Monday, January 19, 2009

a rough day today.

last night after i climbed into the bed, i felt a slight pain in my left shoulder. i shrugged it off to an upset stomach and probably some air that moved to my arm from my digestive tract (however that happens).

this morning i woke up in a sour mood, with my heart fluttering. i had that anxious-y high blood pressure-ish feeling too. i ate a turkey sandwich and had some orange juice. i was still hungry so i had a waffle and two slices of bacon and more juice. i looked at the picture of barack and michelle obama on the new issue of ebony and i wanted to cry. i don't know if it's because they looked happy, or if it's because my period is due, or what...but i flipped the magazine around so the back cover faced up instead of the front. the noise the girls were making and the look of the house made me upset. last night the house was in the same condition and it looked fine. today it looks like a wreck, even though it's still in the same condition it was last night. so that upset me. i made the girls clean their horrid room and the kitchen, and then i came upstairs to window shop for myself since i decided i would splurge just a little this income tax return.

i don't know why, but the window shopping (for everything from shoes to intimate apparel) just turned my whole mood sour. i was looking through things and i became so indecisive, and then i was trying to measure parts of my body for some stuff i wanted to order offline, and nothing made sense in the way of measurements or sizes. two sites were saying that i would need a 5x in some items. uhm hello, i wear a size 16, not a 22. why would i need a 5x? even when i went to fredericks it said i would wear a bigger bra size than i know i wear for them, because i just brought two bras from them not in that size and they fit perfectly (i had the lady in the store measure me and she got it right on the money). so me not being able to measure myself properly, pick out things i liked, and afford everything i liked made my shopping experience bad. i got really flustered and upset over nothing. then my hubby called, and right in the middle of the conversation i burst out crying. he called me up in a joking mood, and i just didn't want to joke. he didn't say anything bad in the way of jokes, but for some odd reason i just got so SO sad when he called me.

i told him that i'm having a hard time keeping my breathing even. i feel like i'm having an anxiety attack. my attitude sucks today and i am trying to keep the girls downstairs while i'm up because i don't want to get on their cases about little things and upset them. everytime the baby cries it stresses me. she's been crying all day off and on.

i knew last night when i fell asleep that today wasn't going to be the best of days. but i didn't know why.

today i feel bad for feeling bad because yesterday in church i had such a good time, and then i spent the day with my family and we watched president obama's concert. today is vacation for the girls, it will be a short week this week. so why am i just so generally unhappy?

hubby said maybe it's my hormones acting up again. i said maybe, because i could tell this morning something wasn't right when i woke up. but i couldn't pin point it so i just ignored it. it was more emotional than physical, but my heartbeat wasn't helping any. even now it's sort of racing along, and when i rest i can hear it pounding in my ears.

now i'm going to go lay down and just try to relax. i cried some so i feel better, but i still want to take a tylenol for my head and just relax a bit. i turned up the heat to knock off the chill in the air and the girls are watching tv.

hopefully the day will get better.

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