Monday, April 26, 2010

how do you say something you really need to say?

ok...i've been thinking about this for months now...and actually wasn't sure how to say it. it's funny though because well, this is my blog and i can say what i want to say how i want to say it and i technically don't have to worry about what anyone else says about what i say.

however, it's not that easy. i'm still anxious about saying *technically typing* out what i have to say. but i'm going to go on and type it anyway.

i am no longer with my husband. i am a single mother again. there. i said it.

but that's not all.

i AM with my ex-fiance, who is asking to now be my husband.

that's not all either.

i am totally taking my time with my boyfriend, *who just so happens to be the father of my 10 and 8 year olds*, before being married again.

to make a super long story short, i realized that i no longer WANT to be the wife of a man in prison. not that i couldn't do it, but i began to feel as if my ex husband was turning into a different man and really trying to manipulate and force me into decisions that i didn't want to agree with, especially when they make me go against what i know to be true as a child of God. while he is a great man, i decided that we were not a great team anymore and he was becoming a true stress on my spirit. funny, but everyone around me supported me 100% when i thought they would bash my lifestyle and decisions.

i have been the wife of a man in prison for 5 years. and i don't regret not being that woman anymore. i realize that i not only need more out of my marriage, but that i have the right to live my life fully for me. unfortunately, my ex husband is NOT out of prison and may not come out until 2011. when he does make it out here, i will do my best to help him, but i am 100% certain that i do not want to maintain a romantic relationship with him, and i will not become his wife again. it is over for us.

i love my ex-husband, but i am no longer IN love with him. prison DOES have something to do with it, but really his attitude and expectations have totally turned me away. permanently--they aren't something that i care to ever forget *although i have forgiven him*.

i love my boyfriend, but our breakup was very nasty and many years later, i still have trust issues. however, something deep down in my heart is telling me that he is marriage material.

i am still a woman of God though, and although i've done plenty that i had to pray over, i know God is still by my side, and instead of condemning me for my decisions, is working His booty off to get me out of any drama that i may be in.

and that is all *for now*. i am still a Proverbs woman, and because i very well may be a wife again soon enough, i will leave my blog as it is *especially since someone else may take the name if i let it go hehe*.

that explains my hiatus AND i finally *said/typed* what i needed to say. and while many people may not read this blog often, some people do, and i just wanted to keep it as real as i can without telling my social security number *snicker*. to all of my fellow prison wives who read this blog, you know who you are. i love you dearly and i will always be here for you no matter what...although i'm not tied to the prison system anymore.

and now...i feel better! my anxiety has been reduced considerably, and the world is still turning after my major announcement. wow, that was easier than i thought it'd be!


Jean said...

Sorry to hear about your break up. I completly understand where you are coming from...
God is a lot more merciful than us, some people may judge you because of your situation. Sometimes we want to fit God in a box, yet he said the sabbath was made for the good of man, not the other way round. I dont know your situation in and out, but from what you have shared, I would say the Lord is in it. Be encouraged girl...

a Proverbs wife said...

thanks so much for your comment jean, i know everything will be alright. i am not sad, although i am a little anxious about how things will turn out once my ex comes home...but we will see! thanks again for your comment, it means alot to me, because i am becoming more encouraged daily. :o)