Wednesday, February 25, 2009


so for the past month i've been dealing with this sickening nausea following me everywhere. every day, all day it's here. i'm wondering if my thyroid has anything to do with it? because it's a constant in my life now. every time i eat, every time i settle down. it's to the point where now i'm ignoring it because there's nothing else i can do.

i have no clue about what it is ha (and no i ain't pregnant because you have to actually have sex to be pregnant and ha...visits don't allow all of that)...but it's really starting to bother me.

i drew blood on monday for testing, no phone call back though yet so maybe it's all normal. i'll call tomorrow to get the results.

something has to give--i can't live like this!

Thursday, February 19, 2009


most people love to link to prominent sites that back up their point of view. but because my point of view is backed up by the entire world wide web almost, there's no need for me to link prominent sites.

i am absolutely sickened(and i do mean sickened) by the status of this world, and people in america. i know it is cliche and i know it's been said a million times before, but i absolutely cannot stand...what i see going on these days. even what is said is vile and disheartening. what comes out of the mouth is overflow of the heart, and it's so true.

the way people say they wish nadya suleman's children would die, or be taken by child protective services (which is a horrendous, ignorant fate to wish on anyone because that "service" is nothing but an injustice to children and parents everywhere), or the way people back up the ny post's cartoon depicting barack obama as a dead chimpanzee, or the way people attack each other so openly on message boards is nothing short of amazing. i read some of this stuff and i'm appalled that these people walk, talk and live around me every single day of the week. it's scary to know that some of the shit (i had to let it out because that's what it is) i come across on the www is penned and defended by the people that make up my country--a place where my children will have to grow. i mean, i look around and say no wonder people are shooting each other in the face over street wars, parents are starving their children to death, men are beheading their wives and each other, women are setting each other on fire, the list goes on.

i won't link anything, but if no one believes me, i guess i don't mind going back to do the legwork. but just google anything i wrote above, and you're guaranteed to find 1,000,000 search results at least.

it's a shame because even my oldest daughter is getting to the point where she doesn't want to go outside, she'd rather stay in the house than to go outside and walk our dog. my children's school is right across the street and i am nervous about letting them walk to school alone. and it doesn't matter where i live or how old they are. i can live in the most crowded urban ghetto or the quietest rural area where there's no other neighbor for 20 miles. it doesn't matter. i am nervous for my children.

because what i see online is what they have to look forward to. and of course there's always the argument, "well it's just online." it's been proven that people online tend to be more honest and more open with how they truly feel because they are anonymous. and that's scary, because this garbage is what's in their heart.

i can't imagine what i'd do if i found out my neighbor is one of the ones that wished death on a child or a person that secretly admitted to torturing puppies for fun as an adult. or my old boss (whom i love), or a family member. or the man that owns the grocery down the block.

i guess there are good reasons for being anonymous--some things are better left unknown. but even that is a double edged sword because then you never truly know who surrounds you.

you can't make this stuff up. i don't see how anyone can actually go on in this world without some sort of cover or shield. i pray regularly, and it's only by the grace of God that i have gotten this far. this world is a disgusting dangerous landmine and it's only because of the goodness, faith and determination of the good few that the not so good many are even allowed to thrive. because if it weren't for people with good hearts, those with rotten cores would just devour themselves and each other in a cesspool of hatred and ignorance.

it's only because of those few beautiful hearts who are powered by many different forces that the world is still a good place.

it's only going to get worse. if you don't have a protected way to navigate the world now, you'd better get one. mark my words. i don't want to say God because some will become irate at that statement and lose their brain cells at an even faster rate that they currently are (and i'm not into encouraging anyone's demise), so i will leave it up to anyone who reads this post to decide what it means for them.

now i know this may seem like a hypocrisy coming from a woman with a husband in prison. i have an avid faith in the belief that my husband is a good person who is fighting a bad understanding of the world. i am not going to sit around and justify or defend (partly because i wasn't asked to, partly because i would never defend my love to at least 99% of the people in this world because it would make me look like a fool) our love or our family makeup and composition, but rest assured that regardless of my personal doings, i stand by what i say. because i am a good person with a good heart, and i what i speak is true.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

my idol marriages.

throughout my adult life, i've collected stories of the marriages of the couples around me, and picked what i deemed to be the three healthiest of them all. then i made a sort of "marriage collage" of these couples, and i listened to their stories and experiences and studied what i heard to come up with my own solutions for a successful marriage.

i've come to term these marriages in my life "my idol marriages". they aren't perfect marriages by far, and the people in them aren't perfect, but they are what i call perfectly imperfect.

they are really the epitomes of what i want my own marriage to be like.

the three couples that make up my list are:

donald and judith. these two composed an irish american couple who were married for over fifty years. they got married when don was i believe 22, 23ish and judy 18. judy was a coworker at my last job. i loved the stories she told me about their marriage. and whenever don could hear the love behind the teases he had for us about judy. they have four children and judy really loved him so much. last year at this time, don died of brain cancer...he was in his 70's. judy hasn't been the same without him, but she still smiles when she speaks about him.

christina and michael. these two are african american couple who've been married i believe 28 years? they have two grown sons and what stuck out to me the most about the beauty of their marriage was the sense of togetherness between them. christina always told me how she and mike love to party together, and how she never gets into the bed without him. for me, that's a big one, because i don't understand marriages where the husband isn't home when it's bedtime, yet he's not at work. for me--that doesn't fly. but you can see the love these two have for each other, and they have a beautiful home. she told me about some problems they had, but that their solution always was to just take it one day at a time. to not jump to conclusions, and if they didn't know what to do, they didn't do anything at all until they did know what to do. they are still young and in love too...and that's what i love.

mance and martha. these two were my very beloved grandparents. my grandmother outlived my grandfather by over 25 years; he died from lung cancer in the 70's. my grandmother would show us family pictures, and there was grandfather, always hugging her close to his hip. they had 6 children and my mother is the youngest. my mother always recalls her father being very loving but strict with them, meaning when they did something wrong it didn't go unpunished. and she said grandma was even worse than grandpa, but that was because the times were so hard for them that there was very little room for mistakes and errors of any sort, because they could be costly. i know it sounds cheesy, but i can still see the love in their eyes in the pictures they took. my grandfather was very broody but he loved his wife. and she loved her husband. they were married for about fifty years--and they got married when my grandmother was 13, and she had their first son at 14--and he was a whopping 12 pound baby!

well today, i had to add a fourth couple to "my idol marriages", because i am so in love with how they love each other that i want to be the biggest copycat ever.

mr. and mrs. president have my heart in total rapture for them. they are absolute poetry in motion and they make me want to cry sometime. i can see the whole meaning of marriage in those two--everything. from the spiritual to the physical is there with them. i can see God in their marriage, i can see healthy physical, mental and emotional love. their children lack for nothing in the way of parents. they are all blessed, and i am blessed just to even be able to watch them!

so i put together my favorite pictures of them all. i wish i could really have a book of all my favorite marriage, but mentally will have to go...because i can't really get in touch with judy anymore, my grandparents are dead and pictures of them are scarce. christina probably would give up a picture of her family--i will ask.

but here are my favorite pictures of my fourth idol marriage. i love them so much, i wish them all the peace and blessings in the world, and i am keeping my eye on them!