now that's a happy dog!

figured i'd start the work week off with a positive post about baby, whom i haven't spoken about in a while. as most know from previous posts, baby has severe immune system depression that has led to an overgrowth of demodex mites on her body, resulting in a seemingly incurable case of demodex mange. i have tried everything for this dog and spent thousands of dollars on her in an attempt to help her heal and lead a physically healthy and comfortable life. in more recent times, loss of income has made this feat akin to trying to find a needle in a haystack, and eventually things got so bad that i contemplated putting her to sleep. she was always in pain, always scratching, always suffering from secondary infection and always one step away from misery. her only saving grace was that with a sweet heart and ever optimistic attitude, baby never let her condition get the best of her, until...

i was no longer able to keep her. she had to move in with my mother, who then, due to financial reasons, decided to sell her house here in the north and move south. when she left, she could not bring baby. and since i couldn't bring baby home, that left her living with my sister. it was ok for a while, but as the months went on, baby started to become stressed from lonliness (my sister works about 60 hours a week) and her condition began to get worse. i tried to alleviate things by bringing baby over for weekend visits and keeping up with her diet and medical regimine, but having a new baby drowned that out quickly, and eventually i found myself desperate to get my dog and myself out of this no win situation.

it was only by the grace of God that this dog has gotten a new lease on life. no one would adopt her with such severe health problems (she also has allergies) and i had no financial recourse to help her. i was praying for my pooch regularly, for her help, for my help...for some way out of this mess!

and then it came, an answer to my prayers. in december 2011, my mother called me up and said, "i'm going to come and get my granddog baby, bring her down here with me (in north carolina) and let her see a vet down here. we'll see how she does." well, it's been a month that baby has been in her new home with grandma, and from the picture i was sent, it looks like she's getting along just fine in her new home. other than an aversion to walking on dewy grass in the morning, she is taking to country life just fine. for 200.00, my mother was able to get her care that would cost well over 1000.00 here. she has also been cleared to receive a mitoban dip by her new vet, who is watching her progress on the medication. my mother reports that baby has reacted wonderfully to the first treatment, and already doesn't scratch anymore! she has a slight infection in one eye, but it is being treated too. as is visible in the picture, her fur is even growing back in! all of this in less than a month is amazing! baby's favorite place is the huge yard my mother has, and despite the house being placed just off a very busy county road (which i call a 2 lane super highway), baby is safe and knows how to stay away from it. that was a concern of mine...

but goodness! i am so relieved that baby has a new lease on life, in a new place that she loves, with family! now THAT'S a blessing!

happy birthday!

id like to give a big happy birthday shout out to my locs! they are three years old today. :o)

time surely flew by quickly...i remember when my mom first twisted my hair into little natty sections and i had to struggle to get my hair to look anything other than a confused mess.

i remember putting little hair clips in it to give it some style.

i remember when my first loc actually was created, right at the base of my neck.

i remember wishing it were longer.

i remember wishing the front would finally loc once the back did.

i remember finally appreciating my hair length just as it was.

i remember coloring my locs for the first time.

i remember our first real argument--when they were just unruly and wouldn't listen to directions.

i remember my first compliment.

i remember my first criticism (which just happened to be by my mom--the woman who put them in. smh).

i remember those days where i wondered if natural hair was for me (i dont think i fit america's definition of beauty).

i remember not being able to wait...

until they were three years old. and here we are! i am so excited, and i love my hair. i always get compliments now and i always recommend people of color go back to their kinky natural hair.

i love my locs.

my locs love me.

happy birthday locs!

my favorite Psalm.

here's my very favorite Psalm, written by King David, Psalm 139. the first time i ever heard this Psalm it was read to my church congregation by our previous minister. when she read it to us, it touched my heart in a way that i still can't fully explain. it was God speaking straight to me concerning what i hold most important and closest to me, in the innermost parts of who i am. i really love this song, it's so beautiful and true, i cry when i study it.

anyway, i just thought i'd share it on my blog, since today i was sharing it with someone else. it can be found here along with other Biblical passages.


Psalm 139 (New Living Translation)

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.

2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.

4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.

5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.

11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—

12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!

18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!

20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.

21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

cats, cats everywhere!

sam. one of my very first set of foster siblings, sam's brother kater died a few days after my mom brought the litter home, so she passed sam and her brothers fred and purrfect off to me. they've all since been adopted and have new moms and dads. :)

bo. from my second set of foster siblings, bo is awaiting adoption now. she looks evil here but she's really cute LOL.

godaddy is my newest foster. he was in poor condition when i brought him home. he has neurological defects and is a special needs kitten. his eyes here are watery because he has a slight eye infection. but what he lacks for in balance he makes up for in personality! godaddy is afraid of the dark so i keep a light on for him at all times. *sadness to my soul, godaddy died on 10/14/09 in my arms. he died from complications from injuries and neurological complications. it was difficult for me to deal with, even moreso than the kids. :*( *

bamino, my 2 month old foster, rubbing heads with my sleeping daughters. bambino is also the kitten in this post. when i brought bambino home with his sister bo and his sister purrina *i don't have a picture of her :( *, they were so little and new i thought they would all die (he fit perfectly in my daughter's hand pictured next to him now). their eyes had JUST opened and they were still bottle babies! NOW he's fat and heavy and handsome and fresh!

dean! he's 11 years old, and is an old ornery man. but he's still a doll. he is battling an eye infection right now and bowel problems but he still thinks he's a young whippersnapper LOL. see the huge mess he made with his litter *and got caught in the act doing*?!

so at the beginning of the summer, inspired by my own desire to change the world, mr. president's encouraging words about volunteering, and my general love for animals, i decided to volunteer at my local humane society. i had also been going through a series of stressful health situations and figured that doing something for animals in need and their caretakers would help me to not worry so much about my own issues.

so on may 2nd i believe, i went to an open house and first timers meeting for becoming a humane society volunteer. immediately i loved the animals, the flexible schedules, and their generosity to take any help the volunteers offered, from washing clothes to walking the dogs *some people and organizations actually aren't generous about receiving volunteer help*. my mom came with me *also prompted by mr. president's volunteer pep talk* and she decided to volunteer too.

we started that day, folding dry laundry and washing dirty laundry, totally not adequately dressed for the event but in love with the place nonetheless.

over the weeks we got to know everyone and the pets to the point where we were indistinguishable from the actual employees other than the lack of a biweekly paycheck. eventually we knew the ropes and where everything was, and we stuck to walking and giving the dogs some extra love and cleaning their areas...until one day we wandered into the *back* of the shelter.

to the kitten room.

in this room we were immediately hit by the stench of sick babies and mama cats who desperately needed help because they were just dying slowly. eye infections, upper respiratory infections and digestive tract problems ruled the land there, and almost every cat in the room was dying. since the humane society we volunteer for is a no-kill shelter, instead of putting the cats down, they strive diligently, patiently and sometimes pleadingly for the cats to get better and the illnesses to subside. we were told that since the economy weakened the shelter was rationing out medications and it just wasn't enough, but there wasn't enough money to purchase more medicine. so the only thing that could really help was taking home the best off kittens to keep them from getting sicker and taking home the worst off kittens to try and help *aka pray* them back to life and health. right then and there my mom picked a family of kittens to bring home. i picked an adult orange cat named dean who has irritable bowel syndrome in cat form (and he actually was in the sick adult room, not the kitten room, but it's a very similar place), and my mom brought home a set of kittens that were doing the best out of the room. the next day we went back to the shelter and dismantled the entire kitten room, disinfecting the whole place and letting the kittens out group by group to get exercise. over time the room got worse and then better, sometimes the kittens would die and one or two HAD to be put down because they were already basically dead, but then sometimes there would be a burst of cuteness coming from somewhere that just made the whole ordeal worth it. i eventually got my moms group of kittens because she wasn't prepared for the difficulties of raising little babies without a mama cat.

when the brakes on my van went i couldn't get back and forth to the shelter anymore *neither could my mom*, so we just decided to become full time foster parents of the neediest kittens and mama's in the shelter. why the kittens? because while the dogs are higher maintenance, the kittens and cats have more needs. i chose to take on the kittens because i already have adult cats in my house and more adults just makes it harder for me to keep the peace *at one time my only female adult started spraying this one particular wall EVERY DAY because of stress! *EEWWWWW*

right now, i have godaddy, bambino *pictured above* and dean *pictured above, whom i adopted*. dean has an eye infection that may cause him to lose his right eye so that has me a bit wacked out, and his irritable bowel syndrome is getting worse. but he's alive and i'm doing the best i can. every other kitten has been adopted save bo, who is waiting now.

i didn't expect the financial costs to rise of my household with fostering kittens, but it has. i'm already strapped for cash to the point where i am statistically in poverty, and i buy the cats food and litter because the shelter is having a hard time. medicines are low and i can't afford vet bills *which is why dean's eye is so bad off*. most people would say don't adopt a cat you can't afford but taking dean back to the shelter is out of the question and struggling together with half of the problems you had before has gotten to be better than struggling alone with all of them. i am blessed for the opportunity and so are the cats. i used to feel that praying for animals was silly until i went through the stress with baby, now i see that you can pray for anything that you feel is important to pray for, and if you have to pray for it, it must be important. God must smile down on me because i send up my prayers for my fosters and He answers them. if He doesn't answer them, there's a reason and i accept that all things have their time.

we eat everynight and have lots of love and warmth to give. the kittens get their needs met with me and my girls love them, and i feel like i'm really making a difference, despite my dire financial situation and sometimes lifestyle stress. so really, i'd say i'm rich. and so are my kitties.

*btw, the kitten room has improved DRAMATICALLY and i am HAPPY to announce that this season was the worst season the humane society has seen for cats in years...good! so we basically got indoctrinated in the worst season--now i know it doesn't get much worse than that. from here we can only go up. hopefully next season won't be nearly as bad*.

telling children some of the truths about life.

well of course, telling children the truth about life is a conversation that every parent should take seriously and should take careful consideration about before actually doing it. and one thing i've noticed about the conversation is that, although it is inevitable, it's almost certainly easier when you consult with God about it before you actually do it. another thing i've noticed is that, when your heart is right and the truth is in it, the words flow more easily than you can imagine, almost like it's not even you speaking.

and this is great because sometimes the conversation comes up without you really planning or expecting it.

today my oldest daughter had to be told repeatedly to clean her room. and when i was speaking to her about it, the conversation took a decidedly abrupt twist.

now it could be that i'm feeling especially blessed today after church, or that i'm simply a sensitive to the world around me type sould, but whatever the case may be, the conversation turned into a discussion on the truth about life. and i am happy that we had it.

some basic truths about life that i shared with my daughter are:

we get older every day, and we cannot regain lost time, so we must make the best of what we have

without the proper amount of education, be it formal or informal, we are doomed to live a difficult life full of ignorance and missed opportunity

even with education,l formal or informal, life is still difficult

growing up is difficult, especially during the tween and teen years (which she is entering)

peer pressure is real, and she will need to make important decisions about her friends

there are people in the world who are worse off than you are on your most worse off day

there are some people who mean you well and some people who mean you ill

you cannot let the people who mean you ill prevent you from accepting the good from poeople who mean you well

some personal truths that i shared with my daughter are (based on what i want to instill in her):

God loves each human being on this earth, even those who don't behave in the best ways

God expects us to love each other the way we love Him

God expects her to do, be and show her very best self

it is our obligation to love ourselves, each other and our planet

a woman of strength is one who is smart, generous and orderly, among other things

it is her responsibility to take care of and appreciate what she gets, regardless of the difficulty or ease it took to get it

times are becoming increasingly difficult, and the world is going through many changes

she must use what she knows in her mind to help her navigate this life

she is beautiful, smart and has the same rights as anyone else

having a right to do something does not neccessarily mean it should be done

i suppose i could go on, but some things were private mommy/daughter things that i don't have to list, as every mommy/daughter team does or will know soon enough exactly what i'm talking about (sorry daddies hehe--although many daddies do know anyway i'm sure).

the most amazing thing to me about the conversation is how easily the words flowed for me. when i was a younger parent rearing my girls i used to have small panic attacks about how i would explain certain things to them, or discuss certain topics, and to be quite honest at one point i decided that i would get others to *handle* these important parental matters for me. but as i matured more and watched them grow i realized that it was my responsibility to discuss these matters with my children because they are my children and no one else's, and what i say to them more than likely will shape the rest of their lives. i also realized that God would provide me with the voice i needed to share with them what needed to be shared, and i wouldn't be embarassed, at a loss for words, or confused. how did i know this? i could feel it inside myself, budding like a flower. i would be hit with the urge to discuss certain topics with her, or i would say to myself, "i know exactly what i'm going to tell her when she asks me this or that". it seemed like i was almost welcoming the opportunity to talk to her about life,and i was becoming excited about it! this is how i know i was changing and the voice i needed to talk to my daughter was forming within me.

every single question my oldest daughter has asked me about life thus far has been met with a sure answer from me. i haven't been afraid to share with her the truths about various things, death, friends, marriage, hurt...and the biggest obstacle for me...SEX! it never ceases to amaze me how my heart didn't jump out of my chest a single time in all of the conversations we've had, how well my words were received, and how easy it was for me to share with her my heart's desires for her. this is how i know i wasn't alone when talking to my daughter about these things.

i have never been adept at verbal communication. when i was a little girl i used to share my emotions and opinions by writing letters because it was 100% easier, an opinion that i still hold to this day. so to be able to share with her verbally and do it so fully and openly and clearly is actually a first for me as well.

i never thought i'd be thankful to God for allowing me the opportunity to share with my daughter the way my mother shared with me, but i am. i am thankful to give her these bricks for her use, and it is my prayer that with God's help she lays them in the path He wants her to follow.

i am honored to be the one He chose to hand them to her.

Jesus loves ALL of His creations, even the imperfect ones.

yes it's true. i love my american pit bull terrier, and she loves me. not only that, but Jesus loves her too. i suppose it's safe to say that Jesus loves her so much because i love her so much, although He loves all of His creation. so maybe i'm being a little siddity in saying that He loves her as much as He does because i love her as much as i do.

but at any rate, the point is, we Both love our pit bull terrier, baby. a while back i posted about her struggling with mange, and the stresses it brought to the table. well, we were still struggling so much and badly that for the first time i had considered seriously, seriously putting her down. it really came as a final decision after i got my carpets replaced, which needed to be done very badly. because of the cost (1,500.00) and the amount of physical labor it took me by myself to have them put in, i really couldn't stand to have her ruin them again.

but my heart just couldn't say yes to euthanizing my dog. so i prayed.

now some people think it's silly to pray over certain seemingly small things, but as my mom says, "if it's important enough to pray over, then it's not small." so i swallowed my anxiety and i spoke to Jesus about my problem. i prayed for a solution, and moreso than that, i prayed that He help me accept putting her down, because my heart just couldn't take it. it was probably the most emotional prayer i've had all year--i cried before, during and after my prayer. i felt like i was choosing to euthanize my best friend or a family member.

i still can't really express the pain i felt praying that prayer.

but i know Jesus heard it. and what else did He send but an answer?

two days before my carpets got done, my mother called me up. now take note that after i had said my prayer few days earlier i texted my mom and asked her to pray for me concerning the situation as well, to pray for me to have enough strength to do what was best for all parties involved.

so anywh0, my mom calls me up. and she blurts out that she'll take my dog! now i'm confused because i've had this dog for x amount of years and no one save my sister has offered to help me by actually taking her. unfortunately soon after that my sister lost her job and her apartment so that offer fell through the floor.

but i certainly was floored. my mom told me she'd take my dog and help me with her. all i had to do was buy her medicine and continue to make her meals...which i agreed to do without fail.

when i asked her what made her decide to help me she said, "i don't know. i just have been having these dreams about her and my heart is telling me not to let her get put to sleep."

funny, but that's the same exact thing both hubby and i have experienced with this dog. dreams and our hearts/intuitions/feelings telling us to keep her around. almost like God Himself is demanding she be kept alive. i pretty much listen to my heart, i don't ignore my feelings. and this dog evokes such a strong response from me emotionally--it's hard to explain but for some reason i cant let her go. she's blessed--there's a reason she's on this earth i've decided.

so my prayers were heard and answered. i was spared the pain of putting down literally the sweetest dog i've ever owned, and my carpets were spared the pain of being totally destroyed again. what a blessing huh!

to make matters better, my dog seems to be healing up super quickly. hard to explain, but i think she is allergic to carpeting. her fur is growing back in and she no longer needs to wear a tshirt around her neck *as you can see she has on in the above picture too*. this dog has been delivered from death more times than i care to count. i believe i explained her story in my last post about her so i won't repeat it, but she's a special dog. she misses me sure, but since i'm right around the c0rner from my mom i'm always in her face anyway. my sister helps me out too, so i guess it's safe to say baby has become a family dog.

and i know it's safe to say that she's loved and that Jesus loves all of His creations, even the imperfect ones.

my baby is growing up.

just three and a half short years ago, i held my newborn baby in my arms, amazed at how much like her daddy she looked, how tiny she was in my arms. i was so proud of her, to have been strong enough to hang in there with mommy during a very difficult pregnancy, one in which i feared for her life on at least three occassions.

now, my tiny baby girl has grown up into a active, rowdy three year old who still looks like her daddy, but has the round nose and eyes of her mommy... ;)

but she's growing up! and to be very honest, i'm not ready for that just yet. not right now...
.

.

.

.

ok, i'm not sure when i'll be ready for it, but i can assure you i'm not ready for it now. but despite my inability to wrap my mind around the fact that everyone grows up and my baby is no exception, she's doing just that.

she's growing up. no amount of typing that phrase out will keep her from growing up, nor will any amount of typing slow the process of her growing up.

how do i know she's growing up? well the fact that she's only three but wears a 5t is one piece of proof that she's growing up. but even more devastating than that...my baby has decided she wants to go to *gulp* school!

that horrid, terrible, six-letter word. school.

the taste it leaves in my mouth is inexplicable, and i assure you, you don't want to taste it either.

yes, my baby has decided that at the ripe old age of three point five years old, she is ready to leave the nest and enter the world of school. just to prove her point, she has demanded (and i gave in) to carrying her lunch around in a lunch box. for the past two days, i've packed up her lunch in her older sister's last year lunch box, and she has proudly and matter of factly told everyone within earshot "im goin' tuh skewl! see?!?!" as she points excitedly towards her dora the explorer metal lunch tin.

i've had to come up with 20 reasons an hour about why she actually isn't in school, but none of them satisfy her for more than 3 minutes. she's demanding to go to school, and i'm running out of reasons why she's not in school.

now she would be in an actual daycare center except that i don't approve of any daycare centers i've seen in my area over the past three years, and i refuse to take my children somewhere i don't approve of. working in that field at my last job really showed me alot of issues the state has not addressed in the way of daycare centers and i just refuse to have my baby in the middle of all that nonsense. she used to go to homecare, but it's gotten expensive, more than i can afford per week, since i lost my job. it used to cost 80.00 per week, now it's 160.00 per week for her old sitter, who is really the only person i trust with her.

so she's stuck home with me for now (not that she appreciates it, she doesn't).

i have been looking steadily for part time work, so if i'm able to find it, i probably will be able to afford to send her back to her sitter. if i don't find work, i am going to go back to school full time and she can go back to her sitter, which she'd love. then she can finally tote around her little dora lunchbox and actually be going to school (in a sense at least).

and i can be soothed somewhat. because she wouldn't be in school per se, just daycare. and because daycare isn't school exactly, only similar to school in certain ways, i can buy at least another two years of having my baby still be my baby.

smooth sailing.

I can honestly say that since I've become more serious about church, tithing,giving, helping others, Biblical studies and coming closer to God in general, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the quality of my life has improved tenfold. I no longer feel drudged down by the weight and worries of this world.

Some may have heard me say it but some may not have--this summer has been a spiritual breakthrough for me. I say this truly and sincerely. I suppose God believed that it was time for me to go to the next level in my spirituality, well I've made it there with flying colors! I can't believe how much I was missing out on concerning my relationship with Him before!

Now that I have this new relationship I pray that it doesn't dissolve, that I have the strength and faith and determination to continually walk with Him without letting the secularness of this world hold me back or cause me to second guess myself and God's love for me. Because while some people are absolutely positive there is nothing that makes them waiver in God--i've been angry with Him to the point of not even talking to Him, I've lost faith before and sometimes I've even understood the rationings of non-believers and have been struck with what I call the "What Ifs"--a period in which I question the reality of God. But I find that while the stronger I get in God the stronger the opposition gets, the easier it is for me to tackle my own doubts and insecurities and tap them down to resume my walk in, through and with Him.

I've found such a peace in my increased spirituality that I no longer get all wound up when problems come my way. I'm curbing a lot of the words coming out of my mouth and ideas coming out of my mind and I'm no longer feeling like I'm going against my own grain or what seems to be ingrained in me to the point that its simply who I am. I find that working on myself is becoming easier than ever. Its not EASY but its easier than it has ever been before for me.

I'm on my way...I am reaping the goodness of God in my life and I am bringing that goodness to and encouraging my family to find their own goodness in Him moreso than ever before. My children are developing a stronger relationship in Him as well. I can see such a marked difference in all of us in only a month, I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't experiencing it myself.

I am blessed with smooth sailing!

looking for fleas.

^Baby during one of her better moments. the cotton rag around her neck was to protect it from the elements and the collar...it was red and raw from mange, and during that time i was exercising her more often to get rid of 15 lbs of excess puppy weight!

about three years ago as i was driving to go to the store i red nosed pit bull tied to a gate, bloody, cold and hungry. it just so happened that the gate was across the street from my front door. as i drove past, i noticed the dog looked like it was waiting--patiently--for someone to come get it. figuring it must have an owner, i kept driving, but a nagging in the back of my mind prompted me to say to myself, "if it's not gone by the time i come back, i'll have to untie it."

well as it happens to be, because God seems to want me as keeper of all things needing TLC, when i got back from the store, the dog was still there, patiently waiting. i pulled over, and 6 months pregnant and wobbling...i cautiously approached the dog, noticing that it was a she and her bloodiness was not only worse than i thought, but her attitude was better than i expected. she eagerly wagged her tail at me and tried to trot on over to me, but the rope tied around her neck prevented her from taking more than a few steps.

when i realized not only was she not going to bite me, but that she appeared grateful to have me there--it dawned on me that her owner was NOT coming back for her. so i took off my gloves (it was about 11 degrees outside) and i tried to untie the knot--but it was done tight. so after at least 5 minutes of trying, i realized i couldn't get the knot undone and it was cold and i was feeling every inch of the weather. a passerby saw me struggling and she offered to help me--and for the next 10 minutes, we both struggled in the freezing cold to untie the dog.

finally we got it undone and we reviewed her injuries. to me they looked horrible, but that probably was because i was pregnant and especially sensitive to anything that looked uncomfortable. the woman asked me if i was going to try to help the dog, because she would if she could but she had no where to take her. i told her i'd take her in my house.

that was the beginning of my and the girls relationship with Baby--a red nosed badly bred but heart of gold pit bull.

now, three years later, Baby's mange, which was the cause of her distress and more than likely her owners disposal of her--is not any better. it has it's up and down (mostly down) moments and i noticed that now, she's not as positively effected by medications that she's taking for it. it's bad enough that my already badly strained pockets can't afford another bill, but what makes it worse is that i can't afford her already marked down medications (the vet marked the prices down from 130.00 a shot 2 times a month to 50.00 a dose once a day--30 day supply for me--and that is CHEAP). so i am struggling with her, badly. i wish i had a constant supply of the medicine, but because her mange (which is demodex) is so bad, he's afraid that it will be a lifetime illness, meaning a lifetime of medication.

that has me stressed.

last summer was one of Baby's better moments--she actually had about 17 fleas that nested on her. now while most pet owners despise the little nasty buggers that sap the life and blood from animals worldwide, for Baby, the presence of fleas was a great thing! she was so sick and so bad off that neither fleas nor ticks would come close to her...it was a mixture of the medication and the sickness and the stinch probably...but last summer 17 very brave little fleas decided that they would land on her and suck her blood. this summer, not a single flea is in sight...letting me know that they just don't find her appealing. letting me know that she's having a bad turn of events.

i'm still struggling with her illness--it's very bad. but it has humbled her and made her into one of the most loyal and loving dogs i have ever seen. she has a heart of gold and she smiles at the camera for pictures, despite being in pain. her vet said, "she's more even tempered than even the best pits i've seen. to be in so much pain and not so much as growl--wow what a dog!"

at one time i tried to put her down, but i couldn't bring it in my heart to do it. that was two years ago, and i still haven't done it, because of how much the kids love her, how much i love her, how much it would break us up inside to put her to sleep.

i've been through so much with this dog, i've had to pray over and for her because sometimes she gets so sick she'll stop eating and peeing...and then i feel guilty for even keeping her alive. but even if i wanted to--i can't afford the cost of putting her down. and i don't know if i could ever do that. so right now, yes i am being stingy and selfish in keeping her alive...but it's my only option as far as i can see.

she just had a bath and she's feeling much better. her skin isn't doing too good and we have no medication. when she dries completely i'll take her for a short stroll (she gets exhausted super easily and i don't like to add any extra stress on her), and i'll try to scrape her up a bone for her good attitude.

but unfortunately, there are no fleas this summer.

school's a-startin'!

the summer has gone by way too fast (which is bittersweet for me in so many ways) and now school starts officially in just two tiny days. that's also bittersweet for me...it means my girls are growing up and getting even bigger than they were, but it also means that now i get some much needed privacy and space and time to work on the business and my personal health (i've been gym-ing--will blog about that later). it means that the girls get back to their social lives with their friends, and that i can get back business with the things that need to be done.

man oh man...i am so proud of my girls, watching them grow up. and i am charging the camera so of course we can take those first day of school pictures! haha! and i have to go and purchase their lunches (awwwwwwwww). yes yes yes...i am so siked about this.

gee i love my family.

of things related and unrelated - 6/12/08

today was a much better day overall than yesterday. it was cooler, my attitude was better, and i was calmer. i thank God for answering my prayer for more patience. today i seemed to be full of it.

what goes around comes around. my sister took me to fredericks of hollywood and brought me 2 bras for 30.00 (they are having a huge sale). i have been eyeing these bras for about three days now but didn't have the money. God is good for small blessings, one of the reasons i love Him so much.

i feel that i need to be sterner on my children. they get away with things they shouldn't. when i questioned my parenting skills however, my hubby was sure to let me know in no uncertain terms that i am not a bad mother.

i am REALLY feeling lil wayne's songs lately. i am not into the whole "hard rap" thing, but he really has my head bopping and my fingers snapping. he's also making me laugh. i am really considering buying his cd. i love everything he's coming out with thus far.

my friend had an accident and crashed her van, which gets us 80 miles round trip to and from visitation using less than 1/4 of a tank of gas (a miracle). just when i think that we have a "set routine" for this prison lifestyle, it changes.

i really cannot afford 20.00 for this chinese food that we ordered. but what the hey. my kids and i deserve a treat every now and then. i hope it is as good as it sounds.

i have to buy diapers, overnight underwear, and carpet cleaner tomorrow. that should run me about 35.00. i also have to buy the dog her medication, which also will run me 35.00. that is 70.00 right there. money goes so quickly, it makes no sense.

i really love donnie mcclurkin. his songs speak right to my heart. i so love him. i thank God for him. he has gotten me through some days where i honestly thought i couldn't go any further.

i am feeling sprint. i got four free ringtones today, just for browsing the site. how cool is that? i downloaded mary j. blige, lil wayne, plies, and rick ross. yay.

i am considering investing 70.00 that i do not have for an entire body girdle that is supposed to help you lose 2 full dress sizes as soon as you put it on. i met a woman today who says they actually work. i wonder if anyone else has had experience with this.

i really do love my life. despite all it's bumps and ups and downs, God is so good to me. thank You Jesus.

momming is not easy.

it is eight o'clock in the morning and my daughters just came in from an "extended" vacation to their aunts house. now i have been very concious of being a bit more gentle with my oldest daughter, who has a slight learning disability i believe (i am also trying to get her tested, but that is proving to be VERY difficult, even with her regular pediatricians!). i have been praying over this, because i want to be remembered by my children as being a good mother, not a horrible one. sometimes it is SO difficult though when i have to repeat things to her five times in a row, or when she deliberately disobeys me simply because she doesn't want to be bothered, or when i hear her sucking in her breath and muttering little smart phrases under her tongue. she is eight years old and i am just NOT having that. and the physical absence of their dad proves to be even more difficult, as he is very gentle with the kids but stern and they follow his command like a sunflower turning to the sun. i can admit that i have been getting better with her but not better enough, and it is my fear that she will grow up thinking i love her sisters more than her. so as i mentioned, i have been more concious about this effort and i have been paying my own emotional responses to her alot more attention.

this morning they came home from their extended vacation, my eight year old banging on the door so hard she scared me and my six year old frowned up because she wanted to stay with her aunt for one more day. so i went to open the door and i DID snap, "d WHY are you banging on the door like that?!" to which she just sat there, angry and the look of sleep clouding her face. talk about a thunder cloud over the head. so for the next twenty minutes, i fussed with her because she wanted to go to school but didn't want to bathe, wanted to go to school but didn't want to eat breakfast, wanted to go to school but didn't want to put on the proper shoes.

finally, something happened. God knows my heart, so i suppose He just came on down and intervened. right before she left for school, both of our attitudes changed. i told her that i loved her, and she smiled a bright smile. she went down and ate breakfast and came back up, washed her face without having to be told, and straightened herself out for me to see. usually the huge water stain on the middle of her shirt would have bugged me, but today, it didn't matter. it's 98 degrees outside -- the stain would dry in no time. i was at peace with my baby girl, and with myself. as we drove her and the smallest baby to school (my middle baby has a day off to spend at home and with me), my heart was smiling. d jumped out the car, and i called, "i love you!" to her...she turned and smiled back and ran off to catch up with her friends.

for now, i AM playing mom and dad, in many instances, and it's very hard. but i love my kids with all my heart, and they are worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears that seem to be sucked from me at every waking chance. i'm just trying to be a better mother and person...day by day. today, God has forgiven me for what i did wrong as a mother yesterday and the day before, and let me know that i'm not the worst mom to grace the earth, not at all.