spring is here!

so, spring is here, and i couldn't wait to get back to blogging for some odd reason. maybe it's because everything is so new and it's a time to start over, or maybe it's because the longer and sunnier days have my disposition feeling cheery, or maybe it's just because i've missed my blog. at any rate, it's spring and i am happy to be blogging lol.

this year has been a blessing as always, and even through the struggles ive been having with my family and individually, we are still immensely blessed. ecobaby is growing taller every day and now sports a headfull of soft, curly locks! she has fully benefitted from mommy's breastmilk--my only regret is that i stopped her at 1 year instead of continuing on. however, it was becoming extremely difficult for me to produce milk even with fenugreek supplements, so i'm just thankful to have been able to give her nearly a year's worth of milk. with 6 pearly whites to show with every smile, she is now beyond walking to running and getting into everything, and keeping mommy, daddy and siblings diligently on our toes.

our oldest daughter is struggling in school. she is a very social creature, and has allowed her social life override her education, which has resulted in her grades slipping and her mouth getting her in trouble more often than not. as of a few weeks ago, she was actually in danger of repeating 6th grade. due to behavioral issues that have been professionally addressed, her struggles are a bit more intense than they would be under normal circumstances, so it is pretty much a critical situation with her. i am revamping the way that i approach this situation with her, because not only was my previous way of dealing with these difficulties counterproductive to her, they were also counterproductive to my family and i. we are now in a very delicate and very difficult to navigate position, but i am learning patience and to watch what i say and do with her, and it has been helping out. step by step, day by day, and some days seem slower than others, but looking back, i do see changes happening. i am continuing to pray over the situation, and i am continuing to look for Jesus' hand to guide us through.

our ten year old daughter has also been struggling a bit in school, but that's mainly due to laziness on her behalf, and a penchant for drawing and artwork that is overtaking a penchant for listening to the teacher. she absolutely loves her drawing and artwork, and lately her masterpeices have been not only taking over her world, but they've taken over ours as well! artwork all over the bedroom, all over my kitchen table, stuffed in every pocket of her bookbag. this is a passion gone awry, one that we have spoken about, and that she has promised to reign in just a bit. but by no means am i stopping her...we have the next picasso on our hands, believe me as i type it!

our 6 year old is progressing along very well. now more than halfway through kindergarten, she is finally taking to school, and got all a's and b's this marking period, an improvement from all b's and 1 c last marking period. because this is her first full year of school, her teacher is very pleased with her progress. she was struggling with letter recognition, but with the help of outside resources and learning books gifted to us from my mother, a retired teacher, she is coming along beautifully. i am especially pleased because she had such a difficult time adjusting to prek that i not only took her out of prek, but i was dreading kindergarten. but she's taking to it like a fish to water. this serves as a lesson for me never to underestimate my parenting skills. i went against my better judgement by sending her to school before i felt she was ready; now i am relieved to see that taking her out and keeping her home was a good move on my behalf. mornings are still a struggle for her, as she's not too thrilled with waking up so early, but once we get the ball rolling, everything is all good!

my husband is also doing well. although he has not gotten a permanent position anywhere as of yet, that is something for our prayer life, something that we are trusting God about. i would be afraid for us, but fear is not of God. so i have no place for it in my life or heart. i am happy to say that my husband has completed a 21 day fast (not perfectly, but he kept getting back up and going right back on the fast, and i can say his slip ups were unintentional. one meal he ate had bread in it and he didnt know)! i am so proud of him--and i do believe we were mightily blessed by his endeavor. he was saved in may of 2011, so that was a huge step for him. we are doing better than ever on our marital journey, keeping God first and allowing everything to fall into place. i'll be blogging more about this journey as time goes on.

now for me! whew. where to begin? i am teeter tottering on everything it seems. my weight, my thyroid, my studies, everything...even my blogging. i dont want to turn this into a pity party where i kick my own back in...but i am not happy with my progress on anything. another reason for blogging. to help me keep myself on track with the goals that i have in life. my life is so packed and so busy, that i deserve this to not only share myself and what i have to offer, but to help me keep myself on track, and get encouragement. which makes me even more fully welcome the spring and be happy it's here! a new season, a new beginning, and a new attitude!

something's gotta give.

my brain is 100% fried. i mean...totally.

ive been experiencing a series of spiritual attacks lately, stemming from i believe a debate with a few atheists i had about a month ago on a website that, ironically, has nothing to do with religion (or lack thereof).

for me, having an attack is a mixture of events. sometimes i get bad migraines, misplace things, find myself easily agitated at everything the children do, have bad dreams, forget important events or details...

this time around, its all of that and then some. today i forgot the passwords to EVERY website i visit on the internet. its taken me more than a few hours to either remember them or reset the passwords because i just forgot totally. i also have a huge migraine and my brain is just on overload. ive been having these odd dreams and im having trouble remembering names, ideas, and even words i want to use when conveying ideas. at random times ive experienced utter and complete sadness at certain events or happenings in society. i will also admit, ive been struck with bouts of what i call faith doubt. wondering if what i believe is accurate, true, or sensible.

for me, this is nothing unexperienced before. as a naturally emotional, intuitive person, i rarely allow myself to "experience" society because i tend to internalize everything. because i dont like to bring attacks of the spirit on myself, i try to limit my interactions with certain personalities as well as social media outlets.

these attacks when i engage heavily in theological debate, as i said before. and it's what i've been doing alot lately.

but something new is happening this time. out of every spiritual attack, i have a huge amount of spiritual growth it seems. ideas and thoughts just come bursting forth, and i obtain more courage to speak exactly whats on my mind. ive never experienced this before.

im also "feeling something in the air". i cant put it any other way, but around the internet and in my personal life, im hearing other Christians speaking of the same thing--so it cant just be me going through this. i feel like something is going on, and honestly, in a way ive never experienced before, i am looking forward to the return of Christ. it is almost shocking to even myself because i never thought id be excited for the events of the world to unfold as they are. i used to laugh at those in Christ who expressed excitement at the future, thinking they were a little less than sane. now i find myself in the boat with them!

add to this all that my mind is overrun with the desire to learn new things and start ideas ive been harboring for a long time, and i honestly feel a bit like im going crazy. ive been reading books like a mad person, trying to soak up all of the earthly knowledge that i can. im thinking of new ideas and its really like a part of my brain has been opened up, and im really out of sorts with the whole thing.

something's gotta give.

my senses are on overload.

am i the only one??? or are there other people going through the same thing i am going through???

should Christians celebrate halloween?

this question has been plaguing me for many years, namely since i've had children. as a Christian, i always want to walk in the ways established by God, doing as He requires Christians to do, and not as i want...or doing as i want, so long as it's according to His will.

but i have to admit, i have never reached a conclusive, decisive or even satisfactory answer, even though i've researched the question and potential answers many times. so it's left me sort of scrambling last minute to decide what to do concerning the celebration of holidays, namely halloween.

why am i confused only about the celebration of halloween?

well for me, i can't even fully answer that question without confusing, or even contradicting, myself. the only thing about the holiday that i can really put my finger on that would keep the question alive of whether or not Christians (and moreso--my family and i) should celebrate halloween is that fact that i always feel something eerily sinister about the holiday when it comes around.

but that's all that i get. this odd feeling that there's something about halloween that i shouldn't be celebrating. i've had this feeling since i was young (about 7) or so, i think it stemmed from the fact that halloween always frightened me in one way or another as a child (i remember being the mad hatter from alice in wonderland--a scary childhood story in and of itself but more on that another day--and i was terrified of the costume. and then my mom dressed me up as a cinderella one year and when i looked at the eye holes in the mask i freaked out because it was so scary looking). but regardless of why or how the feeling came to be an innate part of me is irrelevant, the point is, it's there and it's never left. but even still, i can't figure out why as an adult i am still so murky on the answer to this question.

add this (the fact that i really don't know why i should or shouldn't be celebrating halloween) to the fact that the girls' school always celebrates it in a harmless and even fun way, and i'm stuck every year begrudgingly celebrating halloween with my children...even if just by giving out candy to the neighborhood children.

so i decided to end the confusion once and for all this year (after i've already determined that my children will not celebrate halloween--but not for reasons one might think--they're actually on punishment, so i was able to use that as the "excuse", but i'm even questioning the correctness of my motive and actions in this case too) by researching and finding answers to the question from different sources.

one of my favorite sites answers the question this way, and explains the origins of halloween here, and good old fashioned wiki says this about the origins of halloween.

now while according to everything i've read, the ultimate decision of whether or not to celebrate halloween is left up to the individual, there were some key points that stood out to me that made my thoughts concerning the question a bit easier:

"The ancient Celts believed that the border between this world and the Otherworld became thin on Samhain, allowing spirits (both harmless and harmful) to pass through. The family's ancestors were honoured and invited home while harmful spirits were warded off. It is believed that the need to ward off harmful spirits led to the wearing of costumes and masks." -wikipedia.org

"Bonfires played a large part in the festivities. All other fires were doused and each home lit their hearth from the bonfire. The bones of slaughtered livestock were cast into its flames.[6] Sometimes two bonfires would be built side-by-side, and people and their livestock would walk between them as a cleansing ritual." -wikipedia.org

*i have to take note here...the whole bonfire ritual sounds like a mimicing of the animal sacrifices done in the Old Testament*

"Another common practice was divination, which often involved the use of food and drink." -wikipedia.org

"Trick-or-treating resembles the late medieval practice of souling, when poor folk would go door to door on Hallowmas (November 1), receiving food in return for prayers for the dead on All Souls Day (November 2). It originated in Ireland and Britain,[19] although similar practices for the souls of the dead were found as far south as Italy." -wikipedia.org

with that being said, and the fact that the Bible is specifically against divination, inviting spirits (demons) within one's environment, and casting/psychics/witchcraft/sorcery/etc., and all of these things are in some way, shape or form associated with halloween, i believe that i am correct in the belief that i should NOT be celebrating halloween.

and i don't believe that i need to "replace" halloween with a celebration of another type. for me, i'd rather my family just avoid the whole scenario altogether.

now this is just my belief, i say that every Christian should come to the conclusion of whether or not to celebrate halloween by reading the information available on the topic and then consulting with God on the final matter.

gee, that was easier than it's ever been in the past.

now that i've answered this question which has been hounding me for quite some time, the best action to take with my children is just explain to them why we don't celebrate it anymore, and then simply not celebrate it. for the last few years, i haven't allowed my children to go to school for the halloween celebration, but i think it's time to get a tad bit stricter on the reasons why.

i suppose it won't be that easy, but that's my final answer and i'm sticking to it.

19 things i like about the duggar family.

during my spiritual journey these past couple of weeks, it was revealed to me that one of the things preventing me from continuing up my spiritual ladder to the position i should be in is the fact that i am not humble enough. so i pondered this dilemma of mine, mainly because i'm not exactly sure if i understand the definition of humilty. after spending much time looking up acts of humility and lessons on humility taught by Jesus Christ, i sort of kind of grasp the idea of humility better, and after much prayer and talking with the Father, i even see in myself where i do indeed need to become a more humble person. and i have been striving diligently over these past few days to become more humble.

it "just so happens" that i've also been watching more television lately. i am not sure if this stems from my search for humility in a world that's not so humble *and what better place to see how unhumble the world is than tv?*, or if it stems from the fact that i haven't been feeling my greatest *more on that later*...but whatever the case may be, i have found myself to be this learning-to-be-humble couch potato.

so while flipping haphazardly through the television stations at 3am four nights ago, i came across the television show on tlc "19 and counting", the reality show about jim bob and michelle duggar, a married couple with 19 children. i watched the show mainly because it piqued my curiosity, and i didn't think much of it...they seemed like an ok enough couple and that was it.

it "just so happens" *it's amazing how God works*, that the next day, i caught myself watching not one, but another two episodes of 19 an counting, and this time i had more time and inclination to actually pay this family attention.

and i came to the startling conclusion that i actually admire the duggars very much, and how i am becoming more humble by forming my own opinions of people and situations instead of relying on the opinions of others and the media to shape mine for me.

so, because i actually like the duggars that much, despite some of the not-so-nice things i've read about them, i've decided to make a like of 19 things that i really admire about the duggars, just from what little i know about them *and trust me, i will be watching them daily now*:

1. they have home church, and do not attend "formal" church services *more on that another day*.

2. their children play instruments.

3. their children are very well disciplined.

4. their house is very clean.

5. jim bob and michelle clearly love each other.

6. their ideals are in alignment with each others, and none of them "force" themselves on anyone else, they are who they are and it works out beautifully.

7. they do alot of community work.

8. michelle homeschools all of her children, and makes it look easy.

9. they eat pretty healthy foods, for the most part.

10. they have 5 acres of farmland.

11. before they became "famous", their family was well in tact and in order, despite jim bob making an average salary and michelle not working.

12. michelle is a sahm *woohoo!*

13. their children are actually cute.

14. they stick to their belief systems, no matter what others think or say.

15. they have never used welfare to support their children *not that i am against welfare, more on that another day*

16. michelle still has a great shape to have delivered 19 children.

17. they utilize technology PROPERLY...for education, not recreation.

18. they utilize the knowledge of the people they meet.

19. they live a relatively simple life, without the clutter of too much modernism.

it's already humbling to see how my own mindset is formed when i don't allow others to infiltrate my thoughts *i was surprised at how much i allow that*, how much in common i have with other people, to recognize that i'm not above or below anyone, and to realize just how much alike people really are.

church issues.

so, i've decided to leave my church. this decision came after much prayer and meditation, and an experience that only the Holy Spirit Himself could have taken me through.

i am a non-denominational Christian, and i like that just fine. however, because there are almost no non-denominational churches in my community *and NO orthodox Christian churches*, i have to take my pick from what i have to choose from...the typical conglomerate of church choices: baptist, catholic, COGIC, episcopalian, methodist, pentecostal, reformation, etc. so of the choices i had, i decided to attend an AME church, or african methodist episcopal church. one of the deciding factors in my choice was the fact that the church is literally around the corner and one day while going past i saw a few of it's members chatting outside and they seemed really friendly. after about 3 months of visiting i decided to join the church because well...God hadn't told me NOT to join the church.

i don't think.

now i'll admit, i don't always have the best ears when it comes down to listening to The Father. if i did, i wouldn't be in half of the crap i'm in, and always praying and thanking Him crazily when He throws one down *while rolling His eyes at me no doubt* for me to catch and hold on to. so it wouldn't be a surprise to me if God had said, "don't join that church!" and i totally brushed His Voice off as a figment of my imagination.

so let's just say that either way it goes, i didn't get the message NOT to join the church. but two sunday's ago i was preparing to go to Sunday Service and as i walked towards the front door to go to the car, something told me to leave the children home. so i told them they weren't going *to which they actually were bummed about*. after taking off their clothing and settling them down *my bf was there to watch them because we all go to church together*, i decided to head back out the door. as i neared the door, a sudden depression came over me. like a huge wave, it just washed down my entire body, and i heard my heart tell me "don't go to church today!". me, ignoring the feeling *which i now believe was God*, went towards the car anyway. i got in, and i was feeling so sad and down, out of nowhere, that i started to cry. i pulled out of the parking spot and as i neared the church, my chest felt compressed, and i had to catch my breath! i was having an anxiety attack over going to church. i tried to look for a parking spot next to the church, but my body wouldn't even let me park the car...i just couldn't bring myself to stop and look for a space to park! after about a minute of this i was so flustered and upset i drove straight to my mom's house, in tears, shaking and praying. she calmed me down and suggested we visit another church, to which i readily agreed. immediately my spirit calmed down, my anxiety went away and i felt better.

now, i'm trying to pinpoint where things went wrong in my church life, but it's very hard to find out when, where, and most importantly, what happened.

all was going well for a year, until i decided to be the director of the children's ministry, or the ypd department. now taking on this leadership role seemed easy enough, i'm pretty good with children and my teaching skills, while not the best, aren't the worst.

let's just say that i was NOT a happy camper within 3 months of taking on the role as ypd director.

being in this position requires the director to meet with "sister" churches for "connectional" purposes. the idea is that these historically black churches will keep their power and stay in alignment with the will of God by keeping in touch with each other and supporting each other. so in essence the ame is a network of sister churches that is run in an hierarchal manner by higher ups, preachers, elders, and at the highest rank is the bishops and council of bishops or whatever.

the ame church, in my opinion, has developed over the years into nothing more than a scam, with a group of testa-liars as it's head. it is only a matter of time before the breakdown of this particualar church system becomes universal in my honest to goodness opinion.

now i know every church has a bit of satan in it, and many churches have a lot o' satan in them. but the ame church is a hotbed for what i call subtle satanic activity (you know how satan isn't always in your face with it, sometimes that lil nukka likes to be so subtle that you have to wonder is it even him)...mainly because it's system is set up more like a secular system than any other church system i have ever run into.

the ame's are a very "social" people--there is a social scale of importance, and if you aren't at the top of the food chain, what's your name again??

the ame's are very ehh..."adamant" about "their" way. they tend to try and "brainwash" the younger generations by "teaching" them that the ame is "the way to go". now i wouldn't have a problem with this, except that i am not into teaching my children that any particualar denomination is better than another for the simple fact that i am a non-denominational Christian and i believe that denominations as a whole add to the breakdown that we see in the church community and much of our walk with God.

the ame's are a very...financially "savvy" people. aka they take from the smaller churches to take care of the larger churches. so your church can be direlectic and absolutely falling apart, but if you want to be a part of the larger connectional ame community--well then you'd better get out a checkbook. and guess what? the bishop drives a 100,000.00 car and will charge you 2,000.00 to "grace" your church with his presence.

the ame's are also a very...flashy people. never before have i ever seen so many electronic Bibles, fur coats and high heels on 80 year olds at a service, and i'd be flabbergasted *if i expected any better of them* at the fact that very few ame's actually carry bonafide book-form Bibles to services and events.

now don't get me wrong...there are quite a few God fearing and loving Christians within the ame community, the pastor of my ame is definitely a man of God, and he is really asking me to at least attend the Sunday Services because he doesn't want me to be without the Word of God. i am thinking he is right, and i do want to attend, but i really don't want anything to do with the ame church as a whole. but it's a shame how black people in today's society have taken a very honest and well meaning idea for the black church and turned it into the devil's stomping ground with a bunch of riff raff and foolishness, money focusing and social ladder climbing.

so, with all of that being said, i am left back at square one of finding a church. for now i am going to continue at my church as a "guest", mainly because the pastor has personally asked me to return as well as the congregation it seems. but i don't believe it's a permanent choice, mainly because of my experience two Sundays ago and after constant prayer, i do believe God has told me i'm released from that particular place.

on another note: it is very hard for most of us Christians who don't have a church home to find one in these times, it seems. i am not the only Christian i know looking for a church home--there are at least 3 other Christians i talk to on a daily basis that have the same problem that i'm having. what is a Christian to do without a church home?!

finding my divine purpose.

i had a conversation with hubby last night in which i asked him to pray for me to find my divine purpose on this earth. lately i have been hearing the word preached and taught and spoken about on this subject. and for about a year now, i have been asking God to reveal to me what my divine purpose is--what is it that He wishes me to do to advance His Kingdom.

while i believe i am there, i am now feeling pretty stumped about how to go about it. i know that it is in the realm of women, health, self-improvement...that area...but i am not sure exactly what it is i should be doing, it doesn't seem to be gelling together.

or maybe it is and i'm blind to it? i've started my own business, and it's on spiritual hold, and i believe it's a part of my divine gift...and i am starting a women's group as well. it all feels so right but it looks so wrong.

so i asked my hubby to please pray for me, that i hear His voice concerning this matter and that i make no mistake about it.

it seems that it's so easy for some people to find their purpose and they just "do" it. in the Bible there are the stories of Tabitha and Rahab, and Ruth and Hannah and all of the other women who just seemed to "do it". i know it wasn't that easy for them, but it just seems that way. i don't want to compare or complain so i won't...

for now, i said maybe i could gift away my great abigail sea salt sachets to those who could really use a break. i have enough for about 10 bags or so, they don't have to be fancied up, but just bagged in a brown paper bag and handed out to those who need them *and who doesn't?! lol*. they are the perfect end to a crazy day, and i love the way they smell. by far they are my favorite sachets and i love Abigail's story *which can be found in 1 Samuel 25*.

maybe this isn't the right approach, but i feel like i'm not giving enough, my divine purpose is being sorted out, and it's making me crazy! i never thought i'd say that, "i feel like i'm not giving enough", but most certainly, it is how i feel. :(

maybe i'll feel better about this once my volunteer opportunity starts up, which should be within the next 2 weeks or so.

i hope i get my purpose down pat soon. *sigh*

a new day.

i was able to move my blog to a new email address *one that i actually use* and save my blog. i was a little nervous at first with switching it and then i got very nervous when i had to hit the delete button permanently on my old blogger account. i figured that by some stroke of pure harassment from the devil, my blog would have deleted itself. but it's up and it's safe and sound, i have a new email address and it's all good! yay!

today was my second official service with my new female pastor at my church. well i and other members of our church hope she'll be our permanent pastor. right now it's 50/50, but she says she's praying to stay, and we're praying to keep her. although i am non-denominational, i go to a methodist church, and one of their protocols for the church is to switch pastors as needed. the main reasons being another church in need of a new pastor or a church starting out needing strengthening. so out of the blue, our presiding elder decided that our pastor was needed at another church, and we were left without a pastor. so in the interim, we were placed with a female pastor. now i won't lie, both services this woman had me in tears, what she preached was so simple, yet true. today i was so choked up and just full of the Word that i had to catch my breath more than once.

i will admit, it's taking some getting used to, seeing as she's the only female pastor, she's not married, and there are no reverends or bishops etc. residing in the church.

this shepard is definitely a feminine female heading a flock. albeit a small flock but we are a flock nonetheless.

i am so excited for her and for myself, because honestly i feel that because of her age, knowledge and ability she will help our church reach new heights, especially with the young. but i've had all male pastors for as long as i can remember and it's like wow--really a change.

but God tells us that we must be willing to accept change, to go with the flow, and to be willing to accept Him and His Word in many forms.

like anything new, it will take some getting used to her. but i have a feeling that when the time comes to switch pastors again, our congregation will be very sad to see her go.

smooth sailing.

I can honestly say that since I've become more serious about church, tithing,giving, helping others, Biblical studies and coming closer to God in general, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the quality of my life has improved tenfold. I no longer feel drudged down by the weight and worries of this world.

Some may have heard me say it but some may not have--this summer has been a spiritual breakthrough for me. I say this truly and sincerely. I suppose God believed that it was time for me to go to the next level in my spirituality, well I've made it there with flying colors! I can't believe how much I was missing out on concerning my relationship with Him before!

Now that I have this new relationship I pray that it doesn't dissolve, that I have the strength and faith and determination to continually walk with Him without letting the secularness of this world hold me back or cause me to second guess myself and God's love for me. Because while some people are absolutely positive there is nothing that makes them waiver in God--i've been angry with Him to the point of not even talking to Him, I've lost faith before and sometimes I've even understood the rationings of non-believers and have been struck with what I call the "What Ifs"--a period in which I question the reality of God. But I find that while the stronger I get in God the stronger the opposition gets, the easier it is for me to tackle my own doubts and insecurities and tap them down to resume my walk in, through and with Him.

I've found such a peace in my increased spirituality that I no longer get all wound up when problems come my way. I'm curbing a lot of the words coming out of my mouth and ideas coming out of my mind and I'm no longer feeling like I'm going against my own grain or what seems to be ingrained in me to the point that its simply who I am. I find that working on myself is becoming easier than ever. Its not EASY but its easier than it has ever been before for me.

I'm on my way...I am reaping the goodness of God in my life and I am bringing that goodness to and encouraging my family to find their own goodness in Him moreso than ever before. My children are developing a stronger relationship in Him as well. I can see such a marked difference in all of us in only a month, I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't experiencing it myself.

I am blessed with smooth sailing!

why...

do atheists seem to love to attack Christians (both overtly and subtly), yet they seem to be docile around believers of other religions? it just seems so one sided and lopsided.

lately i've been dealing with some atheist conversation, and although it's civil for the most part, there are alot of subtle attacks towards Christians, even when the Christians aren't attacking the atheists (not even subtly). now i could be wrong, being as i'm Christian, and biased. but i've stepped away from the conversation and went back to it, only to realize that no...we are not attacking them.

i've been to forums where there are a wide variety of religions, and in every debate, the ones who get trashed the most are the Christians. the ones who get the least respect for their beliefs are the Christians. i have to ask, is this because Christians make up a majority of the group, is it because atheists have a thing for Christians moreso than any other religion, or is it for a reason totally unrelated?

i also notice that atheists dig up more "ammo" to use against Christians than any other group. i don't see them digging around for the most minute details of other religions to use in debate. i don't see them picking apart the Koran as much as the Bible, i don't see them taking issue with Buddah as much as Jesus.

not that i am overly concerned with this, but it's just something I'VE noticed. again, i could be wrong and i make no claims to a scientific study about this.

just wondering what IS it about us Christians that rubs them so badly?

The Maker's Diet.

this book is an excellent read, even for those who are not neccessarily religious but want to change the way they view their food and eating habits, and for those who want to change their way of life and eat healther, get in shape and be better for it.

i got so excited towards the end of The Maker's Diet that i went on a binge and threw away half of my kitchen. i don't really regret it--one read and you'll feel bad for eating non-organic, and feeding it to your kids, if you have any.

this book also made me revamp my mindset that i had about food before, as viewed in this post. not that i was wrong before, but i'd say more ignorant. there was a response given also to my post that i didn't quite "get" back then, but i get it now--thanks to the person that wrote me that post! now i see why pork is bad for you as well as other foods, and i understand that God's rules concerning food did not change. the only thing that did change is that now, eating whatever you want isn't a sin, but the bad for you foods still remain bad for you. you just won't go to hell for eating them.

i've decided to switch us over to a 50% minimum organic diet. this includes all dairy, fruits and vegetables. i'm aiming for all organic meats, but thus far those are expensive. for now i just try to get meats raised and prepared in the most natural, humane ways.

but what an excellent read it is...i got my copy for 99 cents off ebay *now you really didn't think i'd purchase this sucker for 15.00 new right?!* however, i've read in various places online that the author of this book, Jordan Rubin, offers free copies to those who are in financial straights but wish to obtain the information he provides.

i personally love the book. it's not gimmicky or weird and the rules really are simple and common sensical. of course those who aren't spiritually inclined will scoff at the more spiritual side of the book. and that's just fine. the rest of us appreciate his words and his relationship with God--i personally cried during a few pages.

we are making the transition to a naturally healthy lifestyle with this book and a few other resources i've obtained over time, and to be honest it's much easier than i imagined it'd be. i'm happy i'm doing it--my kids love organic 1% milk just as much as regular whole milk and the prices (which i'll blog about after my first full organic shopping experience coming up) thus far don't seem to be abnormally out of range. i paid 4.19-4.59 for a gallon of hormone/antibiotic laced milk, and now i pay 4.99 for a gallon of certified organic milk. well worth the extra few cents for the better health and piece of mind. now i feel guilty if i even think about getting my kids non-organic milk--like i'm purposefully giving them hormones and antibiotics in every cup of milk. we've even started on organic sugar (2.50 for 1.5 pounds). and that's not any fault at all of The Maker's Diet, i've been feeling this guilt trip rising in the back of my throat for a few weeks now!

i'm going to complete the book again and then just start the diet (which comes in three different phases and levels), but i'm already eating better after the first read. now i know that there's a possibility that what we eat isn't as organic as it could be, even if it's stamped by the usda as organic, but i can taste the difference in the milk that we drink now, and i can taste the difference in the sugar and the vegetables. the flavors are smoother, more robust. i noticed the milk tastes creamier and lighter. the vegetables have a sweeter, stronger taste. so i don't know if it's psychological or what, but so far we're enjoying it and i figure it has to have LESS chemicals in it than non-organic, which is always a start.

i didn't forget!

i didn't forget about my beautiful blog, i promise. there's been alot going on but i still have no computer and am trying to figure out exactly how to blog from my cell phone.

for now i will say this...

spiritual warfare is a very real phenomenon and so worth looking into. i have been growing in my spirituality and facing some difficult, metamorphosis like times, and now i notice that i am beginning to second guess, question, cry, worry...things that are so unlike me.

i know this is an attack on who i am, my spirit and all that i stand for and aspire to be, for myself, my family and my God.

but i know what i am facing; i am prepared to battle.

i'll return, just wanted to let my blog know i didn't forget about it--i think about it more than anything else when i need to express myself.

Leah, Rachel and the slave ship Trouvadore.

i was reading my Bible yesterday because i had to do some research for work...and i decided to use Leah and Rachel in my work.

for anyone that doesn't know about these two awesome yet very human sisters, you can check out their story in Genesis 29-30ish. but as a quick rundown...Leah and Rachel were sisters--Leah the oldest. Jacob (Issacs son, Abrahams grandson) fell in love with Rachel. as they were to be married, Rachel's father switched Rachel with her older sister Leah (the reasons for this could be many--Laban their father was a nasty man. and some say that the tradition was for the oldest to be married first) and Jacob accidentally married Leah. but because he was in love with Rachel, he married her too. now he wound up with two wives.

before i continue, let me interject that God has a funny sense of humor about Himself, and He never does anything for one reason. i was reading this story for my business, but wound up applying it to myself.

so anyway...now Jacob has two wives who were sisters. sibling rivalry is a terror because these two constantly fought for Jacob's love. Jacob, although in love with Rachel, still knew that Leah was his wife. Leah was not very beautiful but she had a good heart and she was in absolute love with Jacob. Rachel was angry and frustrated and unhappy because she had a nasty father who basically ruined her life and she also had to compete for her husband Jacob, whom she loved.

Leah's story is one that we hear of so much today--she became pregnant, not once--but six times--to hope to win her husband's love and affection. and it never worked...because no matter how many children she had by Jacob, he always loved Rachel more.

yanno the saying, "a baby don't keep a man?" well the women of today--those same women who get pregnant in hopes of keeping their man--are the Leah's of today.

but that's not why i read the story, or why i applied it to myself. God has blessed me with a man that i don't have to fight over.

now Leah had the babies, but didn't have Jacob.

Rachel was the exact opposite. Rachel had Jacob, but she was infertile. and that was ruining her life even moreso than fighting over him with Leah was. Rachel believed that Leah was 10x better than she because Leah had Jacob's children, while she could not. Although Rachel had the love of her life and was content in every area, she still was basically a miserable little wench...because she wanted the man and his babies (this is where God taught me a lesson...but i'll get to that in a moment).

Now finally, God allowed Rachel to conceive. She had her son Joseph (who eventually became the ruler of Egypt)...and her words of joy were, "God has taken away my disgrace. May the Lord add to me another son!" so Rachel's thankfulness didn't come from having a healthy child, but "winning" the "war" between her sister and herself. because see, Leah had the babies, but not Jacob. and now Rachel had the baby AND Jacob...so she felt that she was the winner.

to make a long story short...Rachel's happiness didn't come until she had it all. But she was so miserable with her life because she was hurt and angry at her father and her sister that she missed out on her life. instead of enjoying what she was blessed with, Rachel complained her life away. not only that, but she was also a liar and a deciever herself--she let her anger and emotions get the best of her and basically ruin who she was, and that directly lead to her death. Leah remained faithful and loyal despite not having her hearts content...and guess what? Leah lived the longest life, had the most children AND she was buried with Abraham and Sarah. and rumor has it that Jacob eventually began to notice and become affectionate with Leah. Leah worked with what she had and thanked God for it, even if she had to share, even if she got the short end of the stick. Rachel only had two children, died at a young age while delivering the second baby, and was buried on the side of a road...away from her ancestors. she was miserable and unhappy because she didn't have it all. she was in constant competition with her sister (even though a man having multiple wives during this time was normal), always bickering, and at one time she and Jacob weren't on speaking terms because she was so miserable acting.

for a minute there, i was Rachel. instead of being happy with what i have and working with it, i complained and groped. i saw myself in Rachel...having love, having health, having this and that--but still being miserable because of what i don't have. for Rachel it was children and her husband to herself. for me, it's not having money and time to myself. but there are so many things i do have. i need to be grateful like Leah was...take what i have and work with it. because there are so many people that don't have it.

so i thank God for taking me to that story of Rachel and Leah...because i see that i do have alot and it could be worse.

i won't complain. and i feel like a heel for complaining as much as i did. my children, God, my extended family--really didn't deserve it. and i apologize to them.

and as a sidenote--check out this link:

http://www.slaveshiptrouvadore.com/

this is an amazing story. i am big on history and culture in my older age--especially multicultural relationships, slavery and spanish culture. so this is right up my alley. how amazing a find they have...and what a story. enjoy!

talk about crashing.

yesterday the stock market crashed (more like plummeted) 777 points. today, i crashed (more like plummeted) 778 points. i beat the stock.

that's how i feel at any rate. yesterday i was fine, the sun was shining, everything was good. last night i got NO sleep. i don't know what it is exactly, but i think it's a cumulation of situations and issues i'm having...including the social and financial state of the country, my personal goals and dreams being put on hold, difficulty in finding decent employment (for myself), the fact that i can't move my family right now, the fact that i've been going to the gym for a month 4x a week and i feel bigger, and i'm the same weight i was a month ago (walking ALWAYS helps me lose weight--what gives), my mp3 player and my gym card got stolen ANYWAY, my husband is in prison and he's stressing...the list goes on.

i think i had the weight of the world on my shoulders when i woke up today.

so i took the girls to school, came back home and started to clean. whenever i'm stressed i either suck my thumb, clean the house, try to nap, talk to my hubby (if i can), or i listen to music. so i started cleaning, and it just so happens that before my cousin left for work today she left the CD player on. and it switched to my favorite donnie mcclurkin CD. in ten minutes i was bawling and praying for everything to just be alright with me. i apologized to God for my behaviors lately, i asked Him to please just never leave me alone. right now i feel so alone in the world. despite having family and friends that love me, i feel so alone. i also thanked Him for what i do have. there are so many people that have so much less, so many people that would love to be in my shoes. with all of my concerns and issues, there are actually people who would LOVE to be in my shoes. i thank God for what He has given me, and i pray that He helps me learn any lessons that need to be learned from my current state of affairs. after the song finished playing, i felt 100% better and relieved. i still have some residual tears in my eyes, i'm still a little stressed. but i am doing alot better...God is good.

[my] stock market plummeted, but it's not the end of the world.

"i am too blessed to be stressed and too annointed to be disappointed!"

thank you Ravyn, for that wonderful quote (i was reading your blog) :) amen sister!