my fishtank.

i got my latest and probably most beautiful treasure on freecycle about a month ago, and let me say. it was well worth every single ounce of strain i put in to move it. my fishtank holds only 40 gallons, but let me say, the picture which i'm going to add does it no justice. i got it from a sweet family who's son i went to high school with *of course i didn't know this until i actually got to the house and noticed their son in a picture*, and nearly couldn't believe they were giving it away!

God has a way of answering our prayers in the funniest of ways. i saw the offer on freecyle maybe about 3-4 minutes after it was posted, and immediately responded that i'd love the tank. unfortunately by the time i responded, he emailed me to let me know there were at least 10 people in front of me who responded first to his email! but instead of fretting i said, "well if God wills me to have this tank, which i REALLY WANT, it'll happen, even if there were 100 people in front of me!"

well about two weeks later, he emailed me saying, "hey the tank is available if you'd like it still. no one showed up to pick it up!" and of course i said YES YES YES i wanted it! but i had no ride to pick it up and he assured me it wouldn't fit in the back of a car.

fine. he was very patient with me and gave me two weeks to pick up the tank! now usually on freecycle people want to get rid of their unwanted items asap and they just move down the list and make it basically a first come first serve deal.

well...he told me he'd wait for me to find a ride. and he kept his promise. two weeks passed though and i still had *no* ride to pick up the tank. so i sucked it up, said a prayer and headed out to his house with my sister's car.

lo and behold, after a bit of maneuvering, the tank and all the accessories fit perfectly in the car without an ounce of space left! and i mean i was SO happy...I GOT MY FISHTANK! one that i have been wanting basically for about FIVE YEARS! it came so unexpectedly and was totally free, God is good!

the tank has basically no scratches and came already set up and ready to go, he even threw in two fish to get me started *both of which fell down a flight of steps and were picked up off the concrete but made it*. in the picture i'll add you can't see the fish, but they're in there. there are also a colony of small snails living in the tank, and since i'm an avid snail lover they can stay.

i am just so happy i got my tank--it fits my television stand perfectly too because the wood and cut is the same! almost looks like a set.

yes i am sooo siked up. i love my freecycle to pieces...whooowee! God has blessed me abundantly through freecycle. and He assures me that if i take care of what i get, He'll entrust me to even more. so of course i am taking care of this sucker.

the sweetest thing was, the man who gave it to me sent me a small email saying that he prayed i'd get much enjoyment and use out of it. he doesn't know just how appreciative i am of that tank. it relaxes me, i can watch my two little fish for hours without tiring of them. the lighting is beautiful and it's just so serene inside of the tank. *sigh*

thank God for small blessings.

just when things started going good.

just when ya think things are starting to go good, as a matter of fact, when they are going good, satan has a way to just come on in and try to spoil the fun.

my van has been sitting for about three months waiting to be fixed. what i thought was a brake problem was actually just brake pads needing to be replaced *ok so i won't win mechanic of the year anytime soon*, and the problem wound up costing me only 200.00 to fix *he did some other needed work on the rotors and the nuts, etc.*. well because i had been in a crunch CRUNCH CRUNCH! i actually asked the kid's aunt to fix the van for me, and in return, because she's an otherwise great driver *other than the little mishap pictured above*, she could borrow my van on the weekends. big mistake.

so we decide on the deal and make it, she will perform the maintenance on my vehicle and pay half of the insurance premium, and on weekends the van is hers. my van is a very low maintenance vehicle despite it's age, so she happily agreed.

two days after fixing the van *when the weekend rolls in*, she uses the van to go out friday night. saturday morning, my van is brought back to me smoking and cranking loudly, smashed in the front. she had what she calls a fender bender, she had what i call a car accident. now i don't have full coverage to get insurance to fix these damages.

now, she got into a bit of legal trouble in the city that she had the accident in, and actually got arrested. her friend *bless his soul* was sweet enough to hold onto my van until the morning, and then bring it back. besides being ugly as all get out, my radiator is ruined, so all of that needs to be fixed before it's drivable.

what makes this so bad is that my baby started 3 year old school, and has an aversion to the school bus so i cancelled it, knowing i got my van back. she already isn't adjusting well to school at all and has told me repeatedly that she does not like school. so in an attempt to help her adjust, i cancelled the school bus pick up and was bringing her to school myself *which actually is not helping like i thought it would, it's not helping at all*. i know her teachers are treating her well, she just does NOT like school. i am contemplating removing her from school and giving this another go when she turns 4.

i wouldn't have any problem waiting around for my van to be fixed, however my baby has no way to school right now. i'll take her out of school totally before i put her back on that bus, she does NOT like this school bus and putting her back on it is not an option. not only that, but i miss my van and it sure is a heck of a lot easier getting around with my own transportation versus depending on everyone else.

to make matters worse, their cousin offered to help fix the van on her mom's behalf, considering that the mother went into the agreement with me partially to help her daughter get items for her household, but since bringing me back my van, she's avoided me like the plague. she said that she'd definitely help pay for the damages *which actually come to less than 700.00* for her mom, because she was utilizing the van too. since she's not actually helping me out any right now, i am not sure what to think of this situation. it's bad all around, and it's crazy because things were just getting better for the girls and i at home. and now this.

i learned a few lessons from this situation. first and most obvious, never let anyone else borrow my van. second, never make an agreement for things and depend on other people to keep their part of the agreement. and third, never borrow anything from anyone that i can't afford to replace should it get damaged while under my care.

i am actually contemplating taking her to court over this if she's not able to fork over at least 300.00. to actually get the entire part of my car that was damaged fixed is easily 2,000.00. but i was going to just get the hood and radiator replaced at 500.00 and allow her to replace the rest as she came across the money. however, when my daughter's aunt gets out of jail i'm not sure what her funds will look like. since she actually paid the 200.00 for the brakes for me, i thought i'd keep that money and instead of paying her back use it towards the van, thus leaving me only 300.00 short of the rest of the money needed to get my van back on the road. not only that, but my insurance premium is due and that's 200.00. so technically if i take 300.00 of money in my very tight budget to fix my car, i can't drive it anyway because it will be 200.00 of the insurance money that i'm using to fix the car, hence i won't have insurance coverage. so right now i'm stuck either way.

and today i got reprimanded for getting my daughter to school an hour late, since i am now depending on my sister to get us there. and quite frankly, she gets us there when she gets us there and not a minute sooner. and today it was an hour later. not acceptable.

so i am feeling the crunch *once again* from every area. i don't know if i want to keep my daughter in this school. it's beautiful and i know they are treating her nicely, but she is not a happy camper. the stress of having my van out of commission due to a car accident that wasn't my own fault actually stressed me out to the point where i got a cold, and that's not good or worth it. we are back to walking and the weather isn't getting any warmer. and all of this after God came through for me and paid my rent and all my bills even though i have 0.00 in income currently. i am not losing faith in God, but i suppose i'm losing faith in this current situation. i definitely see the benefits of the situation--my car could have been towed or damaged WAY worse than it was, i learned my lessons from the situation and the girls' aunt was NOT seriously injured. so i definitely am not complaining that this is SOOOOO bad. it's just that it put a damper in my plans, my mood and my spirit. i'm a bit frazzled out from this and it's happening JUST when things started going good.

which is the very worst part of all.

my locs thus far.

here are my locs thus far. they are about 1.5 years old now, and i dyed them red this summer but it's cooled off to a soft brownish color. my roots are dark brown and because i don't want to dye my hair anymore, i'm letting them just grow out. yes it looks a mess when i don't twist my hair but i try my best to keep it twisted now lol. at least until the dark brown grows out a few more inches!

when i took these pictures i was blow drying my hair and clipping it *as seen in picture two*. now it's starting to become a hassle to twist my hair because it's getting longer and heavier, but i work my way through it faithfully. my hair is finally reaching the nape of my neck and i love it lol, that's my proof that it's actually growing and not just sitting there doing nothing. :p

on the left side of the last picture that whitish ball in my hair is actually a sterling toe ring that i twisted into my hair. one of the reasons i don't want to color my hair again is because of the discoloration that happens to the jewelry in my hair. my dogwood flower is stained a dark gray color and it hasn't turned back to silver yet :(

i almost can pull my hair into a ponytail at the nape of my neck! hopefully by the time hubby comes home they'll be at least another 4-5 inches long. wishful thinking i know but anything is possible!

clothes, clothes, clothes.

as winter is rolling in, i've decided to stock up as much as possible on good clothing for my family. now usually, because i live in the middle of the New York metropolis area, this is extremely easy. but because of lack of funds and the fact that i do not like TOO much of anything in my house *including clothing*, this is proving to be a bit of a challenge this year.

so far i've racked up on 20.00 worth of nice jeans and pants for the oldest daughter, who out of everyone, needed clothing the most. i don't have any shirts for her as of yet because it's hard to find clothes for a 10 year old who is taller than i am without them being too *grown*. i am still working on her items, but i'm pretty sure she's going to have a ton of long sleeved simple shirts from old navy and plenty of sweaters.

i also was able to get off freecycle a bag of miscellaneous clothes for myself, which came in handy because i needed a pick me up and a splash of something new in my life. it's mainly shirts and some good sweats for this winter. i am sure i'll use them all because i can tell already that it is going to be COLD this winter. my kittens and cats are growing fur around them like a lion's mane, and my mom's dogs have BUSHELS of fur this year it seems. the weather is very funky already and some nights i've woken up to turn up the heat because i was shivering. so best to prepare now.

i was concerned about the baby's clothing because while she has lots of it, i'm always worried about how much clothing she has. lol. i guess it's a mama syndrome...i'm always worried about the smallest being warmest. so i am on the lookout for some good winter clothing for her...freecycle is always a blessing in regards to baby clothing as it seems bags are given away every week these days.

the middle baby is probably the best prepared clothing wise. today i was able to pick her up a cute little knitted sweater for 3.00--a gift from my mom. i also picked up a cutsie little blue cable knit old navy sweater for the smallest baby from the thrift store today for 3.00, so those will get them through the coldest of days.

for some odd reason i am just determined to get plenty of warm clothing this year. i have to snuff out gloves and scarves and hats--you can NEVER have enough of those with a household full of growing and rowdy children. they always seem to lose one of these or one of those going to and from school. last year i had over 8 sets of gloves and hats and scarves, this year i scraped together some mismatched pieces for the coldest of weather thus far because there were 10o excuses per minute why no on one had matching sets... *sigh*

ah well, kids! whachagonnado?

for myself this winter i am a scarf hoarder the way some women are shoe hoarders--so imagine my arsenal of scarves! i LOVE it because scarves are easy and cheap to come across--i usually pay 99 cents each for them from the thrift stores i frequent, and people are always dropping scarves in the streets or giving them to me out of the desire not to be bothered with them anymore *insert devilish laugh here* so i always wind up with at least 5 new scarves every winter, usually more. :P i've always been of the belief that a pretty scarf is almost as nice and effective as nice shoes. this is why in the summer i keep my locs wrapped in scarves and in the winter i keep them around my neck! you can never have too many scarves.

well, i have to go home and sort through this bag of clothing i just got today, and hopefully everything will fit the oldest girl properly. pray for her *and me* that they do!

of things related and unrelated - 10/20/09

i realized today that the couple across the street from my mom is one of my idol marriage couples. they have been together well over 30 years, they have one son who speaks 4 languages, and they truly love each other. i am sure they have problems because my mom and i witnessed one such time, but they worked through it wonderfully and looking at them today you'd have to wonder if they have any problems at all! she is a secretary i believe (or she may not work anymore) and he is actually my mechanic. they live a simple but really close knit and content life, the kind of life i am building with my own husband and children. they truly look good together and i was surprised to learn that both of them were nearing 50. mainly because she looks to be in her mid 30's and he looks about 40 at the MOST, and that's pushing it. geesh, i wonder why i never noticed how much i respected and admired them before?

i brought home two new foster kittens! welcome to juicy and pippin! they are each about 5 weeks old, juicy is solid black and very playful while pippin is a brown tabby with a fat lions face and a laziness to him that's adorable.

i need to get back to cutting coupons asap, especially since work has dwindled down to nothing and my last bit of unemployment bennies were used two weeks ago.

i have been trying to quell a growing migraine for the past two days, but it's increasing in intensity. today was a stressful day of waiting around and that just aggravated the condition. i am going to take some advil tonight and really hope that i can get a hold of it.

i am totally in love with ricola's lemon herb and original herbal cough drops. wow. i ate almost an entire package yesterday and fell asleep flat on my back. i am sure the herbal mixes had something to do with it, because i slept like a brick.

flea season is still outrageous, despite the sudden drop in temperatures. usually 30 and under degrees keeps them under control, but lately big ole bugged out looking fleas have been popping up here and there on the cats.

mosquitoes are still buzzing in my mom's backyard too at the rate of 1 million per square inch. what's up with that?

i have finally given in and decided to find a school for the baby to attend. however i haven't found one i liked yet so for now, my baby is still at home.

i am getting the baby itches. yesterday i went to kmart and accidentally happened upon the baby aisle and my eyes got wide and misty. awww.

not. i am NOT ready for another child....yet.

freecycle is going great. i just picked up 3 bags of clothes that were unneeded any longer and most are in great condition for my nephew and myself. i wasn't able to get the kids anything they could really use out of the bags. maybe next time!

i have been considering trying my hand at guppy breeding again. i did it briefly during the summer with poor results, but i am positive that's because the stock i started with wasn't quality grade. i got them from a pet shop and while they were pretty, they had some visible flaws and i am sure they weren't as strong as breeder couples should be.

i want to get whitney houston's newest cd and all of mary j. blige's cd's. i have been after them for quite some time now.

i am preparing for a breakthrough. i can feel it. i have no other choice but to go UP from here. my situation right now is very difficult financially and i am going against my human nature to worry. it's not so easy, but i keep telling myself what the Bible says. and it's working. i am feeling up and down, but more up than down.

i never realized how old the old school cartoons (scooby doo, tom and jerry, bugs bunny, etc.) looked until today while watching some oldies with the girls.

what am i going to feed my family for dinner? i can't wait until hubs is home to cook for us!!!

finding my divine purpose.

i had a conversation with hubby last night in which i asked him to pray for me to find my divine purpose on this earth. lately i have been hearing the word preached and taught and spoken about on this subject. and for about a year now, i have been asking God to reveal to me what my divine purpose is--what is it that He wishes me to do to advance His Kingdom.

while i believe i am there, i am now feeling pretty stumped about how to go about it. i know that it is in the realm of women, health, self-improvement...that area...but i am not sure exactly what it is i should be doing, it doesn't seem to be gelling together.

or maybe it is and i'm blind to it? i've started my own business, and it's on spiritual hold, and i believe it's a part of my divine gift...and i am starting a women's group as well. it all feels so right but it looks so wrong.

so i asked my hubby to please pray for me, that i hear His voice concerning this matter and that i make no mistake about it.

it seems that it's so easy for some people to find their purpose and they just "do" it. in the Bible there are the stories of Tabitha and Rahab, and Ruth and Hannah and all of the other women who just seemed to "do it". i know it wasn't that easy for them, but it just seems that way. i don't want to compare or complain so i won't...

for now, i said maybe i could gift away my great abigail sea salt sachets to those who could really use a break. i have enough for about 10 bags or so, they don't have to be fancied up, but just bagged in a brown paper bag and handed out to those who need them *and who doesn't?! lol*. they are the perfect end to a crazy day, and i love the way they smell. by far they are my favorite sachets and i love Abigail's story *which can be found in 1 Samuel 25*.

maybe this isn't the right approach, but i feel like i'm not giving enough, my divine purpose is being sorted out, and it's making me crazy! i never thought i'd say that, "i feel like i'm not giving enough", but most certainly, it is how i feel. :(

maybe i'll feel better about this once my volunteer opportunity starts up, which should be within the next 2 weeks or so.

i hope i get my purpose down pat soon. *sigh*

what say you?

ok, since i'm at a computer quickly i HAVE to post this and i am asking anyone who reads this to please give feedback, especially if they are Christian OR have a loved one in prison.

my initial purpose of this blog was to relieve tension and stress about my life as a wife to an inmate and a mother to 3 active children. it was also to show others the ups and downs of prisonlife and parenthood. as it's grown though, it's become a conglomerate of the above and also a blog about my life in general, including frugality, my personal growth and some key points of who i am *a lover of animals, pro-life, etc.*. i will admit, because i am somewhat anonymous here, i feel comfortable enough to speak my heart on many things, and it's a huge relief to just let it all out when it seems like i can't speak to any other people about something in particular that i am going through. this is especially helpful when i can't speak to my hubby because of phone, letter or visit restrictions too. and even then, there are alot of things that i haven't let it *although i sure do wish i could lol*, because i feel like they are private just between he and i and/or our family.

now, i was told by a fellow Christian here that my blog is sinful in that i am revealing too much about my marriage, not being very Proverbian at all in my wifeliness. aside from one set of posts that revealed a series of problems we were going through *and actually worked through*, i don't find any posts especially *sinful*. but because i'm intrigued and definitely need to know if i'm sinning *so i can fix it because what we do not know isn't held against us but what we do know is*, i would like to know what others think about this accusation, in light of what they have read here thus far and even moreso if my blog is sinful in any way.

but please note, i made an exception for my blogposts from 2008, when i was a very different person than i am now *still a Christian but not as studious in the faith as i am now. this blog was even under another name then, it was not a Proverbs wife's life*. i did make mention to said Christian that what i have posted in my earlier writings on this blog *from the summer of 2008 mainly* are older postings of an older me and are not indicative of who i am now. these postings are not often and although they are secular in nature, still aren't extremely explicit or straight out crazy. but i kept these postings as a true confession of my growth as a Christian and a person. i feel that if i edit this diary of mine it won't be accurate of who i was and who i am. i am not ashamed of those postings because they are in the past, and in God i am made new. so i don't linger on them, nor do i hide who i *used* to be.

i stated this to said Christian, and i wonder if she deliberately used that information to create a post designed to accuse me of sinning. hmm. i wonder this especially because she immediately directed her comment concerning my various postings in this blog, and i wonder if she would have thought to do that on her own had i not mentioned my older musings first.

so at this point in time, i am not sure if the remark from her was a rebuttal to the comment that i posted to her or if it was given in genuine concern about the fact that i *may* be sinning (and i use that term lightly insofar as her remarks to me are concerned). but i'd like to get some comments on this all.

what do you see when you read this blog? can you see some changes in my demeanor and attitude *alot of people say they can in my regular non-online life* or are there no differences? are my old postings compared to my 2009 postings useful in seeing this change, if any? am i sinning and don't know it? am i ok? is there anything that you as a reader of this blog *and i know there aren't that many but still* think i should know?

what say you?

my favorite Psalm.

here's my very favorite Psalm, written by King David, Psalm 139. the first time i ever heard this Psalm it was read to my church congregation by our previous minister. when she read it to us, it touched my heart in a way that i still can't fully explain. it was God speaking straight to me concerning what i hold most important and closest to me, in the innermost parts of who i am. i really love this song, it's so beautiful and true, i cry when i study it.

anyway, i just thought i'd share it on my blog, since today i was sharing it with someone else. it can be found here along with other Biblical passages.


Psalm 139 (New Living Translation)

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.

2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.

4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.

5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.

11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—

12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!

18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!

20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.

21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

elephant skin, here i come.

elephant skin here i come! and don't think that i want to come...i just can't help it.

early last year i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism after struggling with a serious bout of depression, a continuously achy body and lethargy *is that a real word?*. i went to the doctor, and thank goodness i'm learning to say what's on my mind *i used to be even worse than i am now at this* because i plopped in the chair and told her flat out, "i think i need xanax. i am depressed and i'm going crazy!" she just looked at me, slid her glasses up higher on her nose and said, "let's see if the problem is physical before we send you off to the cuckoo house ok?" *people it was a joke, she's a great doctor really*. i had been going through so much, but as i slowly got my life together and put my priorities in order, my depression seemed to wane.

i have to note that i never got the xanax script and now i use a healthy dose of Jesus and lots of self-care to combat any depressive thoughts.

anyway, back to the point.

as my doctor was feeling along my throat she noticed lumps and that's how she came to wonder if my thyroid was playing a part. so she gave me a referral for a specialist and i eagerly went, because by this time i was suffering from a calamity of ailments.

the doctor sees me and looks at my face and asks, "is your face always that dry?" and i say "YES!" loudly and clearly because my facial skin indeed has been a progressive problem in the past two years and was one of many situations that prompted me to start my own business. he says, "definitely a sign of hypothyroidism."

so i come to find out that i am indeed hypothyroid, and my skin is a reflection of this. now i have to admit when i found out i didn't flip out or falter, but i told God, "thank You for helping me see the problem clearly, because now We can work on making my life better because of it." i am happy that i took that stance because it's worked, seriously. i sort of embrace my condition because it puts a reason to many problems that i had before and thought i was just weird or crazy to think i had *it was all in my imagination let me tell it*.

i have come to call my skin elephant skin. really, it gets rough and dry and discolored often but especially when i'm under alot of stress, go through extreme change, or when the seasons change. my elephant skin is coming back with a vengeance, and it will be bad this year unless i am proactive about it.

right now i am slathering it up with "Rahab Body Butter" (yes it's named after the prosititute in the Bible but it's not official yet so i don't market it) and it's doing wonders, and i use organic shea butter in between once daily slatherings, but at this moment i have to up this process from once a day to about 4 times...right now my face is on FIRE from the burning of my skin *it burns when it dries out*, and that's crazy because today i slathered on so much butter my daughter said, "mom i can see your face shining from the bathroom" and i was in my bedroom, a good 10-15 feet away.

this elephant skin is really bugging me this time around. it's cracking and itchy and burny, and i have skin burns and a bunch of other calamities on my face. there's really nothing much i can do for it but keep it hydrated and moisturized. i need to drink more water i know...i'm making a concious effort to start drinking more water to keep this stuff at bay...because i notice it does help slightly. but in the interim i'm about to buy a gallon of my own product to keep my face from cracking and falling apart.

elephant skin! i'm here!

cats, cats everywhere!

sam. one of my very first set of foster siblings, sam's brother kater died a few days after my mom brought the litter home, so she passed sam and her brothers fred and purrfect off to me. they've all since been adopted and have new moms and dads. :)

bo. from my second set of foster siblings, bo is awaiting adoption now. she looks evil here but she's really cute LOL.

godaddy is my newest foster. he was in poor condition when i brought him home. he has neurological defects and is a special needs kitten. his eyes here are watery because he has a slight eye infection. but what he lacks for in balance he makes up for in personality! godaddy is afraid of the dark so i keep a light on for him at all times. *sadness to my soul, godaddy died on 10/14/09 in my arms. he died from complications from injuries and neurological complications. it was difficult for me to deal with, even moreso than the kids. :*( *

bamino, my 2 month old foster, rubbing heads with my sleeping daughters. bambino is also the kitten in this post. when i brought bambino home with his sister bo and his sister purrina *i don't have a picture of her :( *, they were so little and new i thought they would all die (he fit perfectly in my daughter's hand pictured next to him now). their eyes had JUST opened and they were still bottle babies! NOW he's fat and heavy and handsome and fresh!

dean! he's 11 years old, and is an old ornery man. but he's still a doll. he is battling an eye infection right now and bowel problems but he still thinks he's a young whippersnapper LOL. see the huge mess he made with his litter *and got caught in the act doing*?!

so at the beginning of the summer, inspired by my own desire to change the world, mr. president's encouraging words about volunteering, and my general love for animals, i decided to volunteer at my local humane society. i had also been going through a series of stressful health situations and figured that doing something for animals in need and their caretakers would help me to not worry so much about my own issues.

so on may 2nd i believe, i went to an open house and first timers meeting for becoming a humane society volunteer. immediately i loved the animals, the flexible schedules, and their generosity to take any help the volunteers offered, from washing clothes to walking the dogs *some people and organizations actually aren't generous about receiving volunteer help*. my mom came with me *also prompted by mr. president's volunteer pep talk* and she decided to volunteer too.

we started that day, folding dry laundry and washing dirty laundry, totally not adequately dressed for the event but in love with the place nonetheless.

over the weeks we got to know everyone and the pets to the point where we were indistinguishable from the actual employees other than the lack of a biweekly paycheck. eventually we knew the ropes and where everything was, and we stuck to walking and giving the dogs some extra love and cleaning their areas...until one day we wandered into the *back* of the shelter.

to the kitten room.

in this room we were immediately hit by the stench of sick babies and mama cats who desperately needed help because they were just dying slowly. eye infections, upper respiratory infections and digestive tract problems ruled the land there, and almost every cat in the room was dying. since the humane society we volunteer for is a no-kill shelter, instead of putting the cats down, they strive diligently, patiently and sometimes pleadingly for the cats to get better and the illnesses to subside. we were told that since the economy weakened the shelter was rationing out medications and it just wasn't enough, but there wasn't enough money to purchase more medicine. so the only thing that could really help was taking home the best off kittens to keep them from getting sicker and taking home the worst off kittens to try and help *aka pray* them back to life and health. right then and there my mom picked a family of kittens to bring home. i picked an adult orange cat named dean who has irritable bowel syndrome in cat form (and he actually was in the sick adult room, not the kitten room, but it's a very similar place), and my mom brought home a set of kittens that were doing the best out of the room. the next day we went back to the shelter and dismantled the entire kitten room, disinfecting the whole place and letting the kittens out group by group to get exercise. over time the room got worse and then better, sometimes the kittens would die and one or two HAD to be put down because they were already basically dead, but then sometimes there would be a burst of cuteness coming from somewhere that just made the whole ordeal worth it. i eventually got my moms group of kittens because she wasn't prepared for the difficulties of raising little babies without a mama cat.

when the brakes on my van went i couldn't get back and forth to the shelter anymore *neither could my mom*, so we just decided to become full time foster parents of the neediest kittens and mama's in the shelter. why the kittens? because while the dogs are higher maintenance, the kittens and cats have more needs. i chose to take on the kittens because i already have adult cats in my house and more adults just makes it harder for me to keep the peace *at one time my only female adult started spraying this one particular wall EVERY DAY because of stress! *EEWWWWW*

right now, i have godaddy, bambino *pictured above* and dean *pictured above, whom i adopted*. dean has an eye infection that may cause him to lose his right eye so that has me a bit wacked out, and his irritable bowel syndrome is getting worse. but he's alive and i'm doing the best i can. every other kitten has been adopted save bo, who is waiting now.

i didn't expect the financial costs to rise of my household with fostering kittens, but it has. i'm already strapped for cash to the point where i am statistically in poverty, and i buy the cats food and litter because the shelter is having a hard time. medicines are low and i can't afford vet bills *which is why dean's eye is so bad off*. most people would say don't adopt a cat you can't afford but taking dean back to the shelter is out of the question and struggling together with half of the problems you had before has gotten to be better than struggling alone with all of them. i am blessed for the opportunity and so are the cats. i used to feel that praying for animals was silly until i went through the stress with baby, now i see that you can pray for anything that you feel is important to pray for, and if you have to pray for it, it must be important. God must smile down on me because i send up my prayers for my fosters and He answers them. if He doesn't answer them, there's a reason and i accept that all things have their time.

we eat everynight and have lots of love and warmth to give. the kittens get their needs met with me and my girls love them, and i feel like i'm really making a difference, despite my dire financial situation and sometimes lifestyle stress. so really, i'd say i'm rich. and so are my kitties.

*btw, the kitten room has improved DRAMATICALLY and i am HAPPY to announce that this season was the worst season the humane society has seen for cats in years...good! so we basically got indoctrinated in the worst season--now i know it doesn't get much worse than that. from here we can only go up. hopefully next season won't be nearly as bad*.

*sigh*

i miss my blogger! GRAAHHHHH!

I NEED A LAPTOP! ;*(

this Christian woman's view on abortion.

now i know this is a difficult pill for some believers and non-believers alike to swallow, but this is my blog so i'm going to give my opinion re: Christians and their problems with legalized abortion.

legalized abortion is a very touchy subject and it's one of those damned-if-ya-do damned-if-ya-don't type situations. however, after alot of soul searching myself, i have simplified the trillions of facets of abortion into two basic sentences: abortion is allowed under governmental law and therefore is the law. and there is nothing wrong with abortion being legal.

any studious Christian knows that governments are a secular concept, not a spiritual one. any country that deems to make abortion legal has the absolute right to do so imo under it's government. bottom line, there's nothing to argue there. now to go a bit deeper.

the reason i even started this entry is simple. it irks me to see Christians get upset at the government, each other and whomever else is in earshot because the government (i suppose mr. president in particular according to some) refused to take away the right to abort.

one Christian i heard on the television today *my back was turned so i didn't see him* had the nerve to say that president obama is "allowing" abortion and "encouraging" it. how exactly, pray tell, is barack obama "allowing" or "encouraging" abortions to take place? as far as i can tell abortions were legal in many places before the man was born himself and the secular society we live in encourages abortions, not one person. no one person has the power to encourage thousands of abortions per year across a country. i have never heard mr. president say to someone, "please, go out and get an abortion. and if you can't find a clinic that will safely abort, please, please PLEASE stick a hanger way up there and tug hard."

there is nothing worse than a Christian that makes me look bad. as if i don't do things that make me look bad enough being my own Christian. but that Christian made me as a Christian look very bad. not only that, but he added yet another log to the political fire by outright lying on mr. president. i can hear the masses now, "that wasn't very God-like!!!"

*sigh*

i am pro-life. period. this fact about me will never change. it took me six long years to admit that i was pro-life and not pro-choice. as a matter of fact, i believe that any pro-choicer who says, "i'm only pro-choice because i can't tell another person what to do with their body" is a pro-lifer without the guts to admit their true feelings. that used to be me. but today i will matter-of-factly state that i am pro-life. i do not believe in abortion as legitimate, fine, acceptable or "the removal of an unwanted growth". i believe abortion is the killing of a human being, bottom line. now some will say this is very callous of an attitude to have, but i digress. whatever. i am not saying i can't stand those who abort, i've had an abortion myself. so i do not stand in the face of people being mightier-than-thou. that's not my steelo, and someone having an abortion would not make me love, like or care for them any less than i love myself. things happen and people make decisions that they believe are best when they make them, and without sounding *too* preachy, God still loves us all.

but i'm not here to argue that point.

my point here *right now anyway* is, in this world you cannot force the hand of any individual. so what is the problem? why are Christians *SO* very upset over the fact that abortion is legal and that mr. president refuses to take away choice in the matter? abortion should be legal, because it's going to happen one way or another, legal or illegal. making it legal does not mean one has to have an abortion. if this was true it would be making abortion mandatory that would be the more important problem, and i believe true pro-choicers would have have just as much issue with mandatory abortion as they do with taking the abortion option away *or at least that's my "rose-colored glasses" hope*. if a woman wants an abortion then i would rather her to be able to have one legally and in a clean, safe medical setting versus doing it the underground way, or worse yet by doing it herself, as i've heard many a story about. i believe many more people would die from illegal abortion than would from legal abortion, since many would-be mothers would probably kill themselves accidentally having bootlegged abortions done.

imo, understanding a moral law does not mean that one must FOLLOW said law. what's moral to the goose may be immoral to the gander. the only law a person is MANDATED to follow is the legal law. i know that sometimes the lines that draw the difference between legal and moral seem murky, but i am pretty sure that there is a line there somewhere. when a person wants something, truly and deeply, there is no amount of persuasion concerning morals and legalities that's going to get them to change their mind. this goes for both sides of the argument. those of us who are against abortion will be against it no matter how legal it becomes and no matter how many people do it. those of us who are not against abortion won't be against it no matter how illegal it becomes or how many people don't do it. this is the way life is when people stand firmly in their beliefs.

when this world ends the only person's behaviors we will be responsible for are our own. yes, we can and should encourage those around us to follow the law of God and not abort for their own sake and the sake of their unborn child(ren) because that is Christian duty. however, in the end whatever decision they make is truly their choice and legal right to make. the Bible says *yes i'm preaching here* that each man will be responsible only for his own actions in this world, not those of anyone else. our final judgement will be solely our own. so we cannot force our judgement on another person nor will we be able to blame our decisions on another person. those who are truly Christian know that they are in this world and not of it. so why does it anger so many people that this world is just doing what it's supposed to do--being the world? if the world agreed with God, Jesus wouldn't have had to say "ye are in the world not of it"because it wouldn't have been the truth. if God and the world were on the same accord then the world would be in us, and we would be in the world, and sin wouldn't exist and neither would the choice to sin or not to sin. we'd all be following God's Word and Law to the letter because well it would be all we had to follow *since sin wouldn't exist*. we would be taking it back to the Garden pre-serpent days.

yes, it's what's in the heart that counts. if someone has it in their heart to abort, well then hey. that is their RIGHT to abort as written by the legal law. and Jesus was the first to say, "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s” (Mathew 22:21). sure, the specific meaning of this verse was concerning taxes, but i believe the broader meaning of this verse is to follow the law and obey it, so long as the law of man does not conflict with the law of God. if the law of man conflicts with the law of God, you follow God. this law about *legalized abortion* does NOT conflict with the Word of God. why not you ask? it doesn't conflict with God's Word because this law is a choice, not a mandate. we have the choice to abort or not to abort. the law is simply, "abortion is legal and a woman has the right to an abortion if she so chooses to have one in this country". no more, no less. heck, i'm wondering if its even a law moreso than it is a choice. if no one in the world aborted, then God would certainly be happy i believe, and the law wouldn't matter one way or another now would it? but the government would still have the right to keep the wording and meaning of the law. the government's laws are not God's laws, and they were given the right not to be. so long as we Christians have the choice NOT to abort *and verily i tell you if you are Christian then you ought to be pro-life*, who is it bothering and why is it really bothering them?

if a person is under God, then they will know abortion is spiritually illegal and they will not abort. it's up to each person to decide which law he or she is going to follow. and God wants us to have the choice to do right more than He wants us to be forced to do what's right, believe me.

my humble abode thus far.

so here are some pictures of my bedroom, kitchen and living room.

the reason i'm posting them up is to show my personal frugality at work. with a little hard work, patience and determination a person can have a pretty comfortable place to live in on a very tight (or even nearly non existent) budget. contrary to popular belief, being frugal has many more pros than cons, and honestly it's really fun once you get into it.

everything on the bed was free, even the kitten LOL. the only thing i purchased was the frame itself for 150.00 at ikea about 6 years ago. there are at least 350.00 worth of blankets and pillows on my bed *very good quality items, including a down pillow bed and comforter woohoo*. in my living room the only thing i brought was the tv 8 years ago at 300.00 and the tv center for 50.00 from the thrift store about 2 years ago. everything else was free. in my kitchen the only thing i purchased were the 4 clear canisters with the blue tops from the dollar store at 1.00 each and the two apples from the same store at 1.00 each. there was a bunch of chaos going on because it was dinner time. but theres a plant, tea kettle, bread canister, sugar bowl, spice rack and a container with spoons in it *ok i brought the spoons, 15.00 from bed bath and beyond*.

it's really coming along and the best thing i've accomplished thus far in it is making it feel like home. yessiree, when you walk into my house, it has a nice, ahhhhh feeling to it. i've decorated my home over the years all for less than 5,000.00 altogether from the time i've moved in, i'm positive. and that includes 1,500.00 for my new carpets *which are brown but look much better in person than in the pictures*.

all things considering, i must say that the pictures really don't do my little townhouse justice.

ok, so when i first moved into my little townhouse 7 years ago i had 2 blankets, a pillow, a radio and 3 boxes of books, clothes and diapers for my girls.

now it's been a while and alot of struggle. i've written about my sick dog and the havoc she wreaked on my little spot, and how i had to move her to my moms because of the difficulties i had keeping her. i've also had to deal with a building that's not the most structurally sound in the world haha, when trucks come past everything rumbles. as the house settles, things are more than a bit lopsided and the ceilings and walls are shifting and seperating slightly. some of the materials used to make my home were discontinued and actually the cheapest money could buy. when the snow comes it has a tendency to melt into my home. when the rain comes if don't lock my windows it will splatter through the cracks and wet up the floors. i have to continuously wipe down my kitchen cabinets because the food oils stain them horribly if i don't.

despite all of these problems, my little townhouse is my home and i'm grateful for it. when i moved into it, it was just another little mechanically created house on a long block of little mechanically created houses which all looked, smelled and seemed the same. after putting a few memories and some very special things into it, my humble abode now has personality and spunk!

i am almost proud (we shouldn't be prideful) to say that most of what's in my home is preowned or brought new for under 20.00 lol. the things that cost more than 20.00 new are far and few between, and the word "new" is relative. when i got those "new" things, sure they were "new" but this was also 6-7 years ago lol.

in other words, i no longer buy anything new for more than 20.00 to go into my home except for clothing for the girls and myself. lol.

it may not be much, but it's not bad to have basically been free, eh?

telling children some of the truths about life.

well of course, telling children the truth about life is a conversation that every parent should take seriously and should take careful consideration about before actually doing it. and one thing i've noticed about the conversation is that, although it is inevitable, it's almost certainly easier when you consult with God about it before you actually do it. another thing i've noticed is that, when your heart is right and the truth is in it, the words flow more easily than you can imagine, almost like it's not even you speaking.

and this is great because sometimes the conversation comes up without you really planning or expecting it.

today my oldest daughter had to be told repeatedly to clean her room. and when i was speaking to her about it, the conversation took a decidedly abrupt twist.

now it could be that i'm feeling especially blessed today after church, or that i'm simply a sensitive to the world around me type sould, but whatever the case may be, the conversation turned into a discussion on the truth about life. and i am happy that we had it.

some basic truths about life that i shared with my daughter are:

we get older every day, and we cannot regain lost time, so we must make the best of what we have

without the proper amount of education, be it formal or informal, we are doomed to live a difficult life full of ignorance and missed opportunity

even with education,l formal or informal, life is still difficult

growing up is difficult, especially during the tween and teen years (which she is entering)

peer pressure is real, and she will need to make important decisions about her friends

there are people in the world who are worse off than you are on your most worse off day

there are some people who mean you well and some people who mean you ill

you cannot let the people who mean you ill prevent you from accepting the good from poeople who mean you well

some personal truths that i shared with my daughter are (based on what i want to instill in her):

God loves each human being on this earth, even those who don't behave in the best ways

God expects us to love each other the way we love Him

God expects her to do, be and show her very best self

it is our obligation to love ourselves, each other and our planet

a woman of strength is one who is smart, generous and orderly, among other things

it is her responsibility to take care of and appreciate what she gets, regardless of the difficulty or ease it took to get it

times are becoming increasingly difficult, and the world is going through many changes

she must use what she knows in her mind to help her navigate this life

she is beautiful, smart and has the same rights as anyone else

having a right to do something does not neccessarily mean it should be done

i suppose i could go on, but some things were private mommy/daughter things that i don't have to list, as every mommy/daughter team does or will know soon enough exactly what i'm talking about (sorry daddies hehe--although many daddies do know anyway i'm sure).

the most amazing thing to me about the conversation is how easily the words flowed for me. when i was a younger parent rearing my girls i used to have small panic attacks about how i would explain certain things to them, or discuss certain topics, and to be quite honest at one point i decided that i would get others to *handle* these important parental matters for me. but as i matured more and watched them grow i realized that it was my responsibility to discuss these matters with my children because they are my children and no one else's, and what i say to them more than likely will shape the rest of their lives. i also realized that God would provide me with the voice i needed to share with them what needed to be shared, and i wouldn't be embarassed, at a loss for words, or confused. how did i know this? i could feel it inside myself, budding like a flower. i would be hit with the urge to discuss certain topics with her, or i would say to myself, "i know exactly what i'm going to tell her when she asks me this or that". it seemed like i was almost welcoming the opportunity to talk to her about life,and i was becoming excited about it! this is how i know i was changing and the voice i needed to talk to my daughter was forming within me.

every single question my oldest daughter has asked me about life thus far has been met with a sure answer from me. i haven't been afraid to share with her the truths about various things, death, friends, marriage, hurt...and the biggest obstacle for me...SEX! it never ceases to amaze me how my heart didn't jump out of my chest a single time in all of the conversations we've had, how well my words were received, and how easy it was for me to share with her my heart's desires for her. this is how i know i wasn't alone when talking to my daughter about these things.

i have never been adept at verbal communication. when i was a little girl i used to share my emotions and opinions by writing letters because it was 100% easier, an opinion that i still hold to this day. so to be able to share with her verbally and do it so fully and openly and clearly is actually a first for me as well.

i never thought i'd be thankful to God for allowing me the opportunity to share with my daughter the way my mother shared with me, but i am. i am thankful to give her these bricks for her use, and it is my prayer that with God's help she lays them in the path He wants her to follow.

i am honored to be the one He chose to hand them to her.

a blogger rant and vent!

I really wish blogger would get it together and allow picture uploads from our cell phones. Its really not that hard to do. I finally got to the point of being able to add pictures to my blog without feeling it is a burden only to find out that I can't do it from my cell phone. *smh*

Get it together blogger (or is there a way to do this and I'm the one that needs to get it together?)!

Jesus loves ALL of His creations, even the imperfect ones.

yes it's true. i love my american pit bull terrier, and she loves me. not only that, but Jesus loves her too. i suppose it's safe to say that Jesus loves her so much because i love her so much, although He loves all of His creation. so maybe i'm being a little siddity in saying that He loves her as much as He does because i love her as much as i do.

but at any rate, the point is, we Both love our pit bull terrier, baby. a while back i posted about her struggling with mange, and the stresses it brought to the table. well, we were still struggling so much and badly that for the first time i had considered seriously, seriously putting her down. it really came as a final decision after i got my carpets replaced, which needed to be done very badly. because of the cost (1,500.00) and the amount of physical labor it took me by myself to have them put in, i really couldn't stand to have her ruin them again.

but my heart just couldn't say yes to euthanizing my dog. so i prayed.

now some people think it's silly to pray over certain seemingly small things, but as my mom says, "if it's important enough to pray over, then it's not small." so i swallowed my anxiety and i spoke to Jesus about my problem. i prayed for a solution, and moreso than that, i prayed that He help me accept putting her down, because my heart just couldn't take it. it was probably the most emotional prayer i've had all year--i cried before, during and after my prayer. i felt like i was choosing to euthanize my best friend or a family member.

i still can't really express the pain i felt praying that prayer.

but i know Jesus heard it. and what else did He send but an answer?

two days before my carpets got done, my mother called me up. now take note that after i had said my prayer few days earlier i texted my mom and asked her to pray for me concerning the situation as well, to pray for me to have enough strength to do what was best for all parties involved.

so anywh0, my mom calls me up. and she blurts out that she'll take my dog! now i'm confused because i've had this dog for x amount of years and no one save my sister has offered to help me by actually taking her. unfortunately soon after that my sister lost her job and her apartment so that offer fell through the floor.

but i certainly was floored. my mom told me she'd take my dog and help me with her. all i had to do was buy her medicine and continue to make her meals...which i agreed to do without fail.

when i asked her what made her decide to help me she said, "i don't know. i just have been having these dreams about her and my heart is telling me not to let her get put to sleep."

funny, but that's the same exact thing both hubby and i have experienced with this dog. dreams and our hearts/intuitions/feelings telling us to keep her around. almost like God Himself is demanding she be kept alive. i pretty much listen to my heart, i don't ignore my feelings. and this dog evokes such a strong response from me emotionally--it's hard to explain but for some reason i cant let her go. she's blessed--there's a reason she's on this earth i've decided.

so my prayers were heard and answered. i was spared the pain of putting down literally the sweetest dog i've ever owned, and my carpets were spared the pain of being totally destroyed again. what a blessing huh!

to make matters better, my dog seems to be healing up super quickly. hard to explain, but i think she is allergic to carpeting. her fur is growing back in and she no longer needs to wear a tshirt around her neck *as you can see she has on in the above picture too*. this dog has been delivered from death more times than i care to count. i believe i explained her story in my last post about her so i won't repeat it, but she's a special dog. she misses me sure, but since i'm right around the c0rner from my mom i'm always in her face anyway. my sister helps me out too, so i guess it's safe to say baby has become a family dog.

and i know it's safe to say that she's loved and that Jesus loves all of His creations, even the imperfect ones.

my baby is growing up.

just three and a half short years ago, i held my newborn baby in my arms, amazed at how much like her daddy she looked, how tiny she was in my arms. i was so proud of her, to have been strong enough to hang in there with mommy during a very difficult pregnancy, one in which i feared for her life on at least three occassions.

now, my tiny baby girl has grown up into a active, rowdy three year old who still looks like her daddy, but has the round nose and eyes of her mommy... ;)

but she's growing up! and to be very honest, i'm not ready for that just yet. not right now...
.

.

.

.

ok, i'm not sure when i'll be ready for it, but i can assure you i'm not ready for it now. but despite my inability to wrap my mind around the fact that everyone grows up and my baby is no exception, she's doing just that.

she's growing up. no amount of typing that phrase out will keep her from growing up, nor will any amount of typing slow the process of her growing up.

how do i know she's growing up? well the fact that she's only three but wears a 5t is one piece of proof that she's growing up. but even more devastating than that...my baby has decided she wants to go to *gulp* school!

that horrid, terrible, six-letter word. school.

the taste it leaves in my mouth is inexplicable, and i assure you, you don't want to taste it either.

yes, my baby has decided that at the ripe old age of three point five years old, she is ready to leave the nest and enter the world of school. just to prove her point, she has demanded (and i gave in) to carrying her lunch around in a lunch box. for the past two days, i've packed up her lunch in her older sister's last year lunch box, and she has proudly and matter of factly told everyone within earshot "im goin' tuh skewl! see?!?!" as she points excitedly towards her dora the explorer metal lunch tin.

i've had to come up with 20 reasons an hour about why she actually isn't in school, but none of them satisfy her for more than 3 minutes. she's demanding to go to school, and i'm running out of reasons why she's not in school.

now she would be in an actual daycare center except that i don't approve of any daycare centers i've seen in my area over the past three years, and i refuse to take my children somewhere i don't approve of. working in that field at my last job really showed me alot of issues the state has not addressed in the way of daycare centers and i just refuse to have my baby in the middle of all that nonsense. she used to go to homecare, but it's gotten expensive, more than i can afford per week, since i lost my job. it used to cost 80.00 per week, now it's 160.00 per week for her old sitter, who is really the only person i trust with her.

so she's stuck home with me for now (not that she appreciates it, she doesn't).

i have been looking steadily for part time work, so if i'm able to find it, i probably will be able to afford to send her back to her sitter. if i don't find work, i am going to go back to school full time and she can go back to her sitter, which she'd love. then she can finally tote around her little dora lunchbox and actually be going to school (in a sense at least).

and i can be soothed somewhat. because she wouldn't be in school per se, just daycare. and because daycare isn't school exactly, only similar to school in certain ways, i can buy at least another two years of having my baby still be my baby.

a busy day today!

the kids and i are just coming in from a concert that we had at our church, it was very enjoyable. we stuffed our faces with food afterward and now i'm good and tired. it was really enjoyable to be able to just sing and clap and praise the Lord with my church family and immediate family. i really love my new church--it's like home. :D

i'm off to bed--we have to get up pretty early to be at church on time.

look what i "stumbled" upon!

during a time when i've been debating alot with other religions over who Jesus truly was, i found this passage by the apostle John to say everything i need to say. it gave me the confirmation i needed to have to continue debating the good debate.

1 John 2:20-27 (New International Version)

20But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you know the truth.[a] 21I do not write to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it and because no lie comes from the truth. 22Who is the liar? It is the man who denies that Jesus is the Christ. Such a man is the antichrist—he denies the Father and the Son. 23No one who denies the Son has the Father; whoever acknowledges the Son has the Father also.
24See that what you have heard from the beginning remains in you. If it does, you also will remain in the Son and in the Father. 25And this is what he promised us—even eternal life.
26I am writing these things to you about those who are trying to lead you astray. 27As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

a blessed day!

whomever said that God will take our obstacles and turn them into stepping stones, that our difficulties are opportunities for Him to work miracles in our lives never lied! today i was having a rough day, debating with a few people on matters of religion, and as always, it seemed as if i was the underdog. eventually when people saw that they could not change my mind about my faith, the accusations came pouring in that i was rude, disrespectful, stubborn, etc.

now anyone who knows me knows that i may be stubborn and i can be rude, but disrespectful i am not. i just don't turn my beliefs for anyone, not only because this is who i am, but also because this is my life and the lives of my family. so i am set in my belief system. that still doesn't equate to disrespectful, but you can't tell an angry person that.

so anyway, i decided to pray over it, because i had to question myself...maybe i am disrespectful. and if i was, i wanted God to let me know and to show me how to work on that, because paul says to be bold in love.

so while i was praying, God just came on along and crept into my heart, and told me that the battle is not an easy one, but it is one to press on in and to remain steadfast in my beliefs and my presentation, because it shows others that i am not joking around.

my heart became so light and happy that i decided to play my music, and i felt brand new and rejuvinated. the night before i had been so weary and worn down from the debate and when i woke up this morning i just sighed and said, "a continuation. oh boy." so i wasn't exactly elated to be caught up in the whirlwind of an emotional spiritual debate, but then out of the battle came a blessing, so i wound up being happy to have engaged in it at all.

an additional blessing also came from this debate. for the past 3 months i have been diligently and excitedly studying the Word of God and engaging in fellowship, and it felt so good and so intense that i had gotten to the point where i was dreaming daily dreams of God, Jesus, heaven and peace. and i would pray and pray for God to allow me to retain in that state of spiritual highnesses, just let me wake up every day as blessed and elated as i had been.

but life set in and eventually my strict study regimine waned, my study group went back to work and living, and i found myself studying only half diligently and listening to my music only on most days.

well engaging in that argument has spiked up my study habits again and has opened up an entirely new world to me--the world of monotheistic religion study.

now i have to scratch together another barnes and noble money bank because i am itching to get my hands on some more prominent works by scholars who study the Christianity/Judaism/islam relationship.

it's funny how God uses what we deem as discouraging situations to bless us, open up our minds and broaden our horizons. before this day i had no real interest in learning about the big 3 religions in relationship to each other, and now i'm so interested i've been researching for the past 6 hours. i feel that my prayers to remain committed to my Christian beliefs have been answered.

and that's a blessed day.

a new day.

i was able to move my blog to a new email address *one that i actually use* and save my blog. i was a little nervous at first with switching it and then i got very nervous when i had to hit the delete button permanently on my old blogger account. i figured that by some stroke of pure harassment from the devil, my blog would have deleted itself. but it's up and it's safe and sound, i have a new email address and it's all good! yay!

today was my second official service with my new female pastor at my church. well i and other members of our church hope she'll be our permanent pastor. right now it's 50/50, but she says she's praying to stay, and we're praying to keep her. although i am non-denominational, i go to a methodist church, and one of their protocols for the church is to switch pastors as needed. the main reasons being another church in need of a new pastor or a church starting out needing strengthening. so out of the blue, our presiding elder decided that our pastor was needed at another church, and we were left without a pastor. so in the interim, we were placed with a female pastor. now i won't lie, both services this woman had me in tears, what she preached was so simple, yet true. today i was so choked up and just full of the Word that i had to catch my breath more than once.

i will admit, it's taking some getting used to, seeing as she's the only female pastor, she's not married, and there are no reverends or bishops etc. residing in the church.

this shepard is definitely a feminine female heading a flock. albeit a small flock but we are a flock nonetheless.

i am so excited for her and for myself, because honestly i feel that because of her age, knowledge and ability she will help our church reach new heights, especially with the young. but i've had all male pastors for as long as i can remember and it's like wow--really a change.

but God tells us that we must be willing to accept change, to go with the flow, and to be willing to accept Him and His Word in many forms.

like anything new, it will take some getting used to her. but i have a feeling that when the time comes to switch pastors again, our congregation will be very sad to see her go.

smooth sailing.

I can honestly say that since I've become more serious about church, tithing,giving, helping others, Biblical studies and coming closer to God in general, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the quality of my life has improved tenfold. I no longer feel drudged down by the weight and worries of this world.

Some may have heard me say it but some may not have--this summer has been a spiritual breakthrough for me. I say this truly and sincerely. I suppose God believed that it was time for me to go to the next level in my spirituality, well I've made it there with flying colors! I can't believe how much I was missing out on concerning my relationship with Him before!

Now that I have this new relationship I pray that it doesn't dissolve, that I have the strength and faith and determination to continually walk with Him without letting the secularness of this world hold me back or cause me to second guess myself and God's love for me. Because while some people are absolutely positive there is nothing that makes them waiver in God--i've been angry with Him to the point of not even talking to Him, I've lost faith before and sometimes I've even understood the rationings of non-believers and have been struck with what I call the "What Ifs"--a period in which I question the reality of God. But I find that while the stronger I get in God the stronger the opposition gets, the easier it is for me to tackle my own doubts and insecurities and tap them down to resume my walk in, through and with Him.

I've found such a peace in my increased spirituality that I no longer get all wound up when problems come my way. I'm curbing a lot of the words coming out of my mouth and ideas coming out of my mind and I'm no longer feeling like I'm going against my own grain or what seems to be ingrained in me to the point that its simply who I am. I find that working on myself is becoming easier than ever. Its not EASY but its easier than it has ever been before for me.

I'm on my way...I am reaping the goodness of God in my life and I am bringing that goodness to and encouraging my family to find their own goodness in Him moreso than ever before. My children are developing a stronger relationship in Him as well. I can see such a marked difference in all of us in only a month, I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't experiencing it myself.

I am blessed with smooth sailing!