Thursday, July 31, 2008


tonight, i am SO frustrated. it's one of those nights where i just WISH...i just wish SO much...that i had everything i wanted, when i wanted it. i don't want to wait for anything. i don't want to wait for anyone. i want what i want and i want it now. today was such a great day, but suddenly, like a sudden thunderstorm, my whole mood changed. i went from just fine--to just not fine. nothing provoked it, nothing out of the ordinary happened. i was i'm not.

i want my friend to pay me attention NOW.

i want my husband to be home NOW.

i want my business to be successful NOW.

i want 1,000,000.00 NOW (i'm not greedy).

i want sex NOW.

i want a huge home in a quiet area NOW.

i am mad. i feel like a child in a toy store who can't have the toys she wants MOST.

i feel like kicking, screaming, and crying on the floor.

i am just FRUSTRATED. and i am having trouble releasing it in a healthy, sane, and safe way.

maybe tomorrow will be better.

Monday, July 7, 2008

my locs today.

today i really enjoyed my locs. i mean, i really enjoyed them.

i think this is due partly because they are finally starting to loc, without me needing to retwist them constantly. july 10th will make my locs exactly 3 months old, and yes, they ALL are quite indeed either loc'ed or well on their way to being loc'ed. as i mentioned in a previous post, my locs are now all very difficult to get out, and it's safe to say that the back is fully loc'ed up.

they are still only about 4-6 inches long, depending on the loc. some of them i have cut mercilessly because the ends are still relaxed (but can you believe that some of the relaxed parts are knotted too?!). they are really growing out nicely, finally, but my roots are super frizzy. so i am always twisting still, but it's good to be able to twist by choice, instead of HAVING to. now, i only have about 3 or so locs that are still giving me trouble (aka they are loc'ed in the middle but not on the ends nor towards the root). every other one is basically a go.

i am also starting to become more comfortable with my locs. i don't mind letting them hang or clipping them up, or putting on a pretty headscarf with them twisted into it.
i also have to admit, water in my hair is now my best friend! i LOVE to take showers and let my hair get drenched. when i wore chemicalized styles or weaves, it was my worst nightmare to have my hair get wet! now...i love, and encourage, water to get all in my hair. it feels so good, it cleanses my hair naturally, AND on top of it all, it keeps my hair soft! who woulda knew?!

well i'm off to play in my hair and get some sleep.!

i am so addicted to the website i LOVE it. i can never get enough of it.

my mailbox is always overrunning with freebies, 75% of which come in GOOD use. one time, i was super bloated and got free gas x strips...they helped. then the free snacks go on trips with the kids and i. i love the free pads, because i can stash them in my purse on the go. not to mention free bookbags, shirts, sunvisors, magnets (which hold up visit pictures from the prison beautifully on our fridge), diapers...i love it!

i suggest always using a great virus program whenever you click on the links, some sites have adware and spyware that follow you to collect information on how you like to shop online. i have never had much of a problem, but in the past had to clear one or two off my system.

also, to do this you need patience. i just spent the last 2 hours ordering about 20 new items! some sites are so cool, you wind up reviewing the entire site and you get sidetracked!

i signed up for their free email, which i love, because the guy james is so supercool, and the email has lots of useful info in it.


an easy rice recipe.

i made this haphazardly and it came out great...the kids and i ate the whole pot (my cousin helped us). i also liked it because it reminds me of my hubby and his family as well (his aunt made this for me first).

1 part rice

2 parts water

2 tablespoons margarine or butter

salt to taste

2 packets of goya adobo (the orange packet that seasons and colors food--this is to make the rice yellow)

if you prefer, you can just buy yellow rice already packaged and ready to cook. that's more expensive than just making your own yellow rice from scratch.

next comes the veggies and meats. i just cut up whatever i had on hand, like my hubby's aunt told me to do.

1/2 large bell pepper

1/2 large red onion

1/4 lb of salami cubes (ham also works, so does pepperoni. yesterday i used chiorzio (sp)...a type of spanish meat)

2 large eggs, scrambled

cook the rice as you normally would, and when it is done, mix in all of the above ingredients, cover it tightly, and allow the steam to cook the extra ingredients for 10 minutes. it will soften the veggies and meat, and bring out the flavor in the eggs.

you can serve the rice with another meat or vegetable or eat it plain (that's how we do!).

you can add or subtract as much of the ingredients as you like to suit your taste. you can also experiment with different ingredients, such as yellow onions, bean sprouts, luncheon meats, peas, garlic, red peppers, etc.).

pondering blogs.

i wonder, if you post continuously about the same thing on your blog, day in and day out, does that make you obsessive about that topic? does it make it so if some of your readers feel that you obsess over that topic, because it's all you talk about? does it change things if your blog is a "diary" type blog versus a "category specific" type blog?

i wonder, if you have a blog like mine, one with no rhyme or reason, just saying what you feel at that particular time about what's on your mind or happening in your life at that particular time, is it safe to say that your life is like that? no real rhyme or reason, just going through the days as they come, and reacting to your experiences according to the way you feel at that moment? no real "planning" or "organizing" what you're going to say? because you don't plan on your blog, is that indicative that you don't plan adequately in real life?

should you post on your blog for the pleasure of others, or yourself? if you are posting a "diary" type blog, but it has the "feel" of being more created to attract the audiences' eye, does that make your blog a sham? not authentic? does it mean that you "ramble" to cater to everyone else, versus yourself?

if you read a blog full of fancy vocabulary that's not saying a dang on thing really when all is said and done, is it safe to say the blog author is the same way? what about if a blog is relatively simple reading but it says alot? is the author like that? is it safe to say that a blogs wording is reflective of it's author? is this always the case, or just sometimes, depending on the blog/author mood? do some people make their blogs super fancily written, only to "dumb down" when they are no longer writing on their blog? do some people do the opposite? write their blogs simply enough, easy reading, but in real life are really complex people that are more complex than the most complex words and thoughts? is my blog a "baby blog" or a "big reader" blog? do i care? should i care, since this blog is my "diary" of sorts? should i want more readers, or should i just be here in my own little space, marveling that i only get about 10 hits per day, which would make my blog basically a nothing in bloggerspace?

these are just some random questions that i always think about as i read through some blogs. sometimes, i have to stay away for a few days from certain blogs (and i am not saying my blog doesn't deserve to be stayed away from--but it's MY blog so i'm here as often as i like to be) because it just seems that the message, while not always negative or positive, is always redundant, and sometimes too much of one thing isn't good. and i have to wonder about the author of those blogs. is this just an outlet to release steam built up by that particular topic, or does this topic engulf their every fiber? then in the same breath, sometimes i go to certain blogs all the time because the message IS redundant, and i feel that those blogs keep me on my toes about certain things that should be redundant in my life. they teach me alot about the same subject. i am often drawn to these blogs because i see that my real life is sorely lacking some good knowledge about the area. now the odd thing is, two blogs on the exact same topic, saying the exact same thing, can elicit totally different responses from me. one blog i can be glued to like a bee to honey, the other one, like a roach to a can of raid. and i find that odd myself, especially if the blog is talking about the same thing.

i also find it odd how some blogs emulate each other. i even asked myself, "is there some secret blogger society that i don't know about?" because some blogs seem to post about the exact same topic on the exact same days for the exact same length of time. odd. i then wonder about blogs that post daily and get no hits, and the blogs that post sometimes once every two weeks, if that, but never dissuade a pretty large reading group. i wonder about alot concerning blogs, i don't know why. should i care why? hehe. i dunno. but i do think about it. i am certain that as i become more accustomed to blogging, and am not so new to the scene, these questions will eventually dwindle.

but for now, whatever the reason (or lack of), i am always pondering blogs it seems.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

a post 4th walk down memory lane.

well, the holiday is over and i am exhausted still. and i am still at my sister's house--two full hours away from home. it's already 1, if we leave by 3, we'll be home by 5. that's good enough...because i still have to go home, clean up, get some rest for tomorrow--we are driving to see hubby tomorrow...back down this way (he's only about an hour away, depending on how you drive lol).

i enjoyed the holidays, and caught up with an old friend, that used to be the Godparent of my oldest daughter. i say "used to be" because i am not sure if she still is. how do you find out? the reason i say this, is because we were really close when she moved next to me, but when moved away, it became difficult for us to keep in touch. little money to visit, i used to call her phone but she's always been a busy bee and never around to answer...and things just sort of drifted off. but i still love her, and i do miss her. she's my sister's neighbor now, and like i said, it is 2 hours away from me. i would love to move down here when my hubby gets out of prison, but the fact that it takes money to do that, and i am struggling to get my own business down pat--*sigh*. it sounds like only wishful thinking for now. but anyway.

how do you rekindle a relationship with a friend that's "longlost", especially if this friend has a very special position in your children's lives (or at least should)? when my youngest was born, hubby was already a year into his prison sentence and had about 10 months worth of credits built up so 2 years technically almost, so i didn't have him there to help me deliver her. but i had my friend, who at that time, outside of my hubby, was my best friend. SHE saw my baby delivered, SHE caught her, and SHE helped to cut her umbilical cord. how do you top that?

just sitting here, my eyes are a bit watery thinking about it. i do miss my friend. our relationship wasn't perfect, but i do miss her. i am going to search her out for a few minutes before we leave, but for now i am wondering...exactly how do you get that back? should i write her more often (only 42 cents a letter), call her more often, even when she's busy? coming down more often is out of the question, as my van has 212,000 miles on it as is and gas is 4.00 a gallon (gotta love those honda's and hate those middle eastern oil agreements with our political powers), but there has to be a way. should i even pursue becoming her friend again? and what about the Godparent issue? is she still my children's Godparent (and i believe children can have more than one and my youngest has her aunt as her Godparent)?

i am not sure how to tackle this issue. i am going to speak to my hubby about it whenever we get talk time again (which may not be until next week thursday as it is--we are out of phone money for the week), but i would like to ponder it before then.

Friday, July 4, 2008

happy 4th of july.

happy 4th of july :) i'm off to take my girls to the 4th of july party we're having at my sister's!

ok...very bad, but i HAVE heard worse.

now, while the story is crazy and saddening, i think the worst part of the story is the last part. placed into foster care? those poor kids will never be the same...worse off than they were with their dad probably.

Father accused of caging kids in his truck
Man's explanation: He didn't have a baby sitter

POSEN, Ill. - A suburban Chicago man locked his two young daughters in a wire cage hidden in the back of his pickup truck because he didn't have a baby sitter, officials said Thursday.
Ricardo Gonzalez, 35, of Midlothian, was arrested Monday after a woman at a gas station in Posen heard a crying child and spotted him pushing small hands back into a cage, police said.

He had a wire cage behind the front seats of his truck, police said. Black-tinted windows and a large plywood board in the back window concealed it.Gonzalez told police he used the cage because he didn't have a baby sitter. He also said he wanted to control the girls, ages 2 and 5, so they wouldn't run away. Police said the girls did not live in the cage.

Gonzalez will appear in court July 31 on charges of misdemeanor child endangerment. Cook County prosecutors were exploring Thursday whether the charge could be upgraded to a felony.
A telephone listing for Gonzalez could not be found, and it was not clear whether he had an attorney.

The children were turned over to the state child welfare agency and placed in foster care Monday.

Agency spokesman Kendall Marlowe said the department was investigating abuse allegations against the father. It had previously found the mother neglectful and provided unspecified "supportive services" to the family.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

mission: complete.

well, today the kids wound up waking up before 11:30, so we went on to the science center. it was super nice and we spent 4.5 hours there, taking it all in. since our passes are free for the entire summer, we'll be going back there again next week, probably tuesdayish or so. they really enjoyed themselves, and imagine the baby's surprise when she saw a fish bigger than her staring her straight in the face! she jumped up and ran to his tank and slapped on it, so excited she could hardly contain herself! the fish, on the other hand, seemed only mildly interested in her, and lazily scooted to the other side of his tank.

off to bed now, tomorrow is the 4th and we have a pool party/crab fest to attend! yay! i'm gonna get good sleep now hehe :)

what you miss out on when you don't get good sleep.

well, the kids and i were supposed to head on out to the science center today, but uh...well...they're still sleeping! and because i wanted to catch up on my home-based business idea...i am sort of wanting them to stay sleeping. i told them that if they weren't in the bed by a certain time last night, and didn't wake up early, that i was NOT waking them up. well instead of going to bed, they wanted to play alllllllll night long until i had to MAKE them go to bed...hence it being a quarter to eleven and they are still KNOCKED out!

well i am going to dry some laundry, and if they wake up before twelve thirty, we'll slide in 4 hours of science center experience. if not...we can always go on monday, because tomorrow is one of my very favorite holidays--the fourth of july! yay!

the best thing about this trip is that it's free! we get free passes for the entire summer from the science center, so admission for up to twelve of us is free everyday except for special events. we WILL be making good use of these passes--frugal momming at her best!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

broadening my circle.

it's been two days since i've decided to "broaden my circle" of knowledge, information, social life, conversation, etc. etc. and so far, i don't like the results i'm getting.

granted, it is not safe to be so boxed in your own little world that you don't have a CLUE about the real world or other people's little worlds. but i can honestly say, that only after 48 hours, i am already remembering why i narrowed my world so much in the first place.

i am a very sensitive person, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. and honestly, this whole "circle widening" thing has me stressing already. last night i fell asleep worrying about issues that i wouldn't have ever worried about had i not read the latest headline news. questions like, "am i too hard on barack obama?" "will they ever lower inmate calls in america so we can afford to talk to our loved ones?" "will gas prices ever go lower" "God help those who lost their homes today" "is the stock market crashing lower than my momma's basement?" "will my momma's basement be ok if some weather catastrophe should befall us?" "can i get water and rice in my momma's basement anyway?" "is my husband living in at least somewhat sanitary conditions in the prisons (he'll tell me ANYTHING to keep me from stressing)?" "what good are all these coalitions and organizations and committees doing for blacks, latinos, even whites who are in need of help?" "where are all these little kids getting these damn guns from?" "when my husband is released from prison, will we be able to live without fear from police or old ways coming back to haunt him?" "is there anything i can do about all of this?" "what the hell am I going to do about all of this?!"

honestly, the news and broadening my circle causes anxiety to build deep inside the pit of my stomach. now as a Christian, i'm not supposed to be afraid. i know this. but sometimes, i have to just take a deep breath and try to calm my own nerves because if i don't, i'll lose it. i look at my children, i look at my husband, i look at myself, i even look at my pets. they all depend on me. i need to know how to be strong in the face of adversity for them. i stress about my husband coming home to this world. i stress about the police harassing him, i stress about the streets inviting him, i stress about his own weaknesses taking over. sometimes i do this even when i KNOW God is here for us. i don't know why. i don't know if it's the humanness in me taking over, i don't know what it is. but i feel the world is starting to spin wildly out of control, and sometimes i feel like we are all going in different directions with no real unity anywhere. and that--is stressful.

this is why i prefer the four walls of my home as opposed to the outside world. this is why i am content never watching tv--EVER. this is why i am so "out of the loop" politically, socially, and even mentally i suppose. because it stresses me out to take a chance and put my feet onto a different soil in an effort to explore.

it doesn't SCARE me. it STRESSES me. there's a difference. but either way, the results that i get when i broaden my circle are not good.

but then again, maybe that stress is something that i need to be able to get off my hiney and do more than just care for my family and household. maybe i need to be stressed, because a certain amount of stress is good, right? maybe i can take this stress and do something MORE for the world and not just my immediate concerns. and as long as i know God has my back, i can handle whatever comes my way.

i'm going to keep broadening my circle. even if it's just one news headline, group discussion, or google search (instead of 10) at a time.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

that daggone treadmill

i am SO wishing i would have brought that gym membership. *sigh*. i keep revisiting this topic because UGH! i want to get some exercise. hmph! and it's really on my mind. now wait until i get the card--i'm probably never gonna get on the treadmill.

"if i am not good to myself, how can i expect anyone else to be good to me?" ~maya angelou

of things related and unrelated - 7/1/08

i have a really bad cold, and now i'm getting an earache. i am going to force myself to go to the's been literally years since i've had an ear infection.

in an effort to expand my horizons/borders/mindset more, i've decided to add a google newsreel to my blog. that way, when i view it, i can also view current stories. i am doing this because i don't watch tv nor do i ever read the news. one time there was a main water break in the city and i didn't find out until a week after it happened. people went without water for five days--i had NO clue. not good.

advil pm really, REALLY works. i use my coupons of course and get a bottle worth 5.00 for about 0.80, so of COURSE it's worth it to me! but it really works...and if i say that, it's good! because i have an extremely high pain tolerance, so most regular medicines and doses don't work well for me.

adopt a soldier! i adopted one, and he hasn't written me back. it's a little wierd writing and mailing off letters when you aren't sure that they reach their destination. in my mind, i imagine them going on a journey and winding up in some far off land that i'll never get to see. a little bit wierd, but hey. the instructions say to keep writing, even if you don't recieve a respons. and they aren't coming back to they are going somewhere.

blogs on racial justice and racism and american politics really have me questioning some of my prior beliefs. i guess you can say that i grew up pretty sheltered or something because i have yet to experience racism on some of the both subtle and grand scales that i am reading about, despite being a black woman. my mom says that i probably had no clue when it was staring me in the face. at this time, i am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

i've decided to get a dyson, and not a kirby. i've also decided to hold off on replacing the carpet in the living room until i see how well (or not well) the dyson works for us. whatever i can do to save money, i'm all for.

lately we've been cooking, and cooking good meals at home. i might be the next emeril.

i am still feeling lil' wayne. i heard his entire CD, and i love it. of course i have no real clue about "hip hop" and what not, i am really commercial in a sense...but i still am snapping my fingers and clicking my heels to the beat (he is my guilty pleasure).

for some odd reason, our pit-bull isn't reacting as well to the ivermectin drops this time around as she usually does. i'm not sure if it's the humidity, or the being in the house so much, or what. but i expected a way better improvement than i've been getting from the medicine.