spring is here!

so, spring is here, and i couldn't wait to get back to blogging for some odd reason. maybe it's because everything is so new and it's a time to start over, or maybe it's because the longer and sunnier days have my disposition feeling cheery, or maybe it's just because i've missed my blog. at any rate, it's spring and i am happy to be blogging lol.

this year has been a blessing as always, and even through the struggles ive been having with my family and individually, we are still immensely blessed. ecobaby is growing taller every day and now sports a headfull of soft, curly locks! she has fully benefitted from mommy's breastmilk--my only regret is that i stopped her at 1 year instead of continuing on. however, it was becoming extremely difficult for me to produce milk even with fenugreek supplements, so i'm just thankful to have been able to give her nearly a year's worth of milk. with 6 pearly whites to show with every smile, she is now beyond walking to running and getting into everything, and keeping mommy, daddy and siblings diligently on our toes.

our oldest daughter is struggling in school. she is a very social creature, and has allowed her social life override her education, which has resulted in her grades slipping and her mouth getting her in trouble more often than not. as of a few weeks ago, she was actually in danger of repeating 6th grade. due to behavioral issues that have been professionally addressed, her struggles are a bit more intense than they would be under normal circumstances, so it is pretty much a critical situation with her. i am revamping the way that i approach this situation with her, because not only was my previous way of dealing with these difficulties counterproductive to her, they were also counterproductive to my family and i. we are now in a very delicate and very difficult to navigate position, but i am learning patience and to watch what i say and do with her, and it has been helping out. step by step, day by day, and some days seem slower than others, but looking back, i do see changes happening. i am continuing to pray over the situation, and i am continuing to look for Jesus' hand to guide us through.

our ten year old daughter has also been struggling a bit in school, but that's mainly due to laziness on her behalf, and a penchant for drawing and artwork that is overtaking a penchant for listening to the teacher. she absolutely loves her drawing and artwork, and lately her masterpeices have been not only taking over her world, but they've taken over ours as well! artwork all over the bedroom, all over my kitchen table, stuffed in every pocket of her bookbag. this is a passion gone awry, one that we have spoken about, and that she has promised to reign in just a bit. but by no means am i stopping her...we have the next picasso on our hands, believe me as i type it!

our 6 year old is progressing along very well. now more than halfway through kindergarten, she is finally taking to school, and got all a's and b's this marking period, an improvement from all b's and 1 c last marking period. because this is her first full year of school, her teacher is very pleased with her progress. she was struggling with letter recognition, but with the help of outside resources and learning books gifted to us from my mother, a retired teacher, she is coming along beautifully. i am especially pleased because she had such a difficult time adjusting to prek that i not only took her out of prek, but i was dreading kindergarten. but she's taking to it like a fish to water. this serves as a lesson for me never to underestimate my parenting skills. i went against my better judgement by sending her to school before i felt she was ready; now i am relieved to see that taking her out and keeping her home was a good move on my behalf. mornings are still a struggle for her, as she's not too thrilled with waking up so early, but once we get the ball rolling, everything is all good!

my husband is also doing well. although he has not gotten a permanent position anywhere as of yet, that is something for our prayer life, something that we are trusting God about. i would be afraid for us, but fear is not of God. so i have no place for it in my life or heart. i am happy to say that my husband has completed a 21 day fast (not perfectly, but he kept getting back up and going right back on the fast, and i can say his slip ups were unintentional. one meal he ate had bread in it and he didnt know)! i am so proud of him--and i do believe we were mightily blessed by his endeavor. he was saved in may of 2011, so that was a huge step for him. we are doing better than ever on our marital journey, keeping God first and allowing everything to fall into place. i'll be blogging more about this journey as time goes on.

now for me! whew. where to begin? i am teeter tottering on everything it seems. my weight, my thyroid, my studies, everything...even my blogging. i dont want to turn this into a pity party where i kick my own back in...but i am not happy with my progress on anything. another reason for blogging. to help me keep myself on track with the goals that i have in life. my life is so packed and so busy, that i deserve this to not only share myself and what i have to offer, but to help me keep myself on track, and get encouragement. which makes me even more fully welcome the spring and be happy it's here! a new season, a new beginning, and a new attitude!

just when things started going good.

just when ya think things are starting to go good, as a matter of fact, when they are going good, satan has a way to just come on in and try to spoil the fun.

my van has been sitting for about three months waiting to be fixed. what i thought was a brake problem was actually just brake pads needing to be replaced *ok so i won't win mechanic of the year anytime soon*, and the problem wound up costing me only 200.00 to fix *he did some other needed work on the rotors and the nuts, etc.*. well because i had been in a crunch CRUNCH CRUNCH! i actually asked the kid's aunt to fix the van for me, and in return, because she's an otherwise great driver *other than the little mishap pictured above*, she could borrow my van on the weekends. big mistake.

so we decide on the deal and make it, she will perform the maintenance on my vehicle and pay half of the insurance premium, and on weekends the van is hers. my van is a very low maintenance vehicle despite it's age, so she happily agreed.

two days after fixing the van *when the weekend rolls in*, she uses the van to go out friday night. saturday morning, my van is brought back to me smoking and cranking loudly, smashed in the front. she had what she calls a fender bender, she had what i call a car accident. now i don't have full coverage to get insurance to fix these damages.

now, she got into a bit of legal trouble in the city that she had the accident in, and actually got arrested. her friend *bless his soul* was sweet enough to hold onto my van until the morning, and then bring it back. besides being ugly as all get out, my radiator is ruined, so all of that needs to be fixed before it's drivable.

what makes this so bad is that my baby started 3 year old school, and has an aversion to the school bus so i cancelled it, knowing i got my van back. she already isn't adjusting well to school at all and has told me repeatedly that she does not like school. so in an attempt to help her adjust, i cancelled the school bus pick up and was bringing her to school myself *which actually is not helping like i thought it would, it's not helping at all*. i know her teachers are treating her well, she just does NOT like school. i am contemplating removing her from school and giving this another go when she turns 4.

i wouldn't have any problem waiting around for my van to be fixed, however my baby has no way to school right now. i'll take her out of school totally before i put her back on that bus, she does NOT like this school bus and putting her back on it is not an option. not only that, but i miss my van and it sure is a heck of a lot easier getting around with my own transportation versus depending on everyone else.

to make matters worse, their cousin offered to help fix the van on her mom's behalf, considering that the mother went into the agreement with me partially to help her daughter get items for her household, but since bringing me back my van, she's avoided me like the plague. she said that she'd definitely help pay for the damages *which actually come to less than 700.00* for her mom, because she was utilizing the van too. since she's not actually helping me out any right now, i am not sure what to think of this situation. it's bad all around, and it's crazy because things were just getting better for the girls and i at home. and now this.

i learned a few lessons from this situation. first and most obvious, never let anyone else borrow my van. second, never make an agreement for things and depend on other people to keep their part of the agreement. and third, never borrow anything from anyone that i can't afford to replace should it get damaged while under my care.

i am actually contemplating taking her to court over this if she's not able to fork over at least 300.00. to actually get the entire part of my car that was damaged fixed is easily 2,000.00. but i was going to just get the hood and radiator replaced at 500.00 and allow her to replace the rest as she came across the money. however, when my daughter's aunt gets out of jail i'm not sure what her funds will look like. since she actually paid the 200.00 for the brakes for me, i thought i'd keep that money and instead of paying her back use it towards the van, thus leaving me only 300.00 short of the rest of the money needed to get my van back on the road. not only that, but my insurance premium is due and that's 200.00. so technically if i take 300.00 of money in my very tight budget to fix my car, i can't drive it anyway because it will be 200.00 of the insurance money that i'm using to fix the car, hence i won't have insurance coverage. so right now i'm stuck either way.

and today i got reprimanded for getting my daughter to school an hour late, since i am now depending on my sister to get us there. and quite frankly, she gets us there when she gets us there and not a minute sooner. and today it was an hour later. not acceptable.

so i am feeling the crunch *once again* from every area. i don't know if i want to keep my daughter in this school. it's beautiful and i know they are treating her nicely, but she is not a happy camper. the stress of having my van out of commission due to a car accident that wasn't my own fault actually stressed me out to the point where i got a cold, and that's not good or worth it. we are back to walking and the weather isn't getting any warmer. and all of this after God came through for me and paid my rent and all my bills even though i have 0.00 in income currently. i am not losing faith in God, but i suppose i'm losing faith in this current situation. i definitely see the benefits of the situation--my car could have been towed or damaged WAY worse than it was, i learned my lessons from the situation and the girls' aunt was NOT seriously injured. so i definitely am not complaining that this is SOOOOO bad. it's just that it put a damper in my plans, my mood and my spirit. i'm a bit frazzled out from this and it's happening JUST when things started going good.

which is the very worst part of all.

my baby is growing up.

just three and a half short years ago, i held my newborn baby in my arms, amazed at how much like her daddy she looked, how tiny she was in my arms. i was so proud of her, to have been strong enough to hang in there with mommy during a very difficult pregnancy, one in which i feared for her life on at least three occassions.

now, my tiny baby girl has grown up into a active, rowdy three year old who still looks like her daddy, but has the round nose and eyes of her mommy... ;)

but she's growing up! and to be very honest, i'm not ready for that just yet. not right now...
.

.

.

.

ok, i'm not sure when i'll be ready for it, but i can assure you i'm not ready for it now. but despite my inability to wrap my mind around the fact that everyone grows up and my baby is no exception, she's doing just that.

she's growing up. no amount of typing that phrase out will keep her from growing up, nor will any amount of typing slow the process of her growing up.

how do i know she's growing up? well the fact that she's only three but wears a 5t is one piece of proof that she's growing up. but even more devastating than that...my baby has decided she wants to go to *gulp* school!

that horrid, terrible, six-letter word. school.

the taste it leaves in my mouth is inexplicable, and i assure you, you don't want to taste it either.

yes, my baby has decided that at the ripe old age of three point five years old, she is ready to leave the nest and enter the world of school. just to prove her point, she has demanded (and i gave in) to carrying her lunch around in a lunch box. for the past two days, i've packed up her lunch in her older sister's last year lunch box, and she has proudly and matter of factly told everyone within earshot "im goin' tuh skewl! see?!?!" as she points excitedly towards her dora the explorer metal lunch tin.

i've had to come up with 20 reasons an hour about why she actually isn't in school, but none of them satisfy her for more than 3 minutes. she's demanding to go to school, and i'm running out of reasons why she's not in school.

now she would be in an actual daycare center except that i don't approve of any daycare centers i've seen in my area over the past three years, and i refuse to take my children somewhere i don't approve of. working in that field at my last job really showed me alot of issues the state has not addressed in the way of daycare centers and i just refuse to have my baby in the middle of all that nonsense. she used to go to homecare, but it's gotten expensive, more than i can afford per week, since i lost my job. it used to cost 80.00 per week, now it's 160.00 per week for her old sitter, who is really the only person i trust with her.

so she's stuck home with me for now (not that she appreciates it, she doesn't).

i have been looking steadily for part time work, so if i'm able to find it, i probably will be able to afford to send her back to her sitter. if i don't find work, i am going to go back to school full time and she can go back to her sitter, which she'd love. then she can finally tote around her little dora lunchbox and actually be going to school (in a sense at least).

and i can be soothed somewhat. because she wouldn't be in school per se, just daycare. and because daycare isn't school exactly, only similar to school in certain ways, i can buy at least another two years of having my baby still be my baby.