spring is here!

so, spring is here, and i couldn't wait to get back to blogging for some odd reason. maybe it's because everything is so new and it's a time to start over, or maybe it's because the longer and sunnier days have my disposition feeling cheery, or maybe it's just because i've missed my blog. at any rate, it's spring and i am happy to be blogging lol.

this year has been a blessing as always, and even through the struggles ive been having with my family and individually, we are still immensely blessed. ecobaby is growing taller every day and now sports a headfull of soft, curly locks! she has fully benefitted from mommy's breastmilk--my only regret is that i stopped her at 1 year instead of continuing on. however, it was becoming extremely difficult for me to produce milk even with fenugreek supplements, so i'm just thankful to have been able to give her nearly a year's worth of milk. with 6 pearly whites to show with every smile, she is now beyond walking to running and getting into everything, and keeping mommy, daddy and siblings diligently on our toes.

our oldest daughter is struggling in school. she is a very social creature, and has allowed her social life override her education, which has resulted in her grades slipping and her mouth getting her in trouble more often than not. as of a few weeks ago, she was actually in danger of repeating 6th grade. due to behavioral issues that have been professionally addressed, her struggles are a bit more intense than they would be under normal circumstances, so it is pretty much a critical situation with her. i am revamping the way that i approach this situation with her, because not only was my previous way of dealing with these difficulties counterproductive to her, they were also counterproductive to my family and i. we are now in a very delicate and very difficult to navigate position, but i am learning patience and to watch what i say and do with her, and it has been helping out. step by step, day by day, and some days seem slower than others, but looking back, i do see changes happening. i am continuing to pray over the situation, and i am continuing to look for Jesus' hand to guide us through.

our ten year old daughter has also been struggling a bit in school, but that's mainly due to laziness on her behalf, and a penchant for drawing and artwork that is overtaking a penchant for listening to the teacher. she absolutely loves her drawing and artwork, and lately her masterpeices have been not only taking over her world, but they've taken over ours as well! artwork all over the bedroom, all over my kitchen table, stuffed in every pocket of her bookbag. this is a passion gone awry, one that we have spoken about, and that she has promised to reign in just a bit. but by no means am i stopping her...we have the next picasso on our hands, believe me as i type it!

our 6 year old is progressing along very well. now more than halfway through kindergarten, she is finally taking to school, and got all a's and b's this marking period, an improvement from all b's and 1 c last marking period. because this is her first full year of school, her teacher is very pleased with her progress. she was struggling with letter recognition, but with the help of outside resources and learning books gifted to us from my mother, a retired teacher, she is coming along beautifully. i am especially pleased because she had such a difficult time adjusting to prek that i not only took her out of prek, but i was dreading kindergarten. but she's taking to it like a fish to water. this serves as a lesson for me never to underestimate my parenting skills. i went against my better judgement by sending her to school before i felt she was ready; now i am relieved to see that taking her out and keeping her home was a good move on my behalf. mornings are still a struggle for her, as she's not too thrilled with waking up so early, but once we get the ball rolling, everything is all good!

my husband is also doing well. although he has not gotten a permanent position anywhere as of yet, that is something for our prayer life, something that we are trusting God about. i would be afraid for us, but fear is not of God. so i have no place for it in my life or heart. i am happy to say that my husband has completed a 21 day fast (not perfectly, but he kept getting back up and going right back on the fast, and i can say his slip ups were unintentional. one meal he ate had bread in it and he didnt know)! i am so proud of him--and i do believe we were mightily blessed by his endeavor. he was saved in may of 2011, so that was a huge step for him. we are doing better than ever on our marital journey, keeping God first and allowing everything to fall into place. i'll be blogging more about this journey as time goes on.

now for me! whew. where to begin? i am teeter tottering on everything it seems. my weight, my thyroid, my studies, everything...even my blogging. i dont want to turn this into a pity party where i kick my own back in...but i am not happy with my progress on anything. another reason for blogging. to help me keep myself on track with the goals that i have in life. my life is so packed and so busy, that i deserve this to not only share myself and what i have to offer, but to help me keep myself on track, and get encouragement. which makes me even more fully welcome the spring and be happy it's here! a new season, a new beginning, and a new attitude!

what does a baby need?

when i found out i was expecting my fourth daughter, i was excited and humbled, thankful and hopeful, but i also was a tad bit anxious. the economy is rough and my husband lost his steady work for unsteady work as he was laid off. being frugal, it was a no brainer that i would take that route with the baby...i mean we have a small home anyway so going overboard would only add to the stress of our situation, not make me feel like i've amassed a bunch of great baby items.

so frugal i decided that i would be, and frugal i was.

into about my 3rd week of making up my mind how i would supply the baby with what she needs, i came across a woman in my freecycle group who shared with me the story of how her daughter was going to give her own baby up for adoption because "she didnt have what a baby needs". now it was no coincidence that i ran into this woman on my list, who's daughter i also knew. the year before the daughter had given me 2 huge trashbags full of baby boy clothes that she had collected from her local church for my nephews pending birth...and also shared with me that she was pregnant but had decided to adopt her baby out to a family (sans any explination and i didn't ask). now the story was complete, and as i went back into my home, happy that the mom convinced her daughter to keep her baby and that God would supply the baby's needs (and that He did), i was also distraught that a mother would give her baby up for adoption SIMPLY because she didn't have "what a baby needs", whatever that is. it prompted me to ask myself...what does a baby need anyway?

i even googled the question. and the most basic answer i got went something like, "most infants need a safe place to sleep, adequate clothing, diapers, and food upon coming home from the hospital as well as a carseat for the ride home in a car." it didn't mention anything about swings, diaper genies, baby walkers, high chairs...those glossy extras that most of us seem to equate with being effective, "good" parents deserving of keeping our own blessings from God. after thinking about it some more, i decided to be the first parent i know of to get everything my baby needs (or as much as possible) without purchasing a single item. i mean, not even purchasing through a consignment shop, thrift store, or my all favorite place to purchase items, ebay. i said to myself, "i am going to see just how hard it is to get what a baby needs on a tiny, basically non-existent income, which means spending as little as possible, and nothing if possible at all."

so started my 5 month long project. using freecycle, craigslist, word of mouth, the people i knew and facebook, i went on my quest to find everything my baby needs without spending money.

i'll admit, sometimes i was tempted to go out and purchase items because i felt that i wouldn't get them before the baby was born, but each time, right before i could actually gather up my pennies to purchase the item, someone was put in my path who gave me the item for free. i wound up with ALOT of free baby items, each one in EXCELLENT/GENTLY USED or NEW condition. not a single thing was given to me looking like it had been regularly used or even used at all:

this bassinet is #1 of 1 and was a piece that i absolutely abhorred, but it was listed on craigslist, and i figured i'd need SOMETHING safe and clean for baby to sleep in, so i took it. it's made of real cherry wood and the mattress is a great quality. it came with rockers (pictured), but one broke and i decided to junk them both because they weren't sturdy or safe, thus effectively turning this into a very large, very roomy moses basket of sorts, without all the wicker lol. it's propped up on a large, sturdy coffee table that we don't use, and our bed is right next to it so i can reach over and pick her up easily. i must admit, it has since grown on me. i don't have a retail value, but i am sure it was over 150.00, as the wood is real cherry and i was told it's a designer piece (something was imprinted on the rockers but they're gone--i didn't pay much attention).

this is a gap pocketbook, which i have turned into a gap baby bag. it's perfect for putting baby things in, is stylish and sturdy, and has pockets that will fit bottles perfectly! it was given to me brand new and unused by a freecycler, the price tag said 40.00.

this is the exact same safety 1st tub i wanted to get for the baby, given to me by a great freecycler (the one who gave me bassinet #2 of 2). i had one long ago with my oldest daughter and it really is a neat, comfortable and safe baby tub. i recommend it. retail value is 20.00 new.

this mobile was given to me from a freecyler (the pillow too)...it hangs from the ceiling! how adorable. i believe the retail value was 30.00, there was a pricetag on the box that was hard to read...and it's an item that was sold in a different country, everything on the box was written in what looked to be chinese.

these bottles were purchased with a free gift card from target for creating a baby registry with them. retail value is 20.00 for everything you see here. i am breastfeeding and these bottles are great transitions from breast to bottle and back again. and since breastmilk is free, that's one less thing i'll have to purchase for baby (formula). all i do not have to date is a breastpump, but i bet i come across one...right now a pump is not mandatory, as it's not advised to use one until 4-6 weeks after milk has regulated and baby has latched on and is feeding well.

this stroller actually came to me in two parts that "just happened" to match perfectly! a freecycler gave me the frame part, retail 69.00 new. the carseat itself was being washed so that's why the whole thing isn't assembled. it's a safe seat too, retail value between 84.00 and 130.00 new, given to me by my sister-in law.

this carseat was a gift to me, brand new. i only included it because it also fits the stroller frame pictured above! so i got 2 carseats...this seat's purchase price was 83.00, brand new.

this is a baby bjorn city baby carrier, original in black. it was given to me by a freecycler, retail value 80.00 new.

this boppy pillow was given to me by the same freecyler, who really was happy that i am breastfeeding lol. the slipcovers can be replaced for 13.00 each. this item retails new for 35.00.

this bassinet was #2 of 2 that i received from a freecycler. she also gave me a bag of little girl items, brand new. this bassinet retails for 129.00 new. the only thing that's missing is the mobile piece, which doesn't matter. what newborn looks at mobiles? plus, i got the mobile above anyway from great freecycler (who also gave me baby's bunting and about 7 sleepers for free):

these items weren't all that i received. i had a small get together in which people brought items for the baby. i don't label it a baby shower because it was just supposed to be a party where the hubby and i met with some friends and enjoyed dinner before the baby came, but after much prompting that we just "turn it into" a baby shower, we told people they could bring a gift IF THEY'D LIKE. from that party, we got diapers, baby wipes, more clothing, and socks, hats and booties. most of the clothing booty i received is pictured in my first picture, but that isn't all that i received. and everything you see in any picture i have on this post was given to me for free...no goods or money was exchanged for me to get the items. not shown that i received for free also are:

a graco baby swing, excellent condition

a seashell pregnancy body pillow (has saved me many a night)

baskets for storing baby items/essentials

more diapers

buntings

breastmilk storage totes

binky holders

toys

so with all of the efforts combined from myself and generous people around me, i was blessed abundantly with everything a baby needs (God is AWESOME)...and my total cost out of pocket was 15.00. and the only reason i even spent 15.00 was because i came across a cute little set that i "had to have", but i didn't NEED it. i had everything she needed way before i purchased the items i purchased.

so my conclusion: it is indeed possible to get everything a baby needs to come home and have a very comfortable, healthy and safe first year of life, even if finances and this economy seem to dictate otherwise.

maybe baby?

well, since this is the year of surprises (ended one relationship, got into another one, got married, etc. etc.)...i guess it won't be the wrong time to let another cat out of the bag...

i'm pregnant!

and not only that...but i'm like beyond pregnant. so far along i'm almost due. next month to be exact (stay tuned for an interesting story and pictures on how i'm preparing for her arrival).

no, this wasn't a case of "i didn't know i was pregnant..." i truly did know i was pregnant. from the very first weeks actually. i just decided not to tell anyone for various reasons, but mainly to keep my own stress level down to a minimum as much as humanly possible.

now onto the really fun part...

it's another girl! so far we have a name picked for her, kinda. actually we do, and while some people are still getting used to it (including my husband), i love it because it means, "the Lord has heard me"...and answered me.

i have to admit, He's also straightened out alot of the mess i've been in the last 12 months. and i'm happy about that because i want to bring home our newest addition with as much peace and joy as i have inside of me. i finally feel like i'm where i not only should be, but where i want to be after a long time of being confused and unsure of myself.

and that is a huge relief, because i am really getting excited over the fact that in a few short weeks, i'll be mom to not three, but four beautiful little girls. :0)

me, cook?!

anyone who knows me knows automatically that cooking was always my vice. i mean, it was more than a vice. it was my archenemy, my archnemesis. i just could not stand to coook. i mean, all that measuring, patience, watching the food, making sure it doesn't burn, heat, timing, all of those odd ingredients and let's not forget the fact that you MUST season to perfection or the whole thing is botched.

i'da rather get locked in a barn full of dirty laundry with only a mini washer and dryer.

but oddly enough, as much as i can't stand cooking, i love to eat.

it "just so happens" that over these past few weeks, i have been going through some health changes that need my immediate attention if i don't want them to worsen. namely, my thyroid and my blood pressure, which has been steadily rising.

in addition to all of this, i have been also struggling with anxiety brought on by a worsening economy, my lack of a regular income, and the ill treatment of people towards each other in general. i have been praying over this, and some days are better than others in my journey towards peace over it all.

so a few weeks ago, when my anxiety was way worse, it led me to ask my mom, "what are we going to do when there is absolutely no way to work and take care of our families?" and she, in turn, brought the question to God.

to which He gave her an answer, and she reported it back to me. "Go back to the land", she says He told her.

now my next question obviously was, "well what land do we go back to?! we don't own any land! or any farm animals! or anything natural that can sustain us!" *and by now i was talking in clipped sentences and more than a bit agitated at God for giving me that answer. i had wanted this earth shattering, profound answer that would set all my doubt free, not an answer that actually seemed to be worse than the question*.

but, me being diligent in knowing that God makes no mistakes, decided to take that answer and work with it as best i could. which meant praying over it, mediatating over it, and letting God clarify it for me *which He has no issues doing for most things i believe*.

fast forward to a few days later. i realized that my blood pressure isn't doing well, and this is during a time when i NEED it to do well. so as i was praying over my health, God told me..."take your health back to the land, because you're going to have to do that anyway!" and like a LIGHTBULB, i understood. in my mind i saw the huge garden that we had when i was smaller, the garden that served many purposes. not only did that garden feed us because we couldn't afford to buy food, but it helped my mom develop a relationship with God, it helped to relax her during difficult times, and it helped to foster my love for animals and insects, as well as a healthy respect for nature. and as much as i never thought it'd be me, my heart's desire quickly became to do the same for my kids. to show them that there is more to living than what we have out here commercially, what the secular world feeds us, both literally and figuratively.

as God continued to work with me, i realized also that i had to learn to like to eat good food, cook good food, and eventually grow good food. and not worry about the literal land, because God would provide it. what i need to work on doing right now is actually LIKING food, LIKING cooking, and LIKING to eat right. because let's be honest, it's not exactly the most fun for me to pick out some corny old vegetables, put them in a pot and boil them down to crapola that i'm then forced to suck down with a straw. but maybe if i put in the effort, and allow God to show me what Goodness He has in the world in the form of food, i will actually grow to not only like cooking, but maybe even to love it.

today, just a few short weeks later, i wholeheartedly understand BETTER what God has in store for me in the future of an uncertain world. i won't say that i understand it all, because i don't, but i trust His way. and i also know that doing this *the whole food thing* will not only help me to have better health, but it may just be what saves my children from feeling the FULL effects of a crashing america later on in life, something that has really provoked my anxiety. and knowing this is actually enough to not only ebb my anxiety, but to make me INTERESTED in cooking GOOD food without SALT and CHEMICALS in it to the point that i'm actually flipping through recipe books. so don't be surprised when you see me blabbing off about how i actually cooked such and such from scratch, and how economically savvy i was while doing it, and what great blessings and revelations were revealed from the whole activity, haha.

leave it up to God to work out the messes in my life for His glory and my good! i am feeling better.

my fishtank.

i got my latest and probably most beautiful treasure on freecycle about a month ago, and let me say. it was well worth every single ounce of strain i put in to move it. my fishtank holds only 40 gallons, but let me say, the picture which i'm going to add does it no justice. i got it from a sweet family who's son i went to high school with *of course i didn't know this until i actually got to the house and noticed their son in a picture*, and nearly couldn't believe they were giving it away!

God has a way of answering our prayers in the funniest of ways. i saw the offer on freecyle maybe about 3-4 minutes after it was posted, and immediately responded that i'd love the tank. unfortunately by the time i responded, he emailed me to let me know there were at least 10 people in front of me who responded first to his email! but instead of fretting i said, "well if God wills me to have this tank, which i REALLY WANT, it'll happen, even if there were 100 people in front of me!"

well about two weeks later, he emailed me saying, "hey the tank is available if you'd like it still. no one showed up to pick it up!" and of course i said YES YES YES i wanted it! but i had no ride to pick it up and he assured me it wouldn't fit in the back of a car.

fine. he was very patient with me and gave me two weeks to pick up the tank! now usually on freecycle people want to get rid of their unwanted items asap and they just move down the list and make it basically a first come first serve deal.

well...he told me he'd wait for me to find a ride. and he kept his promise. two weeks passed though and i still had *no* ride to pick up the tank. so i sucked it up, said a prayer and headed out to his house with my sister's car.

lo and behold, after a bit of maneuvering, the tank and all the accessories fit perfectly in the car without an ounce of space left! and i mean i was SO happy...I GOT MY FISHTANK! one that i have been wanting basically for about FIVE YEARS! it came so unexpectedly and was totally free, God is good!

the tank has basically no scratches and came already set up and ready to go, he even threw in two fish to get me started *both of which fell down a flight of steps and were picked up off the concrete but made it*. in the picture i'll add you can't see the fish, but they're in there. there are also a colony of small snails living in the tank, and since i'm an avid snail lover they can stay.

i am just so happy i got my tank--it fits my television stand perfectly too because the wood and cut is the same! almost looks like a set.

yes i am sooo siked up. i love my freecycle to pieces...whooowee! God has blessed me abundantly through freecycle. and He assures me that if i take care of what i get, He'll entrust me to even more. so of course i am taking care of this sucker.

the sweetest thing was, the man who gave it to me sent me a small email saying that he prayed i'd get much enjoyment and use out of it. he doesn't know just how appreciative i am of that tank. it relaxes me, i can watch my two little fish for hours without tiring of them. the lighting is beautiful and it's just so serene inside of the tank. *sigh*

thank God for small blessings.

a blessed day!

whomever said that God will take our obstacles and turn them into stepping stones, that our difficulties are opportunities for Him to work miracles in our lives never lied! today i was having a rough day, debating with a few people on matters of religion, and as always, it seemed as if i was the underdog. eventually when people saw that they could not change my mind about my faith, the accusations came pouring in that i was rude, disrespectful, stubborn, etc.

now anyone who knows me knows that i may be stubborn and i can be rude, but disrespectful i am not. i just don't turn my beliefs for anyone, not only because this is who i am, but also because this is my life and the lives of my family. so i am set in my belief system. that still doesn't equate to disrespectful, but you can't tell an angry person that.

so anyway, i decided to pray over it, because i had to question myself...maybe i am disrespectful. and if i was, i wanted God to let me know and to show me how to work on that, because paul says to be bold in love.

so while i was praying, God just came on along and crept into my heart, and told me that the battle is not an easy one, but it is one to press on in and to remain steadfast in my beliefs and my presentation, because it shows others that i am not joking around.

my heart became so light and happy that i decided to play my music, and i felt brand new and rejuvinated. the night before i had been so weary and worn down from the debate and when i woke up this morning i just sighed and said, "a continuation. oh boy." so i wasn't exactly elated to be caught up in the whirlwind of an emotional spiritual debate, but then out of the battle came a blessing, so i wound up being happy to have engaged in it at all.

an additional blessing also came from this debate. for the past 3 months i have been diligently and excitedly studying the Word of God and engaging in fellowship, and it felt so good and so intense that i had gotten to the point where i was dreaming daily dreams of God, Jesus, heaven and peace. and i would pray and pray for God to allow me to retain in that state of spiritual highnesses, just let me wake up every day as blessed and elated as i had been.

but life set in and eventually my strict study regimine waned, my study group went back to work and living, and i found myself studying only half diligently and listening to my music only on most days.

well engaging in that argument has spiked up my study habits again and has opened up an entirely new world to me--the world of monotheistic religion study.

now i have to scratch together another barnes and noble money bank because i am itching to get my hands on some more prominent works by scholars who study the Christianity/Judaism/islam relationship.

it's funny how God uses what we deem as discouraging situations to bless us, open up our minds and broaden our horizons. before this day i had no real interest in learning about the big 3 religions in relationship to each other, and now i'm so interested i've been researching for the past 6 hours. i feel that my prayers to remain committed to my Christian beliefs have been answered.

and that's a blessed day.

Leah, Rachel and the slave ship Trouvadore.

i was reading my Bible yesterday because i had to do some research for work...and i decided to use Leah and Rachel in my work.

for anyone that doesn't know about these two awesome yet very human sisters, you can check out their story in Genesis 29-30ish. but as a quick rundown...Leah and Rachel were sisters--Leah the oldest. Jacob (Issacs son, Abrahams grandson) fell in love with Rachel. as they were to be married, Rachel's father switched Rachel with her older sister Leah (the reasons for this could be many--Laban their father was a nasty man. and some say that the tradition was for the oldest to be married first) and Jacob accidentally married Leah. but because he was in love with Rachel, he married her too. now he wound up with two wives.

before i continue, let me interject that God has a funny sense of humor about Himself, and He never does anything for one reason. i was reading this story for my business, but wound up applying it to myself.

so anyway...now Jacob has two wives who were sisters. sibling rivalry is a terror because these two constantly fought for Jacob's love. Jacob, although in love with Rachel, still knew that Leah was his wife. Leah was not very beautiful but she had a good heart and she was in absolute love with Jacob. Rachel was angry and frustrated and unhappy because she had a nasty father who basically ruined her life and she also had to compete for her husband Jacob, whom she loved.

Leah's story is one that we hear of so much today--she became pregnant, not once--but six times--to hope to win her husband's love and affection. and it never worked...because no matter how many children she had by Jacob, he always loved Rachel more.

yanno the saying, "a baby don't keep a man?" well the women of today--those same women who get pregnant in hopes of keeping their man--are the Leah's of today.

but that's not why i read the story, or why i applied it to myself. God has blessed me with a man that i don't have to fight over.

now Leah had the babies, but didn't have Jacob.

Rachel was the exact opposite. Rachel had Jacob, but she was infertile. and that was ruining her life even moreso than fighting over him with Leah was. Rachel believed that Leah was 10x better than she because Leah had Jacob's children, while she could not. Although Rachel had the love of her life and was content in every area, she still was basically a miserable little wench...because she wanted the man and his babies (this is where God taught me a lesson...but i'll get to that in a moment).

Now finally, God allowed Rachel to conceive. She had her son Joseph (who eventually became the ruler of Egypt)...and her words of joy were, "God has taken away my disgrace. May the Lord add to me another son!" so Rachel's thankfulness didn't come from having a healthy child, but "winning" the "war" between her sister and herself. because see, Leah had the babies, but not Jacob. and now Rachel had the baby AND Jacob...so she felt that she was the winner.

to make a long story short...Rachel's happiness didn't come until she had it all. But she was so miserable with her life because she was hurt and angry at her father and her sister that she missed out on her life. instead of enjoying what she was blessed with, Rachel complained her life away. not only that, but she was also a liar and a deciever herself--she let her anger and emotions get the best of her and basically ruin who she was, and that directly lead to her death. Leah remained faithful and loyal despite not having her hearts content...and guess what? Leah lived the longest life, had the most children AND she was buried with Abraham and Sarah. and rumor has it that Jacob eventually began to notice and become affectionate with Leah. Leah worked with what she had and thanked God for it, even if she had to share, even if she got the short end of the stick. Rachel only had two children, died at a young age while delivering the second baby, and was buried on the side of a road...away from her ancestors. she was miserable and unhappy because she didn't have it all. she was in constant competition with her sister (even though a man having multiple wives during this time was normal), always bickering, and at one time she and Jacob weren't on speaking terms because she was so miserable acting.

for a minute there, i was Rachel. instead of being happy with what i have and working with it, i complained and groped. i saw myself in Rachel...having love, having health, having this and that--but still being miserable because of what i don't have. for Rachel it was children and her husband to herself. for me, it's not having money and time to myself. but there are so many things i do have. i need to be grateful like Leah was...take what i have and work with it. because there are so many people that don't have it.

so i thank God for taking me to that story of Rachel and Leah...because i see that i do have alot and it could be worse.

i won't complain. and i feel like a heel for complaining as much as i did. my children, God, my extended family--really didn't deserve it. and i apologize to them.

and as a sidenote--check out this link:

http://www.slaveshiptrouvadore.com/

this is an amazing story. i am big on history and culture in my older age--especially multicultural relationships, slavery and spanish culture. so this is right up my alley. how amazing a find they have...and what a story. enjoy!

of things related and unrelated - 6/12/08

today was a much better day overall than yesterday. it was cooler, my attitude was better, and i was calmer. i thank God for answering my prayer for more patience. today i seemed to be full of it.

what goes around comes around. my sister took me to fredericks of hollywood and brought me 2 bras for 30.00 (they are having a huge sale). i have been eyeing these bras for about three days now but didn't have the money. God is good for small blessings, one of the reasons i love Him so much.

i feel that i need to be sterner on my children. they get away with things they shouldn't. when i questioned my parenting skills however, my hubby was sure to let me know in no uncertain terms that i am not a bad mother.

i am REALLY feeling lil wayne's songs lately. i am not into the whole "hard rap" thing, but he really has my head bopping and my fingers snapping. he's also making me laugh. i am really considering buying his cd. i love everything he's coming out with thus far.

my friend had an accident and crashed her van, which gets us 80 miles round trip to and from visitation using less than 1/4 of a tank of gas (a miracle). just when i think that we have a "set routine" for this prison lifestyle, it changes.

i really cannot afford 20.00 for this chinese food that we ordered. but what the hey. my kids and i deserve a treat every now and then. i hope it is as good as it sounds.

i have to buy diapers, overnight underwear, and carpet cleaner tomorrow. that should run me about 35.00. i also have to buy the dog her medication, which also will run me 35.00. that is 70.00 right there. money goes so quickly, it makes no sense.

i really love donnie mcclurkin. his songs speak right to my heart. i so love him. i thank God for him. he has gotten me through some days where i honestly thought i couldn't go any further.

i am feeling sprint. i got four free ringtones today, just for browsing the site. how cool is that? i downloaded mary j. blige, lil wayne, plies, and rick ross. yay.

i am considering investing 70.00 that i do not have for an entire body girdle that is supposed to help you lose 2 full dress sizes as soon as you put it on. i met a woman today who says they actually work. i wonder if anyone else has had experience with this.

i really do love my life. despite all it's bumps and ups and downs, God is so good to me. thank You Jesus.