up for in personality! godaddy is afraid of the dark so i keep a light on for him at all times. *sadness to my soul, godaddy died on 10/14/09 in my arms. he died from complications from injuries and neurological complications. it was difficult for me to deal with, even moreso than the kids. :*( *

bamino, my 2 month old foster, rubbing heads with my sleeping daughters. bambino is also the kitten in this post. when i brought bambino home with his sister bo and his sister purrina *i don't have a picture of her :( *, they were so little and new i thought they would all die (he fit perfectly in my daughter's hand pictured next to him now). their eyes had JUST opened and they were still bottle babies! NOW he's fat and heavy and handsome and fresh!

dean! he's 11 years old, and is an old ornery man. but he's still a doll. he is battling an eye infection right now and bowel problems but he still thinks he's a young whippersnapper LOL. see the huge mess he made with his litter *and got caught in the act doing*?!

so at the beginning of the summer, inspired by my own desire to change the world, mr. president's encouraging words about volunteering, and my general love for animals, i decided to volunteer at my local humane society. i had also been going through a series of stressful health situations and figured that doing something for animals in need and their caretakers would help me to not worry so much about my own issues.

so on may 2nd i believe, i went to an open house and first timers meeting for becoming a humane society volunteer. immediately i loved the animals, the flexible schedules, and their generosity to take any help the volunteers offered, from washing clothes to walking the dogs *some people and organizations actually aren't generous about receiving volunteer help*. my mom came with me *also prompted by mr. president's volunteer pep talk* and she decided to volunteer too.

we started that day, folding dry laundry and washing dirty laundry, totally not adequately dressed for the event but in love with the place nonetheless.

over the weeks we got to know everyone and the pets to the point where we were indistinguishable from the actual employees other than the lack of a biweekly paycheck. eventually we knew the ropes and where everything was, and we stuck to walking and giving the dogs some extra love and cleaning their areas...until one day we wandered into the *back* of the shelter.

to the kitten room.

in this room we were immediately hit by the stench of sick babies and mama cats who desperately needed help because they were just dying slowly. eye infections, upper respiratory infections and digestive tract problems ruled the land there, and almost every cat in the room was dying. since the humane society we volunteer for is a no-kill shelter, instead of putting the cats down, they strive diligently, patiently and sometimes pleadingly for the cats to get better and the illnesses to subside. we were told that since the economy weakened the shelter was rationing out medications and it just wasn't enough, but there wasn't enough money to purchase more medicine. so the only thing that could really help was taking home the best off kittens to keep them from getting sicker and taking home the worst off kittens to try and help *aka pray* them back to life and health. right then and there my mom picked a family of kittens to bring home. i picked an adult orange cat named dean who has irritable bowel syndrome in cat form (and he actually was in the sick adult room, not the kitten room, but it's a very similar place), and my mom brought home a set of kittens that were doing the best out of the room. the next day we went back to the shelter and dismantled the entire kitten room, disinfecting the whole place and letting the kittens out group by group to get exercise. over time the room got worse and then better, sometimes the kittens would die and one or two HAD to be put down because they were already basically dead, but then sometimes there would be a burst of cuteness coming from somewhere that just made the whole ordeal worth it. i eventually got my moms group of kittens because she wasn't prepared for the difficulties of raising little babies without a mama cat.

when the brakes on my van went i couldn't get back and forth to the shelter anymore *neither could my mom*, so we just decided to become full time foster parents of the neediest kittens and mama's in the shelter. why the kittens? because while the dogs are higher maintenance, the kittens and cats have more needs. i chose to take on the kittens because i already have adult cats in my house and more adults just makes it harder for me to keep the peace *at one time my only female adult started spraying this one particular wall EVERY DAY because of stress! *EEWWWWW*

right now, i have godaddy, bambino *pictured above* and dean *pictured above, whom i adopted*. dean has an eye infection that may cause him to lose his right eye so that has me a bit wacked out, and his irritable bowel syndrome is getting worse. but he's alive and i'm doing the best i can. every other kitten has been adopted save bo, who is waiting now.

i didn't expect the financial costs to rise of my household with fostering kittens, but it has. i'm already strapped for cash to the point where i am statistically in poverty, and i buy the cats food and litter because the shelter is having a hard time. medicines are low and i can't afford vet bills *which is why dean's eye is so bad off*. most people would say don't adopt a cat you can't afford but taking dean back to the shelter is out of the question and struggling together with half of the problems you had before has gotten to be better than struggling alone with all of them. i am blessed for the opportunity and so are the cats. i used to feel that praying for animals was silly until i went through the stress with baby, now i see that you can pray for anything that you feel is important to pray for, and if you have to pray for it, it must be important. God must smile down on me because i send up my prayers for my fosters and He answers them. if He doesn't answer them, there's a reason and i accept that all things have their time.

we eat everynight and have lots of love and warmth to give. the kittens get their needs met with me and my girls love them, and i feel like i'm really making a difference, despite my dire financial situation and sometimes lifestyle stress. so really, i'd say i'm rich. and so are my kitties.

*btw, the kitten room has improved DRAMATICALLY and i am HAPPY to announce that this season was the worst season the humane society has seen for cats in years...good! so we basically got indoctrinated in the worst season--now i know it doesn't get much worse than that. from here we can only go up. hopefully next season won't be nearly as bad*.

my baby is growing up.

just three and a half short years ago, i held my newborn baby in my arms, amazed at how much like her daddy she looked, how tiny she was in my arms. i was so proud of her, to have been strong enough to hang in there with mommy during a very difficult pregnancy, one in which i feared for her life on at least three occassions.

now, my tiny baby girl has grown up into a active, rowdy three year old who still looks like her daddy, but has the round nose and eyes of her mommy... ;)

but she's growing up! and to be very honest, i'm not ready for that just yet. not right now...
.

.

.

.

ok, i'm not sure when i'll be ready for it, but i can assure you i'm not ready for it now. but despite my inability to wrap my mind around the fact that everyone grows up and my baby is no exception, she's doing just that.

she's growing up. no amount of typing that phrase out will keep her from growing up, nor will any amount of typing slow the process of her growing up.

how do i know she's growing up? well the fact that she's only three but wears a 5t is one piece of proof that she's growing up. but even more devastating than that...my baby has decided she wants to go to *gulp* school!

that horrid, terrible, six-letter word. school.

the taste it leaves in my mouth is inexplicable, and i assure you, you don't want to taste it either.

yes, my baby has decided that at the ripe old age of three point five years old, she is ready to leave the nest and enter the world of school. just to prove her point, she has demanded (and i gave in) to carrying her lunch around in a lunch box. for the past two days, i've packed up her lunch in her older sister's last year lunch box, and she has proudly and matter of factly told everyone within earshot "im goin' tuh skewl! see?!?!" as she points excitedly towards her dora the explorer metal lunch tin.

i've had to come up with 20 reasons an hour about why she actually isn't in school, but none of them satisfy her for more than 3 minutes. she's demanding to go to school, and i'm running out of reasons why she's not in school.

now she would be in an actual daycare center except that i don't approve of any daycare centers i've seen in my area over the past three years, and i refuse to take my children somewhere i don't approve of. working in that field at my last job really showed me alot of issues the state has not addressed in the way of daycare centers and i just refuse to have my baby in the middle of all that nonsense. she used to go to homecare, but it's gotten expensive, more than i can afford per week, since i lost my job. it used to cost 80.00 per week, now it's 160.00 per week for her old sitter, who is really the only person i trust with her.

so she's stuck home with me for now (not that she appreciates it, she doesn't).

i have been looking steadily for part time work, so if i'm able to find it, i probably will be able to afford to send her back to her sitter. if i don't find work, i am going to go back to school full time and she can go back to her sitter, which she'd love. then she can finally tote around her little dora lunchbox and actually be going to school (in a sense at least).

and i can be soothed somewhat. because she wouldn't be in school per se, just daycare. and because daycare isn't school exactly, only similar to school in certain ways, i can buy at least another two years of having my baby still be my baby.

smooth sailing.

I can honestly say that since I've become more serious about church, tithing,giving, helping others, Biblical studies and coming closer to God in general, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the quality of my life has improved tenfold. I no longer feel drudged down by the weight and worries of this world.

Some may have heard me say it but some may not have--this summer has been a spiritual breakthrough for me. I say this truly and sincerely. I suppose God believed that it was time for me to go to the next level in my spirituality, well I've made it there with flying colors! I can't believe how much I was missing out on concerning my relationship with Him before!

Now that I have this new relationship I pray that it doesn't dissolve, that I have the strength and faith and determination to continually walk with Him without letting the secularness of this world hold me back or cause me to second guess myself and God's love for me. Because while some people are absolutely positive there is nothing that makes them waiver in God--i've been angry with Him to the point of not even talking to Him, I've lost faith before and sometimes I've even understood the rationings of non-believers and have been struck with what I call the "What Ifs"--a period in which I question the reality of God. But I find that while the stronger I get in God the stronger the opposition gets, the easier it is for me to tackle my own doubts and insecurities and tap them down to resume my walk in, through and with Him.

I've found such a peace in my increased spirituality that I no longer get all wound up when problems come my way. I'm curbing a lot of the words coming out of my mouth and ideas coming out of my mind and I'm no longer feeling like I'm going against my own grain or what seems to be ingrained in me to the point that its simply who I am. I find that working on myself is becoming easier than ever. Its not EASY but its easier than it has ever been before for me.

I'm on my way...I am reaping the goodness of God in my life and I am bringing that goodness to and encouraging my family to find their own goodness in Him moreso than ever before. My children are developing a stronger relationship in Him as well. I can see such a marked difference in all of us in only a month, I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't experiencing it myself.

I am blessed with smooth sailing!

The Maker's Diet.

this book is an excellent read, even for those who are not neccessarily religious but want to change the way they view their food and eating habits, and for those who want to change their way of life and eat healther, get in shape and be better for it.

i got so excited towards the end of The Maker's Diet that i went on a binge and threw away half of my kitchen. i don't really regret it--one read and you'll feel bad for eating non-organic, and feeding it to your kids, if you have any.

this book also made me revamp my mindset that i had about food before, as viewed in this post. not that i was wrong before, but i'd say more ignorant. there was a response given also to my post that i didn't quite "get" back then, but i get it now--thanks to the person that wrote me that post! now i see why pork is bad for you as well as other foods, and i understand that God's rules concerning food did not change. the only thing that did change is that now, eating whatever you want isn't a sin, but the bad for you foods still remain bad for you. you just won't go to hell for eating them.

i've decided to switch us over to a 50% minimum organic diet. this includes all dairy, fruits and vegetables. i'm aiming for all organic meats, but thus far those are expensive. for now i just try to get meats raised and prepared in the most natural, humane ways.

but what an excellent read it is...i got my copy for 99 cents off ebay *now you really didn't think i'd purchase this sucker for 15.00 new right?!* however, i've read in various places online that the author of this book, Jordan Rubin, offers free copies to those who are in financial straights but wish to obtain the information he provides.

i personally love the book. it's not gimmicky or weird and the rules really are simple and common sensical. of course those who aren't spiritually inclined will scoff at the more spiritual side of the book. and that's just fine. the rest of us appreciate his words and his relationship with God--i personally cried during a few pages.

we are making the transition to a naturally healthy lifestyle with this book and a few other resources i've obtained over time, and to be honest it's much easier than i imagined it'd be. i'm happy i'm doing it--my kids love organic 1% milk just as much as regular whole milk and the prices (which i'll blog about after my first full organic shopping experience coming up) thus far don't seem to be abnormally out of range. i paid 4.19-4.59 for a gallon of hormone/antibiotic laced milk, and now i pay 4.99 for a gallon of certified organic milk. well worth the extra few cents for the better health and piece of mind. now i feel guilty if i even think about getting my kids non-organic milk--like i'm purposefully giving them hormones and antibiotics in every cup of milk. we've even started on organic sugar (2.50 for 1.5 pounds). and that's not any fault at all of The Maker's Diet, i've been feeling this guilt trip rising in the back of my throat for a few weeks now!

i'm going to complete the book again and then just start the diet (which comes in three different phases and levels), but i'm already eating better after the first read. now i know that there's a possibility that what we eat isn't as organic as it could be, even if it's stamped by the usda as organic, but i can taste the difference in the milk that we drink now, and i can taste the difference in the sugar and the vegetables. the flavors are smoother, more robust. i noticed the milk tastes creamier and lighter. the vegetables have a sweeter, stronger taste. so i don't know if it's psychological or what, but so far we're enjoying it and i figure it has to have LESS chemicals in it than non-organic, which is always a start.

summer bugs.

we've been fighting a horrible flu bug all month long in my home...and it seems to be either the same or getting worse--never really better.

last night i ran the baby to the ER because she had a high fever and started throwing up. now her fever is still about 102 degrees...i've been giving her motrin and it helps a lot but as soon as it wears off the fever spikes right back up.

the flu has been chasing me too. this is my fifth day of sickness and i haven't been this sick in years. at this point i'm just trying to stay down in the bed and get lots of fluid...

the older two are with my mom, we're trying to keep them from getting sick like this because it's pretty bad. my only reprieve for the kids is that this is the last few days of school so they're in relax mode anyway and don't have schoolwork and clothes to stress (yay for me too OF COURSE).

so i'm just in bed trying to relax and get better. the hubby wrote me ordering it and telling me to hurry up because he "doesnt like it when we're sicky". lol.

neither do we!

ok, so what's the problem?

ok. now i'm not into politics or whatever, but these rethuglicans (as field calls them) are just about getting on my nerves.

tonight they are reporting on a woman who has 6 children and just gave birth to 8 more. they are making it seem as if this woman wasn't in her right mind when she did this, as if there's something wrong with her, and they have the nerve to also say that because of situations like hers (which there aren't many but i digress), invitro fertilization needs to be more "properly monitored". they also said that the clinic that was in charge of the process was irresponsible and basically needed to be shut down for their practices.

now, what i want to know is...why is this suddenly becoming an issue? also, who told the rethugs that she had invitro fertilization? it wasn't confirmed the last i checked. i'm not saying she didn't, but they are reporting these so called "facts" without even knowing the facts on a factual basis.

it wasn't an issue when jon and kate decided to have their eight and turn it into a tv show. this couple has admitted to using their children as a way to earn money and get a free ride through life, and they've basically been living off of freebies since they had them.

there are tons of folk who seem to be pushing out children at the speed of light--read about them here. and i am sure that many of these nice families have children already.

so hmm. what exactly is the problem? this lady has 6 children, and now had 8 more. well obviously 6 plus 8 is 14, but hey...when Jim and Michelle Duggar came to the spotlight with their then 14 children, everyone thought the story was endearing and cute, with Michelle giving them all names that begin with the letter j. and uh, the last time i checked--14 still equals 14. and that woman was still pushing them out like a champion because she just birthed baby number 18 last month.

now we get to this iranian woman who decided to have 14 children and it's this huge "ethical" debate. nevermind the fact that the grandfather is very wealthy, and these people have money and a larger home that the media is not aware of. the government is not caring for these children, and they all are healthy, so what's the problem? i love it how when anyone who is of color does something, it's such an issue...but when white people do the same thing, it's endearing and perfectly acceptable. if you flip through the african american multiple births, you will notice how they recieved way less corporate and donated help than their european counterparts for the same number of children and the same issues and hardships.

but i digress there as well.

the ironic part of this story is that this woman has had seemingly the healthiest multiple pregnancy, labor and delivery ever recorded. not only that, but her heaviest child was a whopping 3 pounds. not a small baby at all to have been sharing space with 7 brothers and sisters. not only that, but they all are breathing on their own.

she is the first octuplet mother in the USA to have all of her babies survive.

so it sounds to me as if she's doing pretty good, not at all like the rethuglicans are saying.

now i'm the last person that wants to make everything into a race issue, as we have enough folk in the world that do that on their own perfectly fine...but really...this just seems to be so black and white it's ridiculous.

sibling rivalry. *sigh*

my daughters are 9, 6 and 2. it seems like the older they get, the more they bicker and fuss. now i make it a point to explain to them that they are all sisters and they need to take care of each other, not argue and fight with each other, but lately this is falling on deaf ears.

the oldest bosses around the two youngest. the middle girl always argues with the oldest. the baby always hits on the middle girl, who in turn breaks out into tears. the oldest tries to stop the youngest, who then comes running to mommy crying.

this is a cycle that may briefly take a different turn of direction, but at the end of the day...it's a cycle that continues.

and i am so exhausted from it. i still repeat to them that they are sisters, they need to help each other and not bicker, but it continues despite my efforts.

my mother says this is normal and will only get worse, especially since they are all girls.

i am not looking forward to it getting any worse.

Leah, Rachel and the slave ship Trouvadore.

i was reading my Bible yesterday because i had to do some research for work...and i decided to use Leah and Rachel in my work.

for anyone that doesn't know about these two awesome yet very human sisters, you can check out their story in Genesis 29-30ish. but as a quick rundown...Leah and Rachel were sisters--Leah the oldest. Jacob (Issacs son, Abrahams grandson) fell in love with Rachel. as they were to be married, Rachel's father switched Rachel with her older sister Leah (the reasons for this could be many--Laban their father was a nasty man. and some say that the tradition was for the oldest to be married first) and Jacob accidentally married Leah. but because he was in love with Rachel, he married her too. now he wound up with two wives.

before i continue, let me interject that God has a funny sense of humor about Himself, and He never does anything for one reason. i was reading this story for my business, but wound up applying it to myself.

so anyway...now Jacob has two wives who were sisters. sibling rivalry is a terror because these two constantly fought for Jacob's love. Jacob, although in love with Rachel, still knew that Leah was his wife. Leah was not very beautiful but she had a good heart and she was in absolute love with Jacob. Rachel was angry and frustrated and unhappy because she had a nasty father who basically ruined her life and she also had to compete for her husband Jacob, whom she loved.

Leah's story is one that we hear of so much today--she became pregnant, not once--but six times--to hope to win her husband's love and affection. and it never worked...because no matter how many children she had by Jacob, he always loved Rachel more.

yanno the saying, "a baby don't keep a man?" well the women of today--those same women who get pregnant in hopes of keeping their man--are the Leah's of today.

but that's not why i read the story, or why i applied it to myself. God has blessed me with a man that i don't have to fight over.

now Leah had the babies, but didn't have Jacob.

Rachel was the exact opposite. Rachel had Jacob, but she was infertile. and that was ruining her life even moreso than fighting over him with Leah was. Rachel believed that Leah was 10x better than she because Leah had Jacob's children, while she could not. Although Rachel had the love of her life and was content in every area, she still was basically a miserable little wench...because she wanted the man and his babies (this is where God taught me a lesson...but i'll get to that in a moment).

Now finally, God allowed Rachel to conceive. She had her son Joseph (who eventually became the ruler of Egypt)...and her words of joy were, "God has taken away my disgrace. May the Lord add to me another son!" so Rachel's thankfulness didn't come from having a healthy child, but "winning" the "war" between her sister and herself. because see, Leah had the babies, but not Jacob. and now Rachel had the baby AND Jacob...so she felt that she was the winner.

to make a long story short...Rachel's happiness didn't come until she had it all. But she was so miserable with her life because she was hurt and angry at her father and her sister that she missed out on her life. instead of enjoying what she was blessed with, Rachel complained her life away. not only that, but she was also a liar and a deciever herself--she let her anger and emotions get the best of her and basically ruin who she was, and that directly lead to her death. Leah remained faithful and loyal despite not having her hearts content...and guess what? Leah lived the longest life, had the most children AND she was buried with Abraham and Sarah. and rumor has it that Jacob eventually began to notice and become affectionate with Leah. Leah worked with what she had and thanked God for it, even if she had to share, even if she got the short end of the stick. Rachel only had two children, died at a young age while delivering the second baby, and was buried on the side of a road...away from her ancestors. she was miserable and unhappy because she didn't have it all. she was in constant competition with her sister (even though a man having multiple wives during this time was normal), always bickering, and at one time she and Jacob weren't on speaking terms because she was so miserable acting.

for a minute there, i was Rachel. instead of being happy with what i have and working with it, i complained and groped. i saw myself in Rachel...having love, having health, having this and that--but still being miserable because of what i don't have. for Rachel it was children and her husband to herself. for me, it's not having money and time to myself. but there are so many things i do have. i need to be grateful like Leah was...take what i have and work with it. because there are so many people that don't have it.

so i thank God for taking me to that story of Rachel and Leah...because i see that i do have alot and it could be worse.

i won't complain. and i feel like a heel for complaining as much as i did. my children, God, my extended family--really didn't deserve it. and i apologize to them.

and as a sidenote--check out this link:

http://www.slaveshiptrouvadore.com/

this is an amazing story. i am big on history and culture in my older age--especially multicultural relationships, slavery and spanish culture. so this is right up my alley. how amazing a find they have...and what a story. enjoy!

girl scouts are back in town!

well, my daughter's girl scout troop is back in session, and they've started the season off right with a girl scout magazine and a go greener sale. a go greener sale is when they sell products that promote earth friendly thinking and behaviors, such as t-shirts with cute little says and mugs and natural snacks such as nuts and trail mixes and natural chocolates. i told my daughter that this year i wasn't going to sell things for her, but instead she was going to have to put in the legwork and start asking around school to see if anyone wants to purchase any items. i'll also do my part and ask her grandmothers to do their parts, but she's gonna have to help too!

with that being said, anyone want to purchase a magazine subscription or a go greener t-shirt?! :D

penny pinching even more.

man oh man. i haven't done my coupons in WEEKS! i need to really get on the ball with that--money around here is getting SO super tight that i need to be able to save somehow...so it's back to couponing for me.

the only thing is--the coupons are often for namebrand only items and i buy alot of storebrand items because they are just as good--if not better--than the same items with the namebrand.

so now i'll be spending even more time in the store trying to see if the namebrand with the coupon is cheaper than the storebrand without the coupon.

as if i'm not already busy enough! geesh! eek. but time is money and i need all the money i can get...so i have to do what i have to do for us to be ok until hubby comes home. then it will be alot easier on me (once he gets into the swing of things). until then, it's God and me holding everyone together lol (but the girls and hubby are doing their share too--i gotta give them their credit! they are keeping me going with their love and kisses hehe).

looking for fleas.

^Baby during one of her better moments. the cotton rag around her neck was to protect it from the elements and the collar...it was red and raw from mange, and during that time i was exercising her more often to get rid of 15 lbs of excess puppy weight!

about three years ago as i was driving to go to the store i red nosed pit bull tied to a gate, bloody, cold and hungry. it just so happened that the gate was across the street from my front door. as i drove past, i noticed the dog looked like it was waiting--patiently--for someone to come get it. figuring it must have an owner, i kept driving, but a nagging in the back of my mind prompted me to say to myself, "if it's not gone by the time i come back, i'll have to untie it."

well as it happens to be, because God seems to want me as keeper of all things needing TLC, when i got back from the store, the dog was still there, patiently waiting. i pulled over, and 6 months pregnant and wobbling...i cautiously approached the dog, noticing that it was a she and her bloodiness was not only worse than i thought, but her attitude was better than i expected. she eagerly wagged her tail at me and tried to trot on over to me, but the rope tied around her neck prevented her from taking more than a few steps.

when i realized not only was she not going to bite me, but that she appeared grateful to have me there--it dawned on me that her owner was NOT coming back for her. so i took off my gloves (it was about 11 degrees outside) and i tried to untie the knot--but it was done tight. so after at least 5 minutes of trying, i realized i couldn't get the knot undone and it was cold and i was feeling every inch of the weather. a passerby saw me struggling and she offered to help me--and for the next 10 minutes, we both struggled in the freezing cold to untie the dog.

finally we got it undone and we reviewed her injuries. to me they looked horrible, but that probably was because i was pregnant and especially sensitive to anything that looked uncomfortable. the woman asked me if i was going to try to help the dog, because she would if she could but she had no where to take her. i told her i'd take her in my house.

that was the beginning of my and the girls relationship with Baby--a red nosed badly bred but heart of gold pit bull.

now, three years later, Baby's mange, which was the cause of her distress and more than likely her owners disposal of her--is not any better. it has it's up and down (mostly down) moments and i noticed that now, she's not as positively effected by medications that she's taking for it. it's bad enough that my already badly strained pockets can't afford another bill, but what makes it worse is that i can't afford her already marked down medications (the vet marked the prices down from 130.00 a shot 2 times a month to 50.00 a dose once a day--30 day supply for me--and that is CHEAP). so i am struggling with her, badly. i wish i had a constant supply of the medicine, but because her mange (which is demodex) is so bad, he's afraid that it will be a lifetime illness, meaning a lifetime of medication.

that has me stressed.

last summer was one of Baby's better moments--she actually had about 17 fleas that nested on her. now while most pet owners despise the little nasty buggers that sap the life and blood from animals worldwide, for Baby, the presence of fleas was a great thing! she was so sick and so bad off that neither fleas nor ticks would come close to her...it was a mixture of the medication and the sickness and the stinch probably...but last summer 17 very brave little fleas decided that they would land on her and suck her blood. this summer, not a single flea is in sight...letting me know that they just don't find her appealing. letting me know that she's having a bad turn of events.

i'm still struggling with her illness--it's very bad. but it has humbled her and made her into one of the most loyal and loving dogs i have ever seen. she has a heart of gold and she smiles at the camera for pictures, despite being in pain. her vet said, "she's more even tempered than even the best pits i've seen. to be in so much pain and not so much as growl--wow what a dog!"

at one time i tried to put her down, but i couldn't bring it in my heart to do it. that was two years ago, and i still haven't done it, because of how much the kids love her, how much i love her, how much it would break us up inside to put her to sleep.

i've been through so much with this dog, i've had to pray over and for her because sometimes she gets so sick she'll stop eating and peeing...and then i feel guilty for even keeping her alive. but even if i wanted to--i can't afford the cost of putting her down. and i don't know if i could ever do that. so right now, yes i am being stingy and selfish in keeping her alive...but it's my only option as far as i can see.

she just had a bath and she's feeling much better. her skin isn't doing too good and we have no medication. when she dries completely i'll take her for a short stroll (she gets exhausted super easily and i don't like to add any extra stress on her), and i'll try to scrape her up a bone for her good attitude.

but unfortunately, there are no fleas this summer.

partying with chuck e. cheese!

it's been about 5 years since i've gone to chuck e. cheese with the kids--and today we went to celebrate the oldest baby's birthday. my ex'es daughters and their families, the oldest's two friends (brother and sister), my cousin and her son, and my sister and her son were all there. we had the best time ever.

the best part about the day (besides the fact that my baby had fun) was that my family made it there with me despite the weather being HORRIBLE (and i mean it's bad outside). and my kids (all of them hehe) were there with their own families--which made it even better. we had so much fun, and i have alot of pictures. we even got the sketches from chuck e. cheese for a token each--we have like 20 of them!

overall it was a beautiful day. despite the weather being so super crummy, we had fun. i'm happy we went. i got to spend time with my family altogether and it was perfect with just us.

mission: complete.

well, today the kids wound up waking up before 11:30, so we went on to the science center. it was super nice and we spent 4.5 hours there, taking it all in. since our passes are free for the entire summer, we'll be going back there again next week, probably tuesdayish or so. they really enjoyed themselves, and imagine the baby's surprise when she saw a fish bigger than her staring her straight in the face! she jumped up and ran to his tank and slapped on it, so excited she could hardly contain herself! the fish, on the other hand, seemed only mildly interested in her, and lazily scooted to the other side of his tank.

off to bed now, tomorrow is the 4th and we have a pool party/crab fest to attend! yay! i'm gonna get good sleep now hehe :)

what you miss out on when you don't get good sleep.

well, the kids and i were supposed to head on out to the science center today, but uh...well...they're still sleeping! and because i wanted to catch up on my home-based business idea...i am sort of wanting them to stay sleeping. i told them that if they weren't in the bed by a certain time last night, and didn't wake up early, that i was NOT waking them up. well instead of going to bed, they wanted to play alllllllll night long until i had to MAKE them go to bed...hence it being a quarter to eleven and they are still KNOCKED out!

well i am going to dry some laundry, and if they wake up before twelve thirty, we'll slide in 4 hours of science center experience. if not...we can always go on monday, because tomorrow is one of my very favorite holidays--the fourth of july! yay!

the best thing about this trip is that it's free! we get free passes for the entire summer from the science center, so admission for up to twelve of us is free everyday except for special events. we WILL be making good use of these passes--frugal momming at her best!