how do you say something you really need to say?

ok...i've been thinking about this for months now...and actually wasn't sure how to say it. it's funny though because well, this is my blog and i can say what i want to say how i want to say it and i technically don't have to worry about what anyone else says about what i say.

however, it's not that easy. i'm still anxious about saying *technically typing* out what i have to say. but i'm going to go on and type it anyway.

i am no longer with my husband. i am a single mother again. there. i said it.

but that's not all.

i AM with my ex-fiance, who is asking to now be my husband.

that's not all either.

i am totally taking my time with my boyfriend, *who just so happens to be the father of my 10 and 8 year olds*, before being married again.

to make a super long story short, i realized that i no longer WANT to be the wife of a man in prison. not that i couldn't do it, but i began to feel as if my ex husband was turning into a different man and really trying to manipulate and force me into decisions that i didn't want to agree with, especially when they make me go against what i know to be true as a child of God. while he is a great man, i decided that we were not a great team anymore and he was becoming a true stress on my spirit. funny, but everyone around me supported me 100% when i thought they would bash my lifestyle and decisions.

i have been the wife of a man in prison for 5 years. and i don't regret not being that woman anymore. i realize that i not only need more out of my marriage, but that i have the right to live my life fully for me. unfortunately, my ex husband is NOT out of prison and may not come out until 2011. when he does make it out here, i will do my best to help him, but i am 100% certain that i do not want to maintain a romantic relationship with him, and i will not become his wife again. it is over for us.

i love my ex-husband, but i am no longer IN love with him. prison DOES have something to do with it, but really his attitude and expectations have totally turned me away. permanently--they aren't something that i care to ever forget *although i have forgiven him*.

i love my boyfriend, but our breakup was very nasty and many years later, i still have trust issues. however, something deep down in my heart is telling me that he is marriage material.

i am still a woman of God though, and although i've done plenty that i had to pray over, i know God is still by my side, and instead of condemning me for my decisions, is working His booty off to get me out of any drama that i may be in.

and that is all *for now*. i am still a Proverbs woman, and because i very well may be a wife again soon enough, i will leave my blog as it is *especially since someone else may take the name if i let it go hehe*.

that explains my hiatus AND i finally *said/typed* what i needed to say. and while many people may not read this blog often, some people do, and i just wanted to keep it as real as i can without telling my social security number *snicker*. to all of my fellow prison wives who read this blog, you know who you are. i love you dearly and i will always be here for you no matter what...although i'm not tied to the prison system anymore.

and now...i feel better! my anxiety has been reduced considerably, and the world is still turning after my major announcement. wow, that was easier than i thought it'd be!

my fishtank.

i got my latest and probably most beautiful treasure on freecycle about a month ago, and let me say. it was well worth every single ounce of strain i put in to move it. my fishtank holds only 40 gallons, but let me say, the picture which i'm going to add does it no justice. i got it from a sweet family who's son i went to high school with *of course i didn't know this until i actually got to the house and noticed their son in a picture*, and nearly couldn't believe they were giving it away!

God has a way of answering our prayers in the funniest of ways. i saw the offer on freecyle maybe about 3-4 minutes after it was posted, and immediately responded that i'd love the tank. unfortunately by the time i responded, he emailed me to let me know there were at least 10 people in front of me who responded first to his email! but instead of fretting i said, "well if God wills me to have this tank, which i REALLY WANT, it'll happen, even if there were 100 people in front of me!"

well about two weeks later, he emailed me saying, "hey the tank is available if you'd like it still. no one showed up to pick it up!" and of course i said YES YES YES i wanted it! but i had no ride to pick it up and he assured me it wouldn't fit in the back of a car.

fine. he was very patient with me and gave me two weeks to pick up the tank! now usually on freecycle people want to get rid of their unwanted items asap and they just move down the list and make it basically a first come first serve deal.

well...he told me he'd wait for me to find a ride. and he kept his promise. two weeks passed though and i still had *no* ride to pick up the tank. so i sucked it up, said a prayer and headed out to his house with my sister's car.

lo and behold, after a bit of maneuvering, the tank and all the accessories fit perfectly in the car without an ounce of space left! and i mean i was SO happy...I GOT MY FISHTANK! one that i have been wanting basically for about FIVE YEARS! it came so unexpectedly and was totally free, God is good!

the tank has basically no scratches and came already set up and ready to go, he even threw in two fish to get me started *both of which fell down a flight of steps and were picked up off the concrete but made it*. in the picture i'll add you can't see the fish, but they're in there. there are also a colony of small snails living in the tank, and since i'm an avid snail lover they can stay.

i am just so happy i got my tank--it fits my television stand perfectly too because the wood and cut is the same! almost looks like a set.

yes i am sooo siked up. i love my freecycle to pieces...whooowee! God has blessed me abundantly through freecycle. and He assures me that if i take care of what i get, He'll entrust me to even more. so of course i am taking care of this sucker.

the sweetest thing was, the man who gave it to me sent me a small email saying that he prayed i'd get much enjoyment and use out of it. he doesn't know just how appreciative i am of that tank. it relaxes me, i can watch my two little fish for hours without tiring of them. the lighting is beautiful and it's just so serene inside of the tank. *sigh*

thank God for small blessings.

just when things started going good.

just when ya think things are starting to go good, as a matter of fact, when they are going good, satan has a way to just come on in and try to spoil the fun.

my van has been sitting for about three months waiting to be fixed. what i thought was a brake problem was actually just brake pads needing to be replaced *ok so i won't win mechanic of the year anytime soon*, and the problem wound up costing me only 200.00 to fix *he did some other needed work on the rotors and the nuts, etc.*. well because i had been in a crunch CRUNCH CRUNCH! i actually asked the kid's aunt to fix the van for me, and in return, because she's an otherwise great driver *other than the little mishap pictured above*, she could borrow my van on the weekends. big mistake.

so we decide on the deal and make it, she will perform the maintenance on my vehicle and pay half of the insurance premium, and on weekends the van is hers. my van is a very low maintenance vehicle despite it's age, so she happily agreed.

two days after fixing the van *when the weekend rolls in*, she uses the van to go out friday night. saturday morning, my van is brought back to me smoking and cranking loudly, smashed in the front. she had what she calls a fender bender, she had what i call a car accident. now i don't have full coverage to get insurance to fix these damages.

now, she got into a bit of legal trouble in the city that she had the accident in, and actually got arrested. her friend *bless his soul* was sweet enough to hold onto my van until the morning, and then bring it back. besides being ugly as all get out, my radiator is ruined, so all of that needs to be fixed before it's drivable.

what makes this so bad is that my baby started 3 year old school, and has an aversion to the school bus so i cancelled it, knowing i got my van back. she already isn't adjusting well to school at all and has told me repeatedly that she does not like school. so in an attempt to help her adjust, i cancelled the school bus pick up and was bringing her to school myself *which actually is not helping like i thought it would, it's not helping at all*. i know her teachers are treating her well, she just does NOT like school. i am contemplating removing her from school and giving this another go when she turns 4.

i wouldn't have any problem waiting around for my van to be fixed, however my baby has no way to school right now. i'll take her out of school totally before i put her back on that bus, she does NOT like this school bus and putting her back on it is not an option. not only that, but i miss my van and it sure is a heck of a lot easier getting around with my own transportation versus depending on everyone else.

to make matters worse, their cousin offered to help fix the van on her mom's behalf, considering that the mother went into the agreement with me partially to help her daughter get items for her household, but since bringing me back my van, she's avoided me like the plague. she said that she'd definitely help pay for the damages *which actually come to less than 700.00* for her mom, because she was utilizing the van too. since she's not actually helping me out any right now, i am not sure what to think of this situation. it's bad all around, and it's crazy because things were just getting better for the girls and i at home. and now this.

i learned a few lessons from this situation. first and most obvious, never let anyone else borrow my van. second, never make an agreement for things and depend on other people to keep their part of the agreement. and third, never borrow anything from anyone that i can't afford to replace should it get damaged while under my care.

i am actually contemplating taking her to court over this if she's not able to fork over at least 300.00. to actually get the entire part of my car that was damaged fixed is easily 2,000.00. but i was going to just get the hood and radiator replaced at 500.00 and allow her to replace the rest as she came across the money. however, when my daughter's aunt gets out of jail i'm not sure what her funds will look like. since she actually paid the 200.00 for the brakes for me, i thought i'd keep that money and instead of paying her back use it towards the van, thus leaving me only 300.00 short of the rest of the money needed to get my van back on the road. not only that, but my insurance premium is due and that's 200.00. so technically if i take 300.00 of money in my very tight budget to fix my car, i can't drive it anyway because it will be 200.00 of the insurance money that i'm using to fix the car, hence i won't have insurance coverage. so right now i'm stuck either way.

and today i got reprimanded for getting my daughter to school an hour late, since i am now depending on my sister to get us there. and quite frankly, she gets us there when she gets us there and not a minute sooner. and today it was an hour later. not acceptable.

so i am feeling the crunch *once again* from every area. i don't know if i want to keep my daughter in this school. it's beautiful and i know they are treating her nicely, but she is not a happy camper. the stress of having my van out of commission due to a car accident that wasn't my own fault actually stressed me out to the point where i got a cold, and that's not good or worth it. we are back to walking and the weather isn't getting any warmer. and all of this after God came through for me and paid my rent and all my bills even though i have 0.00 in income currently. i am not losing faith in God, but i suppose i'm losing faith in this current situation. i definitely see the benefits of the situation--my car could have been towed or damaged WAY worse than it was, i learned my lessons from the situation and the girls' aunt was NOT seriously injured. so i definitely am not complaining that this is SOOOOO bad. it's just that it put a damper in my plans, my mood and my spirit. i'm a bit frazzled out from this and it's happening JUST when things started going good.

which is the very worst part of all.

my locs thus far.

here are my locs thus far. they are about 1.5 years old now, and i dyed them red this summer but it's cooled off to a soft brownish color. my roots are dark brown and because i don't want to dye my hair anymore, i'm letting them just grow out. yes it looks a mess when i don't twist my hair but i try my best to keep it twisted now lol. at least until the dark brown grows out a few more inches!

when i took these pictures i was blow drying my hair and clipping it *as seen in picture two*. now it's starting to become a hassle to twist my hair because it's getting longer and heavier, but i work my way through it faithfully. my hair is finally reaching the nape of my neck and i love it lol, that's my proof that it's actually growing and not just sitting there doing nothing. :p

on the left side of the last picture that whitish ball in my hair is actually a sterling toe ring that i twisted into my hair. one of the reasons i don't want to color my hair again is because of the discoloration that happens to the jewelry in my hair. my dogwood flower is stained a dark gray color and it hasn't turned back to silver yet :(

i almost can pull my hair into a ponytail at the nape of my neck! hopefully by the time hubby comes home they'll be at least another 4-5 inches long. wishful thinking i know but anything is possible!

clothes, clothes, clothes.

as winter is rolling in, i've decided to stock up as much as possible on good clothing for my family. now usually, because i live in the middle of the New York metropolis area, this is extremely easy. but because of lack of funds and the fact that i do not like TOO much of anything in my house *including clothing*, this is proving to be a bit of a challenge this year.

so far i've racked up on 20.00 worth of nice jeans and pants for the oldest daughter, who out of everyone, needed clothing the most. i don't have any shirts for her as of yet because it's hard to find clothes for a 10 year old who is taller than i am without them being too *grown*. i am still working on her items, but i'm pretty sure she's going to have a ton of long sleeved simple shirts from old navy and plenty of sweaters.

i also was able to get off freecycle a bag of miscellaneous clothes for myself, which came in handy because i needed a pick me up and a splash of something new in my life. it's mainly shirts and some good sweats for this winter. i am sure i'll use them all because i can tell already that it is going to be COLD this winter. my kittens and cats are growing fur around them like a lion's mane, and my mom's dogs have BUSHELS of fur this year it seems. the weather is very funky already and some nights i've woken up to turn up the heat because i was shivering. so best to prepare now.

i was concerned about the baby's clothing because while she has lots of it, i'm always worried about how much clothing she has. lol. i guess it's a mama syndrome...i'm always worried about the smallest being warmest. so i am on the lookout for some good winter clothing for her...freecycle is always a blessing in regards to baby clothing as it seems bags are given away every week these days.

the middle baby is probably the best prepared clothing wise. today i was able to pick her up a cute little knitted sweater for 3.00--a gift from my mom. i also picked up a cutsie little blue cable knit old navy sweater for the smallest baby from the thrift store today for 3.00, so those will get them through the coldest of days.

for some odd reason i am just determined to get plenty of warm clothing this year. i have to snuff out gloves and scarves and hats--you can NEVER have enough of those with a household full of growing and rowdy children. they always seem to lose one of these or one of those going to and from school. last year i had over 8 sets of gloves and hats and scarves, this year i scraped together some mismatched pieces for the coldest of weather thus far because there were 10o excuses per minute why no on one had matching sets... *sigh*

ah well, kids! whachagonnado?

for myself this winter i am a scarf hoarder the way some women are shoe hoarders--so imagine my arsenal of scarves! i LOVE it because scarves are easy and cheap to come across--i usually pay 99 cents each for them from the thrift stores i frequent, and people are always dropping scarves in the streets or giving them to me out of the desire not to be bothered with them anymore *insert devilish laugh here* so i always wind up with at least 5 new scarves every winter, usually more. :P i've always been of the belief that a pretty scarf is almost as nice and effective as nice shoes. this is why in the summer i keep my locs wrapped in scarves and in the winter i keep them around my neck! you can never have too many scarves.

well, i have to go home and sort through this bag of clothing i just got today, and hopefully everything will fit the oldest girl properly. pray for her *and me* that they do!

of things related and unrelated - 10/20/09

i realized today that the couple across the street from my mom is one of my idol marriage couples. they have been together well over 30 years, they have one son who speaks 4 languages, and they truly love each other. i am sure they have problems because my mom and i witnessed one such time, but they worked through it wonderfully and looking at them today you'd have to wonder if they have any problems at all! she is a secretary i believe (or she may not work anymore) and he is actually my mechanic. they live a simple but really close knit and content life, the kind of life i am building with my own husband and children. they truly look good together and i was surprised to learn that both of them were nearing 50. mainly because she looks to be in her mid 30's and he looks about 40 at the MOST, and that's pushing it. geesh, i wonder why i never noticed how much i respected and admired them before?

i brought home two new foster kittens! welcome to juicy and pippin! they are each about 5 weeks old, juicy is solid black and very playful while pippin is a brown tabby with a fat lions face and a laziness to him that's adorable.

i need to get back to cutting coupons asap, especially since work has dwindled down to nothing and my last bit of unemployment bennies were used two weeks ago.

i have been trying to quell a growing migraine for the past two days, but it's increasing in intensity. today was a stressful day of waiting around and that just aggravated the condition. i am going to take some advil tonight and really hope that i can get a hold of it.

i am totally in love with ricola's lemon herb and original herbal cough drops. wow. i ate almost an entire package yesterday and fell asleep flat on my back. i am sure the herbal mixes had something to do with it, because i slept like a brick.

flea season is still outrageous, despite the sudden drop in temperatures. usually 30 and under degrees keeps them under control, but lately big ole bugged out looking fleas have been popping up here and there on the cats.

mosquitoes are still buzzing in my mom's backyard too at the rate of 1 million per square inch. what's up with that?

i have finally given in and decided to find a school for the baby to attend. however i haven't found one i liked yet so for now, my baby is still at home.

i am getting the baby itches. yesterday i went to kmart and accidentally happened upon the baby aisle and my eyes got wide and misty. awww.

not. i am NOT ready for another child....yet.

freecycle is going great. i just picked up 3 bags of clothes that were unneeded any longer and most are in great condition for my nephew and myself. i wasn't able to get the kids anything they could really use out of the bags. maybe next time!

i have been considering trying my hand at guppy breeding again. i did it briefly during the summer with poor results, but i am positive that's because the stock i started with wasn't quality grade. i got them from a pet shop and while they were pretty, they had some visible flaws and i am sure they weren't as strong as breeder couples should be.

i want to get whitney houston's newest cd and all of mary j. blige's cd's. i have been after them for quite some time now.

i am preparing for a breakthrough. i can feel it. i have no other choice but to go UP from here. my situation right now is very difficult financially and i am going against my human nature to worry. it's not so easy, but i keep telling myself what the Bible says. and it's working. i am feeling up and down, but more up than down.

i never realized how old the old school cartoons (scooby doo, tom and jerry, bugs bunny, etc.) looked until today while watching some oldies with the girls.

what am i going to feed my family for dinner? i can't wait until hubs is home to cook for us!!!

finding my divine purpose.

i had a conversation with hubby last night in which i asked him to pray for me to find my divine purpose on this earth. lately i have been hearing the word preached and taught and spoken about on this subject. and for about a year now, i have been asking God to reveal to me what my divine purpose is--what is it that He wishes me to do to advance His Kingdom.

while i believe i am there, i am now feeling pretty stumped about how to go about it. i know that it is in the realm of women, health, self-improvement...that area...but i am not sure exactly what it is i should be doing, it doesn't seem to be gelling together.

or maybe it is and i'm blind to it? i've started my own business, and it's on spiritual hold, and i believe it's a part of my divine gift...and i am starting a women's group as well. it all feels so right but it looks so wrong.

so i asked my hubby to please pray for me, that i hear His voice concerning this matter and that i make no mistake about it.

it seems that it's so easy for some people to find their purpose and they just "do" it. in the Bible there are the stories of Tabitha and Rahab, and Ruth and Hannah and all of the other women who just seemed to "do it". i know it wasn't that easy for them, but it just seems that way. i don't want to compare or complain so i won't...

for now, i said maybe i could gift away my great abigail sea salt sachets to those who could really use a break. i have enough for about 10 bags or so, they don't have to be fancied up, but just bagged in a brown paper bag and handed out to those who need them *and who doesn't?! lol*. they are the perfect end to a crazy day, and i love the way they smell. by far they are my favorite sachets and i love Abigail's story *which can be found in 1 Samuel 25*.

maybe this isn't the right approach, but i feel like i'm not giving enough, my divine purpose is being sorted out, and it's making me crazy! i never thought i'd say that, "i feel like i'm not giving enough", but most certainly, it is how i feel. :(

maybe i'll feel better about this once my volunteer opportunity starts up, which should be within the next 2 weeks or so.

i hope i get my purpose down pat soon. *sigh*