just when things started going good.

just when ya think things are starting to go good, as a matter of fact, when they are going good, satan has a way to just come on in and try to spoil the fun.

my van has been sitting for about three months waiting to be fixed. what i thought was a brake problem was actually just brake pads needing to be replaced *ok so i won't win mechanic of the year anytime soon*, and the problem wound up costing me only 200.00 to fix *he did some other needed work on the rotors and the nuts, etc.*. well because i had been in a crunch CRUNCH CRUNCH! i actually asked the kid's aunt to fix the van for me, and in return, because she's an otherwise great driver *other than the little mishap pictured above*, she could borrow my van on the weekends. big mistake.

so we decide on the deal and make it, she will perform the maintenance on my vehicle and pay half of the insurance premium, and on weekends the van is hers. my van is a very low maintenance vehicle despite it's age, so she happily agreed.

two days after fixing the van *when the weekend rolls in*, she uses the van to go out friday night. saturday morning, my van is brought back to me smoking and cranking loudly, smashed in the front. she had what she calls a fender bender, she had what i call a car accident. now i don't have full coverage to get insurance to fix these damages.

now, she got into a bit of legal trouble in the city that she had the accident in, and actually got arrested. her friend *bless his soul* was sweet enough to hold onto my van until the morning, and then bring it back. besides being ugly as all get out, my radiator is ruined, so all of that needs to be fixed before it's drivable.

what makes this so bad is that my baby started 3 year old school, and has an aversion to the school bus so i cancelled it, knowing i got my van back. she already isn't adjusting well to school at all and has told me repeatedly that she does not like school. so in an attempt to help her adjust, i cancelled the school bus pick up and was bringing her to school myself *which actually is not helping like i thought it would, it's not helping at all*. i know her teachers are treating her well, she just does NOT like school. i am contemplating removing her from school and giving this another go when she turns 4.

i wouldn't have any problem waiting around for my van to be fixed, however my baby has no way to school right now. i'll take her out of school totally before i put her back on that bus, she does NOT like this school bus and putting her back on it is not an option. not only that, but i miss my van and it sure is a heck of a lot easier getting around with my own transportation versus depending on everyone else.

to make matters worse, their cousin offered to help fix the van on her mom's behalf, considering that the mother went into the agreement with me partially to help her daughter get items for her household, but since bringing me back my van, she's avoided me like the plague. she said that she'd definitely help pay for the damages *which actually come to less than 700.00* for her mom, because she was utilizing the van too. since she's not actually helping me out any right now, i am not sure what to think of this situation. it's bad all around, and it's crazy because things were just getting better for the girls and i at home. and now this.

i learned a few lessons from this situation. first and most obvious, never let anyone else borrow my van. second, never make an agreement for things and depend on other people to keep their part of the agreement. and third, never borrow anything from anyone that i can't afford to replace should it get damaged while under my care.

i am actually contemplating taking her to court over this if she's not able to fork over at least 300.00. to actually get the entire part of my car that was damaged fixed is easily 2,000.00. but i was going to just get the hood and radiator replaced at 500.00 and allow her to replace the rest as she came across the money. however, when my daughter's aunt gets out of jail i'm not sure what her funds will look like. since she actually paid the 200.00 for the brakes for me, i thought i'd keep that money and instead of paying her back use it towards the van, thus leaving me only 300.00 short of the rest of the money needed to get my van back on the road. not only that, but my insurance premium is due and that's 200.00. so technically if i take 300.00 of money in my very tight budget to fix my car, i can't drive it anyway because it will be 200.00 of the insurance money that i'm using to fix the car, hence i won't have insurance coverage. so right now i'm stuck either way.

and today i got reprimanded for getting my daughter to school an hour late, since i am now depending on my sister to get us there. and quite frankly, she gets us there when she gets us there and not a minute sooner. and today it was an hour later. not acceptable.

so i am feeling the crunch *once again* from every area. i don't know if i want to keep my daughter in this school. it's beautiful and i know they are treating her nicely, but she is not a happy camper. the stress of having my van out of commission due to a car accident that wasn't my own fault actually stressed me out to the point where i got a cold, and that's not good or worth it. we are back to walking and the weather isn't getting any warmer. and all of this after God came through for me and paid my rent and all my bills even though i have 0.00 in income currently. i am not losing faith in God, but i suppose i'm losing faith in this current situation. i definitely see the benefits of the situation--my car could have been towed or damaged WAY worse than it was, i learned my lessons from the situation and the girls' aunt was NOT seriously injured. so i definitely am not complaining that this is SOOOOO bad. it's just that it put a damper in my plans, my mood and my spirit. i'm a bit frazzled out from this and it's happening JUST when things started going good.

which is the very worst part of all.

my locs thus far.

here are my locs thus far. they are about 1.5 years old now, and i dyed them red this summer but it's cooled off to a soft brownish color. my roots are dark brown and because i don't want to dye my hair anymore, i'm letting them just grow out. yes it looks a mess when i don't twist my hair but i try my best to keep it twisted now lol. at least until the dark brown grows out a few more inches!

when i took these pictures i was blow drying my hair and clipping it *as seen in picture two*. now it's starting to become a hassle to twist my hair because it's getting longer and heavier, but i work my way through it faithfully. my hair is finally reaching the nape of my neck and i love it lol, that's my proof that it's actually growing and not just sitting there doing nothing. :p

on the left side of the last picture that whitish ball in my hair is actually a sterling toe ring that i twisted into my hair. one of the reasons i don't want to color my hair again is because of the discoloration that happens to the jewelry in my hair. my dogwood flower is stained a dark gray color and it hasn't turned back to silver yet :(

i almost can pull my hair into a ponytail at the nape of my neck! hopefully by the time hubby comes home they'll be at least another 4-5 inches long. wishful thinking i know but anything is possible!

clothes, clothes, clothes.

as winter is rolling in, i've decided to stock up as much as possible on good clothing for my family. now usually, because i live in the middle of the New York metropolis area, this is extremely easy. but because of lack of funds and the fact that i do not like TOO much of anything in my house *including clothing*, this is proving to be a bit of a challenge this year.

so far i've racked up on 20.00 worth of nice jeans and pants for the oldest daughter, who out of everyone, needed clothing the most. i don't have any shirts for her as of yet because it's hard to find clothes for a 10 year old who is taller than i am without them being too *grown*. i am still working on her items, but i'm pretty sure she's going to have a ton of long sleeved simple shirts from old navy and plenty of sweaters.

i also was able to get off freecycle a bag of miscellaneous clothes for myself, which came in handy because i needed a pick me up and a splash of something new in my life. it's mainly shirts and some good sweats for this winter. i am sure i'll use them all because i can tell already that it is going to be COLD this winter. my kittens and cats are growing fur around them like a lion's mane, and my mom's dogs have BUSHELS of fur this year it seems. the weather is very funky already and some nights i've woken up to turn up the heat because i was shivering. so best to prepare now.

i was concerned about the baby's clothing because while she has lots of it, i'm always worried about how much clothing she has. lol. i guess it's a mama syndrome...i'm always worried about the smallest being warmest. so i am on the lookout for some good winter clothing for her...freecycle is always a blessing in regards to baby clothing as it seems bags are given away every week these days.

the middle baby is probably the best prepared clothing wise. today i was able to pick her up a cute little knitted sweater for 3.00--a gift from my mom. i also picked up a cutsie little blue cable knit old navy sweater for the smallest baby from the thrift store today for 3.00, so those will get them through the coldest of days.

for some odd reason i am just determined to get plenty of warm clothing this year. i have to snuff out gloves and scarves and hats--you can NEVER have enough of those with a household full of growing and rowdy children. they always seem to lose one of these or one of those going to and from school. last year i had over 8 sets of gloves and hats and scarves, this year i scraped together some mismatched pieces for the coldest of weather thus far because there were 10o excuses per minute why no on one had matching sets... *sigh*

ah well, kids! whachagonnado?

for myself this winter i am a scarf hoarder the way some women are shoe hoarders--so imagine my arsenal of scarves! i LOVE it because scarves are easy and cheap to come across--i usually pay 99 cents each for them from the thrift stores i frequent, and people are always dropping scarves in the streets or giving them to me out of the desire not to be bothered with them anymore *insert devilish laugh here* so i always wind up with at least 5 new scarves every winter, usually more. :P i've always been of the belief that a pretty scarf is almost as nice and effective as nice shoes. this is why in the summer i keep my locs wrapped in scarves and in the winter i keep them around my neck! you can never have too many scarves.

well, i have to go home and sort through this bag of clothing i just got today, and hopefully everything will fit the oldest girl properly. pray for her *and me* that they do!

of things related and unrelated - 10/20/09

i realized today that the couple across the street from my mom is one of my idol marriage couples. they have been together well over 30 years, they have one son who speaks 4 languages, and they truly love each other. i am sure they have problems because my mom and i witnessed one such time, but they worked through it wonderfully and looking at them today you'd have to wonder if they have any problems at all! she is a secretary i believe (or she may not work anymore) and he is actually my mechanic. they live a simple but really close knit and content life, the kind of life i am building with my own husband and children. they truly look good together and i was surprised to learn that both of them were nearing 50. mainly because she looks to be in her mid 30's and he looks about 40 at the MOST, and that's pushing it. geesh, i wonder why i never noticed how much i respected and admired them before?

i brought home two new foster kittens! welcome to juicy and pippin! they are each about 5 weeks old, juicy is solid black and very playful while pippin is a brown tabby with a fat lions face and a laziness to him that's adorable.

i need to get back to cutting coupons asap, especially since work has dwindled down to nothing and my last bit of unemployment bennies were used two weeks ago.

i have been trying to quell a growing migraine for the past two days, but it's increasing in intensity. today was a stressful day of waiting around and that just aggravated the condition. i am going to take some advil tonight and really hope that i can get a hold of it.

i am totally in love with ricola's lemon herb and original herbal cough drops. wow. i ate almost an entire package yesterday and fell asleep flat on my back. i am sure the herbal mixes had something to do with it, because i slept like a brick.

flea season is still outrageous, despite the sudden drop in temperatures. usually 30 and under degrees keeps them under control, but lately big ole bugged out looking fleas have been popping up here and there on the cats.

mosquitoes are still buzzing in my mom's backyard too at the rate of 1 million per square inch. what's up with that?

i have finally given in and decided to find a school for the baby to attend. however i haven't found one i liked yet so for now, my baby is still at home.

i am getting the baby itches. yesterday i went to kmart and accidentally happened upon the baby aisle and my eyes got wide and misty. awww.

not. i am NOT ready for another child....yet.

freecycle is going great. i just picked up 3 bags of clothes that were unneeded any longer and most are in great condition for my nephew and myself. i wasn't able to get the kids anything they could really use out of the bags. maybe next time!

i have been considering trying my hand at guppy breeding again. i did it briefly during the summer with poor results, but i am positive that's because the stock i started with wasn't quality grade. i got them from a pet shop and while they were pretty, they had some visible flaws and i am sure they weren't as strong as breeder couples should be.

i want to get whitney houston's newest cd and all of mary j. blige's cd's. i have been after them for quite some time now.

i am preparing for a breakthrough. i can feel it. i have no other choice but to go UP from here. my situation right now is very difficult financially and i am going against my human nature to worry. it's not so easy, but i keep telling myself what the Bible says. and it's working. i am feeling up and down, but more up than down.

i never realized how old the old school cartoons (scooby doo, tom and jerry, bugs bunny, etc.) looked until today while watching some oldies with the girls.

what am i going to feed my family for dinner? i can't wait until hubs is home to cook for us!!!

finding my divine purpose.

i had a conversation with hubby last night in which i asked him to pray for me to find my divine purpose on this earth. lately i have been hearing the word preached and taught and spoken about on this subject. and for about a year now, i have been asking God to reveal to me what my divine purpose is--what is it that He wishes me to do to advance His Kingdom.

while i believe i am there, i am now feeling pretty stumped about how to go about it. i know that it is in the realm of women, health, self-improvement...that area...but i am not sure exactly what it is i should be doing, it doesn't seem to be gelling together.

or maybe it is and i'm blind to it? i've started my own business, and it's on spiritual hold, and i believe it's a part of my divine gift...and i am starting a women's group as well. it all feels so right but it looks so wrong.

so i asked my hubby to please pray for me, that i hear His voice concerning this matter and that i make no mistake about it.

it seems that it's so easy for some people to find their purpose and they just "do" it. in the Bible there are the stories of Tabitha and Rahab, and Ruth and Hannah and all of the other women who just seemed to "do it". i know it wasn't that easy for them, but it just seems that way. i don't want to compare or complain so i won't...

for now, i said maybe i could gift away my great abigail sea salt sachets to those who could really use a break. i have enough for about 10 bags or so, they don't have to be fancied up, but just bagged in a brown paper bag and handed out to those who need them *and who doesn't?! lol*. they are the perfect end to a crazy day, and i love the way they smell. by far they are my favorite sachets and i love Abigail's story *which can be found in 1 Samuel 25*.

maybe this isn't the right approach, but i feel like i'm not giving enough, my divine purpose is being sorted out, and it's making me crazy! i never thought i'd say that, "i feel like i'm not giving enough", but most certainly, it is how i feel. :(

maybe i'll feel better about this once my volunteer opportunity starts up, which should be within the next 2 weeks or so.

i hope i get my purpose down pat soon. *sigh*

what say you?

ok, since i'm at a computer quickly i HAVE to post this and i am asking anyone who reads this to please give feedback, especially if they are Christian OR have a loved one in prison.

my initial purpose of this blog was to relieve tension and stress about my life as a wife to an inmate and a mother to 3 active children. it was also to show others the ups and downs of prisonlife and parenthood. as it's grown though, it's become a conglomerate of the above and also a blog about my life in general, including frugality, my personal growth and some key points of who i am *a lover of animals, pro-life, etc.*. i will admit, because i am somewhat anonymous here, i feel comfortable enough to speak my heart on many things, and it's a huge relief to just let it all out when it seems like i can't speak to any other people about something in particular that i am going through. this is especially helpful when i can't speak to my hubby because of phone, letter or visit restrictions too. and even then, there are alot of things that i haven't let it *although i sure do wish i could lol*, because i feel like they are private just between he and i and/or our family.

now, i was told by a fellow Christian here that my blog is sinful in that i am revealing too much about my marriage, not being very Proverbian at all in my wifeliness. aside from one set of posts that revealed a series of problems we were going through *and actually worked through*, i don't find any posts especially *sinful*. but because i'm intrigued and definitely need to know if i'm sinning *so i can fix it because what we do not know isn't held against us but what we do know is*, i would like to know what others think about this accusation, in light of what they have read here thus far and even moreso if my blog is sinful in any way.

but please note, i made an exception for my blogposts from 2008, when i was a very different person than i am now *still a Christian but not as studious in the faith as i am now. this blog was even under another name then, it was not a Proverbs wife's life*. i did make mention to said Christian that what i have posted in my earlier writings on this blog *from the summer of 2008 mainly* are older postings of an older me and are not indicative of who i am now. these postings are not often and although they are secular in nature, still aren't extremely explicit or straight out crazy. but i kept these postings as a true confession of my growth as a Christian and a person. i feel that if i edit this diary of mine it won't be accurate of who i was and who i am. i am not ashamed of those postings because they are in the past, and in God i am made new. so i don't linger on them, nor do i hide who i *used* to be.

i stated this to said Christian, and i wonder if she deliberately used that information to create a post designed to accuse me of sinning. hmm. i wonder this especially because she immediately directed her comment concerning my various postings in this blog, and i wonder if she would have thought to do that on her own had i not mentioned my older musings first.

so at this point in time, i am not sure if the remark from her was a rebuttal to the comment that i posted to her or if it was given in genuine concern about the fact that i *may* be sinning (and i use that term lightly insofar as her remarks to me are concerned). but i'd like to get some comments on this all.

what do you see when you read this blog? can you see some changes in my demeanor and attitude *alot of people say they can in my regular non-online life* or are there no differences? are my old postings compared to my 2009 postings useful in seeing this change, if any? am i sinning and don't know it? am i ok? is there anything that you as a reader of this blog *and i know there aren't that many but still* think i should know?

what say you?

my favorite Psalm.

here's my very favorite Psalm, written by King David, Psalm 139. the first time i ever heard this Psalm it was read to my church congregation by our previous minister. when she read it to us, it touched my heart in a way that i still can't fully explain. it was God speaking straight to me concerning what i hold most important and closest to me, in the innermost parts of who i am. i really love this song, it's so beautiful and true, i cry when i study it.

anyway, i just thought i'd share it on my blog, since today i was sharing it with someone else. it can be found here along with other Biblical passages.


Psalm 139 (New Living Translation)

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.

2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.

4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.

5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.

11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—

12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!

18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!

20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.

21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.