Wednesday, July 2, 2008

broadening my circle.

it's been two days since i've decided to "broaden my circle" of knowledge, information, social life, conversation, etc. etc. and so far, i don't like the results i'm getting.

granted, it is not safe to be so boxed in your own little world that you don't have a CLUE about the real world or other people's little worlds. but i can honestly say, that only after 48 hours, i am already remembering why i narrowed my world so much in the first place.

i am a very sensitive person, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. and honestly, this whole "circle widening" thing has me stressing already. last night i fell asleep worrying about issues that i wouldn't have ever worried about had i not read the latest headline news. questions like, "am i too hard on barack obama?" "will they ever lower inmate calls in america so we can afford to talk to our loved ones?" "will gas prices ever go lower" "God help those who lost their homes today" "is the stock market crashing lower than my momma's basement?" "will my momma's basement be ok if some weather catastrophe should befall us?" "can i get water and rice in my momma's basement anyway?" "is my husband living in at least somewhat sanitary conditions in the prisons (he'll tell me ANYTHING to keep me from stressing)?" "what good are all these coalitions and organizations and committees doing for blacks, latinos, even whites who are in need of help?" "where are all these little kids getting these damn guns from?" "when my husband is released from prison, will we be able to live without fear from police or old ways coming back to haunt him?" "is there anything i can do about all of this?" "what the hell am I going to do about all of this?!"

honestly, the news and broadening my circle causes anxiety to build deep inside the pit of my stomach. now as a Christian, i'm not supposed to be afraid. i know this. but sometimes, i have to just take a deep breath and try to calm my own nerves because if i don't, i'll lose it. i look at my children, i look at my husband, i look at myself, i even look at my pets. they all depend on me. i need to know how to be strong in the face of adversity for them. i stress about my husband coming home to this world. i stress about the police harassing him, i stress about the streets inviting him, i stress about his own weaknesses taking over. sometimes i do this even when i KNOW God is here for us. i don't know why. i don't know if it's the humanness in me taking over, i don't know what it is. but i feel the world is starting to spin wildly out of control, and sometimes i feel like we are all going in different directions with no real unity anywhere. and that--is stressful.

this is why i prefer the four walls of my home as opposed to the outside world. this is why i am content never watching tv--EVER. this is why i am so "out of the loop" politically, socially, and even mentally i suppose. because it stresses me out to take a chance and put my feet onto a different soil in an effort to explore.

it doesn't SCARE me. it STRESSES me. there's a difference. but either way, the results that i get when i broaden my circle are not good.

but then again, maybe that stress is something that i need to be able to get off my hiney and do more than just care for my family and household. maybe i need to be stressed, because a certain amount of stress is good, right? maybe i can take this stress and do something MORE for the world and not just my immediate concerns. and as long as i know God has my back, i can handle whatever comes my way.

i'm going to keep broadening my circle. even if it's just one news headline, group discussion, or google search (instead of 10) at a time.

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